of heartbreaks and empty pockets

my bestfriend is now single and available. so now little misses out there, he's out for grabs! my wish for jeje my bestfriend is that he find a nice girl who'd actually marry him.

tsk tsk. and he was about to buy the "ring". sayang.

oh heartbreaks. and attached to it, getting really broke. haha. i remember dating this guy, who i met somewhere in space, who was really galeng in making me kilig.after a few "moments" treated me like a girlfriend. i am really shallow, you know, text me a few times and you got me head over feet. haha. went out for a couple of times, got really close, and viola! he was fired from his job while we were dating.one day sweet talked me into giving him a loaner so he could get some stupid accesory for his ps. we went to greenhills, holding hands and being cuddly, and after i got his toy, dropped me at the office and two days after that, never was heard from again. until one day messaged me about getting jiggy. ewww. buti sana kung ang hot nya eh hindi naman. weh!

i have friends as stupid as me naman so i forgave myself. actually they are 7000 times stupider than me. so vindicated na ko. funny di ba, mga stupid stories i get to hear about love and stuff and mga stories told habang umiiyak yung storyteller. got me loads of that. but what the heck. funny, may forwarded message galing sa friend ko saying that a woman needs only one man, the man who can prove to her that not all men are the same. actually, not all men are the same talaga, thay vary from bull to bull. haha. but nevertheless, kahit ideny nyo pa girls, we can't live without then and the bull that comes with them. hehe. sarap kasi maasar.

but i'd rather be brokenhearted sa love love na yan. kesa naman kanina. i was trying to get a slot for the art fair on november and had inquired pa ng august. tapos kanina sabi ba naman sa kin, priority daw yung mga more organized groups and galleries. kainis!nakakapikon talaga. kanina nagmumukmok na naman ako, sabi ni mikkey isang art fair lang daw yan. eh. at maraming galleries worldwide. hala. punta ko zimbabwe. or sa qatar. bakit organized naman daw kami sabi ni sam eh. che.

what can i say, maybe i am just not good enough. ok lang meron naman akong super power.

rewind:

papang passed away around 5 am of sept. 22, 2007. i got the text message from my tita asking me to come to their place. i got there and saw papang lying lifeless on his new bed. he was still warm. he died in his sleep. he looked really peaceful. days before that, he had trouble breathing and was in pain because of his bed sores, but he never complained. tita said he would only cry whenever she had to clean his wounds. but the night before he died, his breathing relaxed and he seemed not to struggle anymore.

i think dying isn't bad as it seems. when you die, it ends pain and misery, the body rests, the spirit lives on. i think death affects the living more. when death comes, the people around become overwhelmed. because death brings change. and change becomes scary when you are not prepared for it. routines change, spaces are created. absence brings emptiness and emptiness brings sadness. and the dead won't feel any of it. but the living will.

being prepared for death means you have to accept it. either ends, you should be ready.

papang passed away september 22, 2007.

bad bad nights

been getting worse. gotta sleep. would usually end up watching movies but i keep choosing the wrong ones, kasi i get excited pa. been singing "return to pooh corner" every night, too. haha! ohhh...i need medical help ata. hehe.

blues

if i were to choose, i'd choose misery over being delusional. i should've stayed miserable. it was better in a lot of ways; i was content already. now i am delusional and miserable. and i am definitely not content. i got me the birthday blues. waking up in a quiet house on your birthday can be frightening as one become sensitive on birthdays. don't get me wrong, i think birthdays aren't really special days (although i get a month to celebrate mine) but mine was kinda sad as there was no mum to make her cheapy birthday breakfast spaghetti and no sisters to yell "happy birthday!" and diss you after a few minutes and no dad to reimburse the gifts i bought for myself the day before. but really, i'm little miss pissy. didn't get what i want as i predicted and got disappointed and then some. oh hohoho!

what the heck, tyrone got me the nicest present this year, "interworld" the children's book by neil gaiman and michael reaves. i want to get a few books kasi and this one was on my list. kaya lang i'm too cheap to actually buy them. haha.

i've been in and out of it these past few days. can feel my forehead getting wrinkley. what can i do now? fly away.

awww...got a phone call from a guy with a sexy voice at midnight, haha. birthdays are so fuzzy. leandro also dropped by the cafe to greet me. and mike had been greeting me a "belated happy birthda!" sinca last week. my girlfriends also are coming over to celebrate with me on wednesday. fuzzy and kinda expensive. especially when you got so many sets of friends. had one party already last saturday night. 4 sets pa ata to go. haha

today i plan to stay in bed till lunch time and sulk. ang tanda ko na. haha. nah, i'm actually kinda ok with aging. i think i have learned a lot and grew up and am happy with the outcome. kissed most of my baggage goodbye and i feel a lot lighter now than before. aging in and out but getting better, too, i guess. thanks to those who shared with me a piece of them.

sleepy, past my bed time.

wala lang naman

1. The next person you'll hold handswith...will it mean anything?- malamang friends lang kami. haha

2. Have you kissed somebody in the last2 weeks?- nope. uhm, beso beso lang eh. friends ko.

3. Who was the last friend you had inyour room?-joy ata

4. Miss someone?- my family

5. How's your ex doing?- he's skinny as always haha

6. Is there someone you want to fight?- nope

7. Do you like someone right now?- shempre

8. Song playing?- sweet surrender, sarah maclachlan

9. What are you doing tomorrow?- waht will you do tomorrow ang taman tanong.tatatmbay anu pa ba

10. Do you know what sodomy is?- of course

11. What's annoying you right now?- wala naman

12. Do you want to go back to highschool?- AYAW KO NA, TAMAD NA KO MAG ARAL NG MATH

13. Have you ever watched a movie drunk?- uhm, wasted nga eh

14. What are you doing tonight?- grocery shopping

15. Who did you ride in a car with last?- marl and bong

16. Are you tired?- yes, of doing nothing

17. Who will you be with today/tomorrow?- si ate chel malamang

18.What kind of socks do you have on?- am not wearing any

19. What color is the shirt you are wearing?- blue and orange

20. What will you do on sunday?- CHURCH

21. Last person to call you?- ate chel!

23. Does your family own any mansions?- ahahahhaha

24. Do you have any interesting bruises or scars?- none, lahat sila boring

25. Where were you at noon today?- home, eating mechado

26. How long does it take you to get ready to go out?- an hour or 2 kasi i keep the tv on and i lose track of the time

27. Have you been outside of the U.S.?- i am!

28. The last text you received on your mobile was from?- mikkey mousey

29. Last show you watched?- eat bulaga walang kakupas kupas

31. Do you wish at 11:11?- bakit?

32. Do you wear any jewelry?- earrings madalas

33. Next vacation you're going on?- cocobeach in a few weeks daw

35. Do you have any piercings?- ears, 2 useful 2 useless. hehe

36. Last person you hugged?- are wini

37. The last time and place you went out to?- i a;ways go out to hang out sa crib hehe

38.What made you angry today?- wala naman.

39. Do you sing in the shower?- yup. i sound good in the shower. haha

40. Has anyone ever sang or playedmusic for you personally?- errr, ewww, wag na nating pag usapan ang kabaduyan ng mga nabuhay sa 90's

41. Do you love anyone?- shemps!

42. Have you ever had sex? When's the last time?- ahahahhahaha. that was so funny.

43. What's your fav. breed of dog?- i'm bias, mahal ko si cyrus

45. Do you find yourself loved?- yep

46. Called anyone a bitch today?- yung aso ko, si kyla. haha

47. Where is the weirdest place you have slept?- i dunno. sa kama ng stranger. hahahah

48. What's the closest blue object toyou- my shirt

49. What is your natural hair color?- blAck

50. What are you excited for?- wala eh. bored ako.

sit still

i can't seem to fit things in their places. god i am so sick. if only people knew, they'd probably won't talk to me anymore. i should get help. can't be still. gotta do what the mind dictates. i hate it. so what now? depression? oh please. as i have predicted, i am in the zone - the looney zone. haha. i am much aware but i can't help it. oh bother.

said yes to friends for a trip to cocobeach on the first week of october. if it will alleviate my disposition, why not. may nudist beach daw dun-yan ba bnaman gamitin pang convince sa akin! eh anu naman.weh.

goin up and down. not good.

SAD and DSPS

uh oh, the months i've been dreading are coming near. it's just so funny that when the days get shorter i also get too pissy and down. maybe it's connected with my time delay. seasonal affective disorder and delayed sleep phase syndrome. haha. i diagnosed me myself. haha.

tralala-lala. in a couple of days i'll be 28. wala pa din akong wish list. i just wish that stupid kitten outside would stop meowing kasi it's already 4:50 in the morning.

ayan, puyat na ko. i can go to sleep na in a little while. ho hum. i want a vacation. a vacation from actually doing nothing. i just want to go somewhere else. i've been thinking of driving to tagaytay alone to visit a friend but i don't wanna waste money naman. i want laser hair removal. yun! haha. or tons and tons of gluthatione. and chupa chups. and my own stairmaster. a year's derma treatments and hair treatments. i want soup and crackers. i also want corn and an apple orchard. i want a huge kitchen and sharp knives. i want to go to japan and learn how to cook authentic japanese food. i want oysters and trips to the beach. i wanna go to camiguin and bohol and i wanna learn how to use a sewing machine. i want to swim with dolphins and i wanna go deep sea fishing. i wanna travel to places with weird alphabets. hehe.

nah. i only want one thing. and that's one thing i will never get.

party in my house on saturday night. tel and carlo will also celebrate their birthdays with me on the 15th. come if you want to, i won't stop you. pica pica and drinks. bring your own baon. haha.

rigid

tough life. haha. still haven't changed my outlook a bit. still cloudy. but nevertheless, i got resources. oh, but i discovered one more source of stress. huge families and conflicts. oh well, can't get rid of them so i might as well just share the love! and stay out of trouble. so i'll just keep my mouth shut and stop complaining.

been out of tune and losing my rhythm. been up till 4 am. this is worse than the usual night shift, but i'm enjoying because i have a new alibi for staying up late.

now it's 4.17 am, the next day.

can't keep my focus still. juggling my rational thoughts with the stupid ones. spent the late afternoon recording sales for the past week and watching edward norton. i am gonna marry him. well, shempre joke lang yan. hay, i'm pretty much bloated because of huge mugs of mint mocha with whipped cream. ah, whipped cream. my worst enemy. i know i should just stop it but eversince i discovered the art of whipping, i can't help but make those lovely rosettes. and they all find their way into my tummy and my arms and my thighs and my cheeks. hahaha! okay okay, i will stop today.di na ko iinom ng cafe mocha. fattening. tubig na lang.

i miss eten sobra.

kept yapping and yapping, told tyrone stories about my life na hindi nya alam. and then i talked some more and complained some more and eventually ran out of sense and got tired of hearing my voice. oh...

i remember interviewing someone, this guy applying at the cafe:

me: tell me something about yourself

dumbo: yung honest?

ahhh, may trabaho ka! naman.

oh, blue lost his hiccups. the problem was with the intake manifold. when we bought blue, isa lang yun, eh nung isang araw, dalawa na sya, ayun. haha, buti na lang mum is here kaya napagawa agad. and now i have a list na of the repairs needed to be done. i think i'll spend something around 40k pa to get him looking and running like new. and if i can make gapang that, i won't sell him. now that's a diffrent story with big. si big kasi is a mazda b2000 na gasolina ang makina at toyota pa. san ka pa.

i am so full of nonsense. oh, and i'll be 28 in a couple of weeks. my wishlist:

wala pala.

not that i have everything i can ever wish for, but i just dont want anything anymore. and if there is one thing that i really really want, i probably won't get. so surprise me.

troubled

last sunday, my grampa was rushed to the hospital. it was his 88th birthday. i wasn't present during lunch because i was stuck in the cafe so i didn't see what happened. anyway, that same day, they found out he had a major heart attack. he was put in the ICU in a nearby hospital and we visited him the same night. i thought i wouldn't but i did cry really hard in the ICU. a cousin told me to stop because crying wasn't allowed there. but i couldn't help myself.

you see,papang was the one who raised me when i was young. almost all the bits and pieces of my childhood memories all include papang. i would always joke that it was papang's fault that i got this big kasi a long time ago, i hated eating, but when i started second grade, papang would let me eat 2 siopaos and soda before we went to school everyday. hehe. hay...i remember learning how to eat maruya and binatog kasi he would buy them for me. and i remember asking him to read funny komiks for me after classes. i remember papang as someone really strong. there was this one time, i think i was about four or five, we were on this old red embc bus going to sta. mesa. we were already in shaw blvd. i think near addition hills kasi the bus took a different route, and the traffic was really bad and it was getting late. we got off the bus and started walking. it was still a long way from our house in manila. papang carried me on his shoulders almost all the way home.

but sunday night was really weird. papang hated going to the hospital. but there he was, looking weak and helpless. and i took his hand and just started crying. i kept telling him that i love him. i can't tell him to get well soon or na magpalakas sya or anything. i didn't say anything comforting, i just kept holding his hand. his grip was still strong, i know he'll fight. i really don't know what will happen nor wish for anything good. i just want him going through all these without experiencing pain. well, papang kasi never complains about anything.

papang knows na mahal ko sya. i have always been able to show papang how much i love him and how much he means to me. i thank God na marami akong chances for that.

mum and eten are coming home. although its under an ugly circustance kaya sila uuwi, i'm happy na makita sila soon.

dami ko dilemmas but i'll be fine. i hope.

now open

finally.

please come in, we're open.

sore

so i drag a foot along, and worked badly with a cane, all because of stupid decisions such as jumping in a pool with less than 3 feet of water. undeniably stupid and absolutely in pain. no bruising or swelling just hard core pain when i try to put my foot flat on the floor. but it won't go away soon i know, i'll give it a week.

i am unhappy. no, not unhappy. lonely. but is there actually any difference? i sift through my thoughts trying to look for something tangible, something solid to hold on to as if i can actually touch happiness but i keep missing the part where i can really grip it in my hands. maybe if i keep on wishing, if i wish really hard, maybe if i write what i want over and over everywhere, maybe they will come true. maybe i can make a faery tale out of this. maybe.

i am out of ideas, i am out of willpower. i am out of everything, of patience, of long suffering. i am beginning routines, i am acting on command. i am boring and ugly and uninteresting and old. i am beginning to hate myself again. i can't think, i can't write. i can't work, i can't find what i want.

aren't we all tired?

still waiting. we need a lot of stuff pa before we can finally open. i think we can make it next week. thursday, probably. i'm jinxing it ata. haha!

i bore myself. i'm paranoid. i might bore you, too.

i am lonely.

i work my ass off all day and i get home to an empty house, and i entertain myself by washing the dishes. i remember the last time i fought this off, i kept on working and working out and tried not to sleep thinking work can really kill me. i don't want to whine and complain about the same things over and over again...i can't do anything about a lot things anyway. hay...

all i can do is wait.

i just want to walk away. everyday, i see imperfections and i just want to stop. i am the source of my discouragement. but i want to keep it to myself because they never seem to understand how this is for me. they don't have the slightest idea how i feel.

i only look forward to one thing and if it comes, i'll say goodbye to all of these.

please, do come.

playing doctor

yesterday and today were marked with a humongous(if it can be measured in 3d)migraine attack. add that to my dizzy spell last saturday, i'd say there is definitely something wrong with me. i have ruled out eye problems as my eyes are kinda ok, no twitching or weird rapid movements or itchiness or anything and the headaches are concentrated only at the right side of my head. my bp is the normal 110/80. and i drink juice a lot so i guess i don't lack sugar.

so i suggest that it can be vertigo. dad and mama tela had vertigo, too. if it can be passed on, well, i got the family heirloom!

or it can be a cancerous tumor growing in my head, the thing can be alive and might be actually doing the thinking for me thus my sick thoughts. hehe. i asked ate wins that if i do have cancer not to send me to the hospital immediately, but rather, papayatin muna ko sa sakit. haha! loka loka daw ako. i know. but sabi ko, ayoko mag pa check at cancer ang diagnosis. kasi baka pag tinanung ko un doctor kung anung treatment, baka isagot sakin: iha, che-chemo. at baka di ko mapigilang isagot ay: bastos ka, doctor ka pa naman, t*** mo din! weehehhehe! ang gross ko!

gusto ko lang ishare. i think may jinx ako sa mga restrooms. i think it's because i'm really maarte. kaya nga, i only like going to shangri-la or greenbelt 3 or 4 because they have clean restrooms. even sa mga resorts, cr agad ang first thing i check. i always carry alcohol and loads of tissue when goin out kasi takot ako maaccident sa bathroom kaya i squirt toilet bowls with alcohol and do major stretching wiping the toilet seat with tissue using my foot. ayoko kaya magka herpes sa public restrooms. ehehheeh.

story 1: so sa sobrang arte ko, i prefer the pay restrooms pa rin kahit sa shangri-la. and i like using the one sa may starbucks. eh one time, i really had to go, eh malayo pa kami ni te wins, she told me to use na un pay restroom na malapit. so we went in, and i did my ritual of alcohol-squirting and peed. aba, un katabi kong cubicle, nag flush at nagoverflow un water and un pants ko were still on my knees! napaupo talaga ako kasi mababasa un feet ko nad my jeans!wah! mejo nahirapan ako isipin kung anung gagawin ko kasi di ba, mejo exposed ako. wah! so, i folded my jeans and tried to stand up para masuot ko un jeans ko habang ate winnie called for help at alam kong tatawa tawa at ngingisi-ngisi sha.hmft. un attendant asked me to open the door.pinapatungtong ba naman ako sa monoblock na stool! hello, matanda na ako at hindi na ko flexible! ang hirap nun ha, kasi nastretch and hamstrings and thighs ko hahahaa kasi after nung stool sa mophead(which, luckily, was dry and clean and new) naman bago ko makatakas sa flood,buti na lang i was wearing un sandals na di magseep through un water. and i did all this while stopping myself from puking.

story 2: kanina, i went to a supplier with ate wins ulit. i asked if i could use the cr dun. so they told me to go through this door and take the 2nd door inside to the left. ayun. there were 2 cubicles so i didn't lock the door. while i was inside the cubicle, someone knocked but i couldnt get out because i wsn't done yet. so after i washed my hands, ayun, i found out i was locked inside. i texted ate wins that i waas stuck and i knocked on the door. buti na lang, may tao dun waiting for me to get out. sa madaling salita, i was stuck sa loob ng mga 10 minutes. shempre di naman ako yun type na nagpapanic kaya cool lang ako. nakakatawa kasi they tried to kick the door in but di nagwork so binaklas nila un doorknob. pagkatanggal nung door knob, di pa rin mabuksan kasi hindi mahugot ung latch. so the boss, the younger one, kicked the door open na. nakakatakot pala un. kala ko kasi parang si jet li, un iikot pa un pinto parang kinung fu. pero hindi naman. so after the door opened, niyakap ko yun guy sabi ko, my hero, and we lived happily ever after.joke lang. sabi nya, this chinese mestizo guy, natupad na un pangarap nya na sumipa ng pintuan, at ako ang tumupad ng pangarap nya sapagka't ako ay isang diwata. tarush. sabi nya bibigyan nya ko ng 10% discount di naman...

malas! ehehehhe. but shempre mas takot pa rin ako magka herpes. hehehe. am going to check myself in sa princeton-plainsboro para madiagnose ako ni gregory house.

itchy

eye think eye have an i problem. naman. i called the american eye center and asked how much ung rates. 70k daw. mikkey said i should sell the car. ahahahah! magbebenta na lang ako ng kape. i swear, sa 16th na.

things to do:

1. finish lay out for:

a. menu board

b. menu

c. etc. (alam ko marami pa yan pero di ko maisip ngayon eh)

2. talk to the signage people

3. look for furniture

4. pick up stocks

5. grocery

6. cook

7. look for uniforms

8. budget

9. try to work out

10. think of more things to do

i hope i can get things done this week. and i hope i can go to the gym. i really need endorphins. its better that way than cutting myself up. haha. as soon as this picks up, i'm going to work out na. balak ko kasing sumali sa search for the white castle girl. ehehe. seriously. hehe. iinum na ko ng fitrum kasi idol ko si juday. weh!

wala ng signs ng mga friends ko na daga. haha, everytime i'd use the bathroom sa gabi, i turn on the lights first and knock hard on the door. ahahaha! oh, one more thing i forgot to get pala, toothpaste. weh. but kanina when i starteed craving for cake, i didn't hesitate to get one delivered here even if i had to spend the last 300 bucks sa wallet ko. kaya pagising ko, i'll go look for an atm to get money habang di nagsasalita kasi di pa ko nagsisipilyo. yan ang tothyal!

i hate me

nakakainis.i annoy myself. i swear. this is one of those days that i feel like crap. parang i feel so stupid and ugly and worthless and man, i'm gonna kill myself! it's 1 am and i am starving. i step on the stapler pa getting off the bed to get something to eat. ouch. hmft.and i open the fridge and i find 2 lemons, shortening,and butter. haha. thank god for hotdogs na malupet and pork and beans. so i forget to buy real food, so what? i remember to buy detergent naman eh. only to find out that i have a lot of detergent pa. and i got racumin. twice na kasi ako hinarass ng rats sa bathroom. i chopped chiken pa and mixed it with the poison. i haven't seen the rodents in two days already. i didn't want to use racumin pa sana kasi tyrone said, di sila mag smell if they die kasi may pang embalm daw. anu un, formalin?oo daw. ayoko kasi masama sabi ng DOH baka mamatay un mga daga.and i bought a light bulb for my room and i can't change the old one kasi i can't reach it. my kitchen smells like puke kasi un trash, hindi nilabas. and i think i can't take care of myself anymore. because i have this thing na i get hooked on the things i do na i don't even want to go to sleep anymore because i want to get everything done kahit alam ko na imposible yun. and i hate it na people sleep pa kasi it's such a waste of time. and i hate it because i go swinging all the way from one mood to another na kasing dali lang ng pagpapalit ng underwear. i hate it kasi i am so unlucky. i hate the flood na dinaanan ko kanina. i am so pissy. been thinking. what if i die before i even get to that part? or just disappear before it happens. one can never know. but one cannot insist. i believe in that. even if it's crap. oh, crap. I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. yeah. oh crap. i hate being pisst, too. and i hate my eyes. i hate being gullible. wag nyo nga ako pinaglololoko.i need a hug. wah. keso."Love is such a strong word. And if you are going to use it, make sure you know what it means. Cause it hurts to hear and know that you don't mean it." it hurts to realize that when all your life you've thought that you are smart and strong, you fall victim to the things you could have said no to the first time. i am guilty of a lot of things. i am really confusing myself because this leads to no where.