too late

it's coming to an end. the year, that is. i have a lot to think of but i guess it's too late to make decisions now.

so my bestfriend just came back from the US and she's been trying to convince me to go to LA. if it were that eaasy, why not? i want to go to alaska first, though, to brave the rough weather and terrain and mope while i gut the poor little huge fishies. and hopefully save up for my sister's tuition. i can imagine myself doing that kind of job, no sweat. it'll be too cold anyway so i probably won't for real.

well, right now, i am just one huge bundle of mess. i mean, with the decision tyrone and i finally came up with what to do with the cafe, plus work, plus teaching. well, what will happen from between today to december, i have no idea. so everything is stable yet tentative. ironic, no?

the only positive thing about it, there is no actual human being who can have a life-changing effect on me so therefore, steady lang. i don't think things really fall into place for everyone. as much as i want someone to critically affect me, well, shit. what's a girl to do? the people you actually hold on to for that, well, they don't really exist. well, not for me, at least.

so, right now, i just hope that i can go to alaska and actually be alone and unattached. if people tend to hurt me, then why would i want to be connected to anyone, right? but of course, there are people so fluffy and mushy, they can't hurt a fly. but they'll all end up getting married or something like that. and that makes me alone and lonely.

but then i do not have the guarantee that i can just actually fly off into the embraces of a gigantic salmon and the soothing sounds of a conveyor belt. so much for blogging about it. i just want to actually be able to help out you know. even if it's like only once before i finally disintegrate into nothingness.

i wish life was quieter. well, i almost had what i wanted, but now it's gone and it will take hard work to go back.

if someone would just stop me. but i'm so out of someones right now.