Wednesday, March 01, 2006

so, i'm not okay. i am indeed in a 3-week long vacation. with no pay, no nothing. all that i'm supposed to get--sl conversions, the appraisal--nada. they're on hold. i am still unable to sleep at night and my dad keeps yelling at me. good for nthing daw ako. asteeeeg. i haven't had a good night's sleep in two weeks. my cousin said i should see a shrink. which would cost me 3k an hour. hey diazepam is cheaper, and i can get dormicum for free. haha, i just don't want to be too dependent on those pretty blue pills. i try hard to sleep, though, but instead i end up watching dvds all night. just last night, i saw episodes of 'lost'. in one sitting. god. it's tough.

i'm wearing contact lenses now and i can tie my hair in pigtails na. yup, i look like a girl!

i'm very much confused. i still don't knw what to do. at this age, i'm still clueless. i just thought everything would be okay, but as it turned out, i'm still quite miserable and penniless at that. now what?

i'm getting a laptop. looks like i have to sacrifice something and stay on being employed. well. crazy people don't know they're crazy; they think they're getting sane, right?

i can't do this anymore. i mean, live like this. 30 months, that's all i'm giving myself.

i can't wake up early to go see my students. i can't think of what they're supposed to do and i can't bear watching them anymore. i can't stand being around the children anymore.

probaby, this is one major burn out. it's the thing that you experience after painting for weeks without stopping, after crying endless for days, when you're in a frustrating relationship where all you do is fight, when you get old. this is the feeling that starts as a hole in your chest and everything else begins to cave in but you're just one solid chunk but it's painful enough that you actually think you are bits and pieces of one fucking human being with nothing to look forward to, having nothing to live for.

fuck the management that has it too easy and fuck the really good agents who are actually the reason why expectations are continuously beng raised. fuck the chicken that came out alive from the leyte landside. fuck the bad writers of the antipolo post. fuck those people who insist that i talk with a filipino accent because the children can't understand. fuck them for teaching these children who'll grow up and turn into fucking losers. fuck the shrinks that charge too much, from profiting from the insanity of the weak ones.

fuck the coffeeshops that lure those of the white collars to spend too much on coffee. and fuck those of the blue collars who were born dumb but are actually smart enough to get things done and have time to drink their lungs dry with bad gin. fuck the people who complicate life. fuck the economy, it will never turn out for the better. fuck the marines. fuck me for getting tattoes. fuck my neighbrs.

fuck my hang ups.

i am one angry person today. i am so pissed.

4 comments:

smooth said...

you need to get laid. ooops. sorry, i meant me :)

im thinkin youre right about that burn out thing. i went through the same exact thing, one year after being on grave yard.

abba said...

ahahhaaha! alex you are so mean! ayoko nga eh kasi conservative ako. nah, i just need to do the things i love. tapos yun na yun.

smooth said...

conservative? tsk. sayang :)

abba said...

nyer! e tara na nga ahehehe!