Tuesday, April 25, 2006

it's too hot to be depressed.

i shouldn't watch too many movies. i have this tendency to relate myself with the characters. and i have this tendency to create a box around me. i reflect on them too much. and sometimes, i go live in a make-beleive world. i sometimes think i do have psychosis. i guess some people are born like this. some people are born sad. must be lacking a chemical in my brain. or i overexcrete something.

it's not funny. i don't have the slightest idea why i get depressed easily. it's not too bad, yet, i mean, i don't go bursting into tears every second yet. maybe it comes with age,too. but then i have a lot of friends who keep telling me to snap out of it. i try hard, but the feeling keeps coming back. it's disgusting.

i have this perfect idea of the world and if it doesn't happen, this will forever haunt me.

maybe if i could start rewriting my destiny, i will find redemption. but i am too preoccuppied with my imaginary fears and i am despairing too many. maybe it's the weather. maybe it's not.

i am so afraid of uncertainty. no, not uncertainty...i have everything planned and i am sure things will happen. maybe i am afraid of myself and my incapabilities. maybe i am afraid of losing. wilting. drying up with nothing.

maybe i have locked myself up. i wonder why i enjoy locking myself up in the studio with the lights off, doing nothing, talking to no one. i wonder what it means to be totally happy. i wonder why things don't go my way. even with the effort i exert, it never becomes complete.

i wish it would rain.

2 comments:

thinking out loud said...

next time hindi na kita papahiramin ng sad movies. pahiramin na lang kita ng friends :)

abba said...

eh ang pinapanood ko nga 'my name is kim sam soon'! hehe