so tired

i really want to go to sleep. i don't feel better. actually, after the antibiotics, i now feel worse. my lumps feel bigger, my throat hurts, i think i have a cold again, and i still can't sleep. if this goes on for one more week, i'm gonna start having hallucinations. then i'm gonna start wishing that i'll just die. claire gave me a prescription for vit c that goes in intravenously. to fight what kind of infection, i don't know. i have another doctor's appointment on wednesday. i know i'll be asked to have a work-up: CT scans, ultrasounds, endoscopy, etc. then a needle biopsy, which is no way i am getting.

gah, i'm at the edge already. i'm sleepless, therefore, uncreative. and that scares me. it's 8AM. i haven't slept yet. when is breakfast? really?

almost 10AM. i feel so tired. my brain is still working. finished working on the files i need to send. i wonder when this will actually stop. i tried to sleep earlier, seriously. i failed, just because i again ended up thinking about the pajama man. and instead of crying and whining, i decided to get up.

hmmm, you should check out postsecret this week. found 2 secrets that hit me right square in the face. so tired.

it's a purse!

carlo: hey, what's that, exchange gift?

me: no, i bought it myself.

(tel walks in)

tel: who gave you that?

me: i bought it!

tel: i can't imagine you buying that

tyrone: and i can't imagine anyone buying her that





it's a purse! don't be deceived, it's not a lunch box. teehee! oh, i forgot, there are 3 carrots inside it now. wait...

batgirl

according to tyrone, the proper term is "batman" -- batang manyak.

duh. my brain is totally fried like i need to get some serious reformatting or whatever.

why can't i just do my job and let me love you?---line from this message someone sent someone to win her over(and yeah, he got her, but she's a witch). i wanna use it, too. can you just stop with the drama and let me do my job and let me love you? haha! if you don't love me back in 2 days, i'm gonna shave off all my hair. moron! haha...i have a bad feeling that i'm gonna ba bald by monday. tsk tsk, now that i have this thing for silly headbands ( got me 3 with feathers today)...

how about, if you don't love me back in 2 days, i'm gonna disappear. haha...i'll do that by plastic surgery. gonna make me look like olivia wilde. then maybe he'll love me back? ahahah! emo...pathetic, abba, really pathetic.


ahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahaha!

no,i don't look like that

the last time i was at dong guan, i took a pic of me wearing this cap i got from the market:



and this one:

posted it as my display image in my ym. marco said i look like a geoduck. this is how a geoduck looks:

The geoduck (pronounced /ˈɡuː.iːdʌk/ "gooey duck"^[1]), Panopea abrupta, is a species of very large saltwater clam, a marine bivalve mollusk in the family Hiatellidae.

The shell of this clam is large, about 15 centimetres (5.9 in) to over 20 centimetres (7.9 in) in length, but the extremely long siphons make the clam itself very much longer than this: the "neck" or siphons alone can be 1 metre (3.3 ft) in length.

actually, what marco was trying to tell me, was that i look like this:

see how nicely trained the woman is holding the clam? hehe

meaning, i look like a dick. nice one marco.

my fave pic so far:

ok, so the world is a funny place. would you like some mussels to go with your geoduck? haha

dreaming with eyes wide open

i wanna get on a plane and fly down south, crawl in your bed, and sleep beside you. maybe i'll be able to fall asleep then. maybe it will be peaceful. maybe everything will be quiet in my head. maybe.

lazy ass

me: do you know totoy bato?
kat: you mean crushable hot totoy bato?
me: yeah, i crush him. he texted me.
kat: really??? what did he say?

me: he asked me if i'll be free sometime this month to meet in makati.
kat: go, girl!
me:haller! we're both from antipolo, i hate going to makati! tanga sya! hindi ko na sya crush!

ah. me and my lazy ass. there are things more important to me than meeting people ( kahit friends ko) at makati. like staying home and staring at my laptop. to go to makati, one must a) from 6am to 4 pm, get a tricycle to get to the town. get on a shuttle and pay P45. get off at ayala ave, cross the street using the underpass to get to glorietta,greenbelt,etc. ,or b) from 4pm to 7pm, get a tricycle to go to town. get on a rouge shuttle and pay P15. get off at valley golf and pray that there will be other shuttles going to makati. pay P35 and get off at ayala ave, cross the street using the underpass to get to glorietta,greenbelt,etc., or c) from 5am to 9pm, get a tricycle to town. get on a shuttle, pay P40 and get off at the santolan station. get the train to gateway. walk to the mrt station and get off at the ayala station. walk towards SM to get to glorietta,greenbelt,etc. di ba ang complicated??? no way am i going to makati without the proper motivation.

phone call from claire. how'd she know that i'm still up? haha!

i decided that i won't join the exhibit this march. i don't want to rush paintings; i don't want them raw because it makes me feel really bad if they turn out that way. plus, it's gonna be far away from me. haha. and yeah hell am not gonna commute huge ass canvasses to manila. haha. seriously, i have so many things to do already and i'm scared i won't be happy with my works.

i still have to finish the images for cimc and i need to do the mural for the ptv office. good thing, samio agreed to do the mural with me.

hmm,after months of being told what to do, i think i am now uncreative. i need to catch up. i hate being lost during conversations.

i need to sleep. i want to sleep. no matter how lazy i am, i don't end up sleeping soundly when i should. dang. i need help.

sleepless

despite the meds i'm taking for my colds and cabooches the lumpy, i am still not high enough to just fall asleep as easy as that. it only frustrates me when i lie in bed and my mind keeps on working. how can i keep my mind blank? like totally block out everything. is there a secret? i envy those people who can fall asleep fast. i even got me sleepytime tea. but it didn't work. it worked for my cousin though. why can't i just sleep????

last night i remember thinking about the following:

bacon for the chicken
soy sauce for the chicken
when to get bacon and soy sauce for the chicken
what to do with the car
drinking wine while under medication
the pajama man
that i don't have enough buko juice
how to make carrot juice
disposing the huge stack of ropes at the back
when can i go to the bank
what did i do with my money
what to do with my money
etc
etc
etc...

and it happens everynight. i just want to stop thinking and go to sleep

vacation mode pa din

went out to get a facial ( after 100 years). i really hate that i am breaking out like a teenager. sucks. but tyrone was nice enough to let me use(again) his prepaid facial coupon. so he bought me a facial, and i bought him takuyaki balls na hindi nya nahanap ang sarap. fair enough. haha. walked around and got me a tin batgirl lunchbox. kinda queer but i like. had dinner and walked around a bit. stopped to get churros. now am home. should've bought the cream puff, too. tsk. i'm craving for something sweet. and instead of working, i'm blogging. ha!

just got an email from dubai. the 500RMB the boss gave me in china won't be adjusted from my salary. that was my christmas bonus. haha! $70 isn't at all bad. seriously,both my bosses have been really nice to me. i'm lucky. i missed and postponed a lot of things last month (the walls of hope project, a couple of parties, and the ptv mural thing,etc.), but i don't feel bad at all. i'm thankful for this. i think i can start my year right. and even if my salary's delayed (again!), i'm not gonna panic. haha!

i was hoping that the binging would stop this week. i am really excited to detox. but we scheduled dinner on friday night at raena and pow's new place in marikina. so ok, i'll start detox on the 11th and do it for 18 days. wish me luck.

but of course, i want to be in control. and i can do it.

tyrone and i were talking about resolutions. he said, he's not gonna be mean anymore, he'll just be a liar instead. hahah! ako, i told him, i am going to be in control. shempre, except sa health and love because you cannot control that. and he added, the stupidity ng people around you. told him, i'll be manipulative then. haha.

so after doing the detox, it's gonna be raw fooding for me. and yeah, am gonna give up everything cold turkey.

finally, i went over all the invitations and friend requests and photos in facebook. clicked on ignore and untag a gazillion times. haha! in reality, i don't want facebook. ketchup ketchup lang naman ang purpose ko. if i delete my facebook and my friendster, will i still exist? haha.

-----------------------

daldal.

i was thinking of the familiar cases of old old ladies who never got married. they usually would have the same story. waited for someone who never came back. i think it's tragically romantic. still, romantic.

ikaw pa rin

i don't really listen to pop music or opm for that matter. the only songs i would hear would be those playing in public transpo. i don't really know where i heard this song from, but i like aicelle santos' voice. her voice gives me the goose bumps. and this song keeps playing over and over in my mind. it feels sad.

the season to be

woke up with a heavy head. have no idea if i made the mojitos too strong or because i have a really nasty cold. so i stayed in bed and went in and out of sleep until i couldn't anymore. stared at the ceiling for a long time. it's really actually weird when you have to remind yourself everyday to stop hoping. it's a brand new year and it's time to move on. i took a deep breath and got my ass off the bed.

january one. in a few hours, another party was coming up and i had to get myself ready. not to "party" but to help in the kitchen. heated water for a bath and opened emails. got to get working again soon or else i'll be swamped. thought of what to spend money on, but wasn't at all interested in spending money...so mature. ha!

i do feel older everyday.

helped prepare and serve food at my aunt and uncle's anniversary party. 33 years. that's a long time. sweet.

i wish the eating and drinking would stop so i can detox again. i don't feel right anymore. maybe it's all in the mind. maybe it's because of my colds. or maybe it's because i can't get this stupid thing out of my mind...

new year's resolution: to take control of the things i can.

christmas na christmas...

nothing really negative about yesterday and today. except for the fact that i slept at 7AM and my laundrywoman knocked(loudly) on my door at 10.i was planning to sleep through the hottest part of the day, at least i won't be conscious of my sweat, and won't complain as much as i did last night. everyone last night was wearing jackets or something like that, but me, i was sweating like a piggy. however, of course, a fan trained directly at me isn't such a horrible thing, either.

i got up around 2PM yesterday. whatever happened between 3PM and 5PM was kinda, hmmm, unusual. mental note: thrill is fleeting, disappointments are disappointing. haha. so much for moving on. well, you can't say i never tried. i'm still in the same place where i started. it doesn't really matter, though. i'm tough as nails. ha!

christmas dinner at 7 stretched to noche buena. had a lotta kinda meat.haha: fall-off-the-bone ribs, chickenjoy(whee!),ham,ate anne's fried chicken(burnt outside, bloody inside hehe) and shrimp with coconut milk and pineapples.carbo overload ng mashed potatoes with gravy, lasagna, and 2 kinds of cake. nagtambling nga ako after everything. ang taas ng sugar ko. haha, that was definitely the prize after being stuck in china for 10 days.

had red wine and bacardi for our annual thing, and it was quite alright. i swear, i did drink a lot, but was still ok walking in a straight line at 6AM. ahhh, ang bahay alak ko, malapit ka nang matuyot. haha. of course i say that every year, like how i'm gonna quit everything when the new year comes. i really am gonna do it this time, just until i'm sure na cabooches the lumpy isn't cancer. anyway, it did feel like christmas.

finally.

back home. had a nice time in china, surprisingly. aside from the cold cold weather, overall it was actually enjoyable. had a lot of tsingtao and was treated to a foot massage and laughed my heart out watching the people dance na wala sa tono. shopping was amazing now that i can make tawad na but still got an expensive dress for myself, kasi it fits. haha. loved the street food even though it made my jackets smell like siomai. met pinoys. and the cake at o'mc carr is just delightful. and i got six of them to share with the people here.

the factory's 3rd floor caught fire sunday night. the offices weren't affected, but i'm still wondering what happened to the tibetan mastiffs at the rooftop. kawawa naman. so wala kaming pasok ng saturday till today. so i had a lot of time to make lamyerda sa changping town.

and now, i'm back. grabe, i missed cyrus so much. he looked happy din naman to see me kanina when i hugged him. and yeah, i melted sa airport pa lang. good thing antipolo's got a nice climate.

hmm...i got a message from totoy bato's partner sa business. he' s looking for me daw and needs something. he's asked for my number na naman, haller, tanga ba sya, we just spoke a few weeks ago. bobo ba sya? ayoko ng bobo. haha. hindi kasi ako nagroaming. oh well. we'll see, take a number, totoy bato, i'm too busy.

and now i realized that the deadliest combo is being hopeless but not desparate. no need to exhert any effort. lol. not praying for it anymore, but not asking for replacements either. steady lang.

want to shave my head, but the shape's not perfect. antok na ko, sleep na kami ni dalgo. hello, bed!

sa huling pagkakataon

ok.random stuff. just want to take this opportunity to blog kasi i won't have access for 10 effin days. so after writing down the last post, i have decided to stop waiting and wishing and just embrace being alone. the next morning, got a surprise pm from chato, one of the sweetest people i know from innerdance. haven't heard from chato for a long long time. she went to palawan and i didn't even know she was back!

chato: i dreamt about you!
me: really?
weh, can't remember the thing. haha. but she told me this:

i was living in mindoro, and there were a lot of mangyans. i live in a big old house. she saw me there with a hunky island guy. the guy is my boyfriend, and we were so in love. she could feel it. haha. actually, she said the guy is also a good friend of hers. didn't ask if it was just in the dream or in real life. hahaha!

i got her confused kasi i said, island guy, huh? she thought i was into girls. wahaha! darn pretty straight. so told her about the guy i'm in love with and how the night before i gave up on waiting. she told me that maybe it is the universe's way of telling me not to. sabi nya, hold the fort. damn, i'm really patient but if ayaw sa akin, may magagawa ba ko? hehe. sabi ko, sana she saw the future in her dream. if she did daw, then i owe her one. blame the universe. haha!

so i finished packing already. all i need to put pa in the bag are the stuff my pinay friend in china asked me to get. after zipping the bag, i started clearing some stuff off the work table. i should clear that up really so i can actually use it instead of the dining table. i also stuffed a cushion, and now i have a cow print pillow on my extra chair. watched anime. tapos i got paintings off the wall and hung the paintings from the storage. dalgo and iago are now on the wall.

i need a shelf, seriously. i wonder how much totoy bato would charge for one. ah, ayoko na din pala sya kausapin. i don't think it's even worth the effort. i'll get one at the thrift shop near here. hmm, but i want something that 's really low so i can sit on it. i need a carpenter. i need to make up my mind. lol. i wonder if dad would hate me if i throw away the couch. and the dining table. ah the dining table is a magic table. it would normally fit 6 people, but i've seen 10 eat here together.

may wishlist na ulit ako na pwede magkatotoo:
1. a wall clock
2. new big ass pillows
3. new mattresses, one queen sized, 2 double
4.a new ceiling
5.walking shoes
6.derek ramsay

i think dada can buy me the first 5. magkano kaya si derek ramsay. teka, magcoconsult ako sa magic date ball. magiging kami kaya ni derek ramsay? sagot: you can count on it! sabi ko na nga ba, island guy daw eh!!

whatever. so goodbye for now. will be back christmas.lungkot!

i give up. para akong decepticon, gusto ko na magretreat. ewan ko ba naman, pero bakit ba ang lakas ng fighting spirit ko. sana may malaking shell na lang ako sa likod ko para pwede ako maging hermit crab, dun na lang ako sa loob, di na ko lalabas.

ok, so i've made up my mind to become a tramp again. that means, i'm not going out tomorrow night, on wednesday night, and on thursday night, too. but i want to watch the 3D christmas carol movie on friday night after i get my visa so, i'll be on vacation from being a tramp.

when i grow up i want to take residence in a mountain in tibet, be pals with the dalai llama, and sometimes would want to shave off his fur to make jackets. dang, i don't want to do this anymore.

note to self: make carrot and pineapple juice already, stupid. you're gonna be growing another head if you don't solve this now.

---made carrot pineapple juice. damn. i don't want to be a rabbit in my next lifetime.

when i prayed for my life-changing thing, i was given a great job. not really what i want, but it so works for me. *secretly praying to be sent to the scotland office or in germany* i'm actually starting to be comfy.


although i was actually hoping for a totally different thing, i'm feeling that totally different thing is not coming. i don't mean in the near future, i mean, not at all. what to do, what to do? go on hunger strike until i save enough on food that i can actually buy what i want. ha! crazy f*ck.

i think the last days of this year will be gone really fast. i don't think i will even feel the holidays. i'm leaving on monday and will come back on the 23rd. no facebook again for 10 days! sabagay, masaya lang naman ang holidays if masaya kang tao. pero kung tramp ka, mag isa ka mag spend ng christmas. ay! jeje and lek will be here pala. kaming tatlo na lang daw ang mag noche buena.

i want chicken and mango sandwiches, mushroom soup, salad, brie, and red wine.

this is my fourth attempt to write a new entry. i have nothing much to say siguro. i absorbed a lot of negative energy since tuesday and am still trying to flush it out of my system. it's funny how people come to me talaga bearing stories of love, pain, anger, etc.

then someone asked me, what will you choose, maging masaya or maging tama? and of course, i answered with, ang maging tama.

mas maraming tao pa rin ang pipili ng, ang maging masaya. pero hindi ba, sa pagpili ng tama, ang pag iwan ng kasiyahan mo sa oras na ito, hindi nangangahulugan na mawawalan ka na din ng pag-asa? ang pag-asa na maging masaya at maging tama. sabay ha. at sa pagpili nga ng tama, mas binibigyan mo ang sarili mo ng mas marami pang pagkakataon na maging masaya.

pero baka naman isang airhead lang ako. baka hobby ko lang na patuloy na i-convince ang sarili ko na ganun mag work ang mundo.

sa mga taong pinanganak na may kataling kamalasan, siguro, hindi posible ang ganun.

pero sa huli, mas pipiliin ko ang maging tama pa rin. kung yun ang ikakasaya ng karamihan, kahit hindi na ng sa akin, yun pa rin ang pipiliin ko.

twilight chapter 2 (bella gets her period)

due to insistent public demand,eto na. (sa facebook, hindi dito, gusto ko lang post)

chapter 2

once upon a time, bella is a girl. girls get their monthly periods. ergo, bella gets monthly periods. bella got hers for the month. bella goes out to buy tampons. bella buys tampons with cardboard applicators. you can buy these also in rustan's supermarkets. anyway, bella is excited. it is edward's birthday. edward is a vampire. he is a vegetarian vampire.

bella giftwraps her used tampons. she will give them to edward. she says to herself, "edward will be happy. edward is a vampire. he likes blood. i will give him blood. he will like it. he will laugh, ' ha ha ha'."

bella walks over to edward's house. she hands him her gift. edward opens the gift. edward says," i do not like tampons. i do not like stale blood. i like pulsating vegetables like mountain lions and elks."

bella has a pulsating petchay.

the end

christmas wishing

i got an early christmas gift for myself. a purple dell laptop. i named her petunia, it fits, and i am really happy to have her in my life right now. i'd like to thank tyrone for helping me get her, even though i have to pay for her for 12 months. thanks also to leandro for explaining and helping me understand what specs i need even if i keep telling him every night that he's gonna end up with me anyway since i'm the first girl in his life and the first girl he's ever loved, ako din un last. haha. salbahe.

hmmm, i still have a wish list, though. it's not really long but most of the things are still rather impossible. but what the heck, i'll keep wishing.

10. long hair

9. perfect skin

8. free bikram yoga classes and free rides to the studio

7. a juicer

6. a washing machine and dryer

5. a salary increase

4. a new and high-paying job for mum

3. happiness for eten and ali

2. hair for dad

1.

number one is still what i have been secretly wishing for since december 2006. i don't know if i should keep this in my wish list, but i have a lot of patience. i don't even know if it's right to be still wishing for this. but that's what my heart wants.

smsing

so i finally did. if chrisselle didn't raise her arms up and sorta screamed at me to do it already, i wouldn't have done it. but yeah, after a few weeks of hesitating and then a week of not wanting to actually do it anymore, and after the prodding of all the girls and boys around, i did it.

and i got a phone call. we will meet up soon.

cancer and arthritis

i've been promising everyone that i'll go see a doctor since last year. lol. ok, so i've been hearing stories of how a lot of people have been dying of ehmmm lymphoma. tama ba? cancer sa lymph nodes or whatever. f*ck the lumps at the base of my neck just stopped hurting after more than a week. it's like it hurts a lot everytime i get a cold or something. claire, one drunken night, tried to feel my neck if there are other lumps. she found 3 small ones. i don't know if they really exist since she was really wasted that night.

thing is, i just don't wanna spend on doctors and shit. well, i want to go to a naturopathologist instead but i keep on spending my money somewhere else. maybe carrot and pineapple juice will be enough since i'm guessing that will be first if they give me a diet list.

and yeah, i have pain again on my left wrist.

ah, getting old. not a pretty sight.

when i was starting this blog, i said something like this guy can't fall in love with me since i had this feeling that i'll die of cancer at 40. well, everyone will die of cancer eventually. i wonder if i'll reach 40. morbid ba? kaya lang, i don't wanna hit the bucket when i'm already ugly. gusto ko glamorosa, parang artista. ayoko ng cancer, ayoko maging hit and run victim, ayoko masagasaan ng train, at lumipad galing sa roller coaster. gusto ko maganda pa din ako, nasa bed tapos may fur.

hay nako, ok ok i'll go see a doctor. dang, i hate needles.

galing sa facebook ko: why i love the book "twilight"

i apologize for dissing people who love the twilight series of books. i was actually surprised when i chanced upon a copy of the first book. stephenie meyer is truly an amazing writer. her writing style reminded me of ernest hemingway. i can totally understand why many people are hooked. the book was written with such passion and is indeed compelling. here are excerpts from the first chapter that truly caught my attention. i hope you enjoy reading.

twilight

chapter one

introduction

once upon a time, bella is a girl. edward is a vampire. edward can smell bella's blood. bella's blood is delicious. edward does not drink human blood. edward is a vegetarian. edward likes the blood of mountain lions and elks. mountain lions and elks are vegetables. they are pulsating vegetables.

edward buys glitter lotion from the body shop. his favorite flavor is vanilla spice. edward is gay. bella is a fag hag. edward wears too much face powder. bella needs to throw up all the time.

vampires do not have blood. they are dead. they cannot have an erection. you cannot rigor mortis down there when you are dead. this story is sick. they are promoting necrophilia.

chapter two

bella gets her period

(coming soon)

ganda di ba. if you want me to post excerpts from chapter two, just message me.

lost it

hmm. i lost it. i was normal na(or so i thought) before i left for china last month. been up, then up again,tapos steady lang, then konting up, tapos down, tapos down pa ulit. lost the excitement for the chance to move on. losing some hope now. and am about to lose my mind na ata.

earlier today, i felt the need to cry. and after crying, i realized that i am so patient after all. yeah, of course, i have my own drama time alone because me being quiet and sad alarms the whole neighborhood. i don't know if i actually feel sad. i'm actually very disappointed. maybe i just keep setting very high expectations. errr, nah, they're not even high.

and of course my brain would always tell me that, there is a reason for whatever's causing my disappointment. and then i suck in all my tears again and try to wait again. ever so patiently.

a good friend once told me to come face to face with my dilemma. she told me that if i don't do it, we'll still be talking about this 10 years from now. but i don't think that will work in this kind of situation i'm in.

ha.

swedish meatball is crashing with me. flew all the way from turkey from his job to be with his girlfriend. ah, no, definitely not me. eeeew. ok, he quit his job to be with this girl he is totally head over heels for and he comes and girly gives him a lotta drama before they actually became a couple. the day after they finally become a real couple, i asked him if he already had plans after they established their relationship status. and he said no, he doesn't have any plans. ( i am secretly wishing he finds his own apartment already. it's not that i wanna throw him out, but he ate all the cereals again.haha)

errr, yeah, so after asking him about plans, i was kinda disturbed about his situation. i mean, i'd never ask a guy to come home to me. when i said i would relocate without any questions, i was thinking more of not wanting the guy to stop his life for me. kasi di ba, lalake ang magdadala ng pamilya kaya dapat maayos lagi ang state nya. or something like that( being stuck in front of the laptop for more than 12 hours a day doesnt help my vocabulary). oh well.

whatever. but i think girly should be the one taking care of him and not his girl friends, no? kawawa naman.

ayan. i feel sick. sucks pa na i can't work ng matino kasi of laptop problems. i just wanna stop thinking about silly things. because these silly things won't let me move on and get on with my life. as if there are so much to look forward to. ehmm...more disappointments?

nah,i'm not depressing. i don't know what i feel. it's like being hungry but not wanting to eat because you don't have any cravings. i wonder how "hollow" can be described.

i'm going back to china next month. yeah, work na lang myself to death. i guess that's all i can do.