I feel like a high school kid obsessing over an actor. Can’t get enough of him. Yeah short skinny guy, pasty skin. Just my type. So I swoon over his movies and pictures and I start to memorize lines and play scenes in my mind. and I think this is where it starts.
Starting to write my own fiction again. Moving back to my world of make believe, where I am the star. Honestly, it’s like being sucked into the dark side - into a warm black hole where I am most at home. And then I begin to let go of the things that are real, slowly it fades in from black to smoky to fake.
And the smoke from the cigarette I light starts to blur my vision again, this time, I know, I’m too old for this. But it gives me comfort when I start to think that this can’t hurt me and I cannot hurt anybody. My world is huge, my power, absolute. In this world now, I do not need to make alterations or versions of me. I am just the center of everything and I am goddess. I am perfect and I always smell good. I am happy here.
All the smiles I give are true and warm, inviting and desirable. I am wanted. Needed. In my darkness I thrive and I am on the top of my cold cold warm place.
All the shakiness and uncertainties in me disappear and I am confident and sweet. My life is peaceful, my thoughts organized. My voice smooth and my words accurate. In my world I can say what I want and say what I mean.
I write stories where I am cozy in a huge coat with a colorful sweater wrapped around my neck; my breath comes out in white puffy clouds. And I cross the streets with amazingly comfortable shoes. I drink rum and soda in a pub. And I get drunk gracefully.
But I know when I am just dreaming because the awful reality claws me back from behind and make me cry and shiver as if I’m hanging by my skin. Snagging me from my smoky black cold cold warm world, I open my eyes and I am back to the noise and uncomfortable weather of the real world. So I close my eyes again and try to go back to my fiction, but I am already too much distracted. So I keep my eyes shut and hope that someday, when I find that place again, there won’t be any turning back anymore.