clumpy lumpy

i had to cry over my modem. and now, it works!

got hungry so i decided to eat instant pho but still hungry. decided to cook soup. but was too engrossed in searching for something, i forgot that you have to stir the instant soup. so i almost burned the soup but got in time to the stove before it gets crisp. found that my soup has become a clump of some dehydrated rehydrated mass of things unknown.kinda saved it, but it's not at all creamy like it supposed to be( says "cream of mushroom" on the package).

anyway, i was really pmsing a lot today. kaya pala i was feeling a little too low, and was really sleepy today. as in really sleepy. i was in the gym on this machine and my eyes were like closing. how come that doesn't happen here at home? hmft.

gotta paint. i need to get stuff done before the 1st of november. so i got no long weekend after all. i'm excited about this though. haven't had the chance to paint in a long time.

about the entry about weddings...tel and i tried to convince my bestfriend not to splurge on engagement rings. kasi napaka western ng idea na yan. sa pilipinas, pag namanhikan, yun na yun, magdala na lang sha ng baka, kambing, at manok. sabi ko, panotaryo na lang sila ng kasulatan, kasi 50 pesos lang yun sa bayan. o kaya, sabi ni tel, puka shells na lang. sabi din nya, dapat, i-save na lang ang pera, para pag kasal na may emergency money. ayun yun eh. pwede na yun emergency ring! labo ko talaga, kasi excited ako sa mga kasal nila, pero lahat ata ng ideas ko, napaka unromantic. hehe.

i miss my FA friends.

wala lang naman

was talking to a married cousin a few nights ago. why do we enjoy spinsterhood daw. haha, it wasn't actually the question. it was rather something like, why we are actually fine with living with our parents now, me and my cousin, tyrone. we're like 28 and 29 already and we live in our parents' house.still. here are the answers.

a. it is unreasonable to rent.work is near and accessible.
b. they prefer that we can be around to help out.

c. after getting over teenage angst(oh, i wanna get out of the house as soon as i graduate, can't stay with the parents because they don't understand crap), it's actually nice to be with your parents when you're already an adult. kasi you actually understand what they actually mean. and you have peace with it. and you appreciate them. nag- abot na kasi ang mga utak.

there. masarap talaga dumating sa punto na maging mapayapa patungo sa magulang. i thank ours for raising us well, and for training us to actually think. and grow.

everybody's doing it, so why would i?

been searching the net for wedding gowns. not for me, though. i'm gonna be a friend's maid of honor. hehe. siguro the day i get married, it'll also be the day that i die. oh, that didn't come out right. what i meant was, never! i'll forever be a bridesmaid siguro. but in kuya jeje's case, the bestman. hehe, we already agreed on that, i'll be the bestman wearing a gown.haha.

it's a trend na here, getting married. almost all my friends are gonna get hitched na, and i'll be helping a lot in planning. yun lang ang role ko. dati nung debut ang uso, ako ang nauna, trendsetter, haha, but now, i think i'll wait for it na masabing fad lang ito.haha

i asked my mum once dati,"mum, pwede ba mag-anak na lang ako na walang asawa?" sabi nya,"gaga ka talaga". yun din ang sinabi nya sa akin nung binutas ko yung tenga ko nung highschool pa ako. oh well. i think that's kinda out of the question.

came upon this site, http://www.thefrock.com/. hanep, really vintage gowns. like the 1920's, and some from the 1800's. astig, what would it feel like kaya to wear a gown of someone dead for like a million years na. creepy. a gown costs thousands of dollars. siguro kasama yung ghost nung nagsuot nun. ehehhehe...boo!! yoshee, i'll buy you a gown from that site. ahahahah!

if ever i get married, gusto ko may theme. parang costume party. oh kaya, come as you are. o kaya carnival motiff. parang may tsubibo shaka merry-go-round. tapos maraming cotton candy! ay, parang children's party...di pwede...ah s&m na lang ang theme. para leather. tapos ang tokens sa wedding ko, handcuffs for the men, tapos whips for the women.

basta, if i don't get married before i turn 30, i'll marry joe black basta he comes in brad pitt's body. well, maybe someday i'll get married in greece. we'll never now.

ooohh i think iterax works...

putos

photos taken by kitty kat. eto na ang cafe ko.

brick walls

i like dead ends. sabi nga ni bugs bunny, they're polite enough to tell you na you're getting no where. i've been slamming on a lot of brick walls lately. it hurts, though, but i have no choice. kasi nga, there are matters na we can't control. and i just need to be gracious in receiving losses. i hope i find 'em back.

painting a red brick wall. i mean, i am making a painting of a red brick wall. i like dead ends. they tell you that you are getting no where.

my eyelids feel weird. they have a need to rest, but i can't make them. it's all bright outside. there are birds singing. and there are people walking. i can all hear them. i hate mornings. everything seems to be so bigger than life. maybe it's because of restlessness. i hate it when i hear the neighbor sweeping leaves. it anoys me to hear tricycles roaring. i hate mornings.

i wish i slam into that certain brick wall that will hurt me so much that it'll stop me dead on my tracks. i just want to stop now. i feel really tired of pushing myself. oh good heavens, i need to sleep, i need my senses back.

i need to do what i must do.

sleepless na naman ako. maybe i should try tiring myself para i can sleep. tsk tsk. it's 6.15 and wala talagang antok. i want to sleep please...

of heartbreaks and empty pockets

my bestfriend is now single and available. so now little misses out there, he's out for grabs! my wish for jeje my bestfriend is that he find a nice girl who'd actually marry him.

tsk tsk. and he was about to buy the "ring". sayang.

oh heartbreaks. and attached to it, getting really broke. haha. i remember dating this guy, who i met somewhere in space, who was really galeng in making me kilig.after a few "moments" treated me like a girlfriend. i am really shallow, you know, text me a few times and you got me head over feet. haha. went out for a couple of times, got really close, and viola! he was fired from his job while we were dating.one day sweet talked me into giving him a loaner so he could get some stupid accesory for his ps. we went to greenhills, holding hands and being cuddly, and after i got his toy, dropped me at the office and two days after that, never was heard from again. until one day messaged me about getting jiggy. ewww. buti sana kung ang hot nya eh hindi naman. weh!

i have friends as stupid as me naman so i forgave myself. actually they are 7000 times stupider than me. so vindicated na ko. funny di ba, mga stupid stories i get to hear about love and stuff and mga stories told habang umiiyak yung storyteller. got me loads of that. but what the heck. funny, may forwarded message galing sa friend ko saying that a woman needs only one man, the man who can prove to her that not all men are the same. actually, not all men are the same talaga, thay vary from bull to bull. haha. but nevertheless, kahit ideny nyo pa girls, we can't live without then and the bull that comes with them. hehe. sarap kasi maasar.

but i'd rather be brokenhearted sa love love na yan. kesa naman kanina. i was trying to get a slot for the art fair on november and had inquired pa ng august. tapos kanina sabi ba naman sa kin, priority daw yung mga more organized groups and galleries. kainis!nakakapikon talaga. kanina nagmumukmok na naman ako, sabi ni mikkey isang art fair lang daw yan. eh. at maraming galleries worldwide. hala. punta ko zimbabwe. or sa qatar. bakit organized naman daw kami sabi ni sam eh. che.

what can i say, maybe i am just not good enough. ok lang meron naman akong super power.

rewind:

papang passed away around 5 am of sept. 22, 2007. i got the text message from my tita asking me to come to their place. i got there and saw papang lying lifeless on his new bed. he was still warm. he died in his sleep. he looked really peaceful. days before that, he had trouble breathing and was in pain because of his bed sores, but he never complained. tita said he would only cry whenever she had to clean his wounds. but the night before he died, his breathing relaxed and he seemed not to struggle anymore.

i think dying isn't bad as it seems. when you die, it ends pain and misery, the body rests, the spirit lives on. i think death affects the living more. when death comes, the people around become overwhelmed. because death brings change. and change becomes scary when you are not prepared for it. routines change, spaces are created. absence brings emptiness and emptiness brings sadness. and the dead won't feel any of it. but the living will.

being prepared for death means you have to accept it. either ends, you should be ready.

papang passed away september 22, 2007.

bad bad nights

been getting worse. gotta sleep. would usually end up watching movies but i keep choosing the wrong ones, kasi i get excited pa. been singing "return to pooh corner" every night, too. haha! ohhh...i need medical help ata. hehe.

blues

if i were to choose, i'd choose misery over being delusional. i should've stayed miserable. it was better in a lot of ways; i was content already. now i am delusional and miserable. and i am definitely not content. i got me the birthday blues. waking up in a quiet house on your birthday can be frightening as one become sensitive on birthdays. don't get me wrong, i think birthdays aren't really special days (although i get a month to celebrate mine) but mine was kinda sad as there was no mum to make her cheapy birthday breakfast spaghetti and no sisters to yell "happy birthday!" and diss you after a few minutes and no dad to reimburse the gifts i bought for myself the day before. but really, i'm little miss pissy. didn't get what i want as i predicted and got disappointed and then some. oh hohoho!

what the heck, tyrone got me the nicest present this year, "interworld" the children's book by neil gaiman and michael reaves. i want to get a few books kasi and this one was on my list. kaya lang i'm too cheap to actually buy them. haha.

i've been in and out of it these past few days. can feel my forehead getting wrinkley. what can i do now? fly away.

awww...got a phone call from a guy with a sexy voice at midnight, haha. birthdays are so fuzzy. leandro also dropped by the cafe to greet me. and mike had been greeting me a "belated happy birthda!" sinca last week. my girlfriends also are coming over to celebrate with me on wednesday. fuzzy and kinda expensive. especially when you got so many sets of friends. had one party already last saturday night. 4 sets pa ata to go. haha

today i plan to stay in bed till lunch time and sulk. ang tanda ko na. haha. nah, i'm actually kinda ok with aging. i think i have learned a lot and grew up and am happy with the outcome. kissed most of my baggage goodbye and i feel a lot lighter now than before. aging in and out but getting better, too, i guess. thanks to those who shared with me a piece of them.

sleepy, past my bed time.

wala lang naman

1. The next person you'll hold handswith...will it mean anything?- malamang friends lang kami. haha

2. Have you kissed somebody in the last2 weeks?- nope. uhm, beso beso lang eh. friends ko.

3. Who was the last friend you had inyour room?-joy ata

4. Miss someone?- my family

5. How's your ex doing?- he's skinny as always haha

6. Is there someone you want to fight?- nope

7. Do you like someone right now?- shempre

8. Song playing?- sweet surrender, sarah maclachlan

9. What are you doing tomorrow?- waht will you do tomorrow ang taman tanong.tatatmbay anu pa ba

10. Do you know what sodomy is?- of course

11. What's annoying you right now?- wala naman

12. Do you want to go back to highschool?- AYAW KO NA, TAMAD NA KO MAG ARAL NG MATH

13. Have you ever watched a movie drunk?- uhm, wasted nga eh

14. What are you doing tonight?- grocery shopping

15. Who did you ride in a car with last?- marl and bong

16. Are you tired?- yes, of doing nothing

17. Who will you be with today/tomorrow?- si ate chel malamang

18.What kind of socks do you have on?- am not wearing any

19. What color is the shirt you are wearing?- blue and orange

20. What will you do on sunday?- CHURCH

21. Last person to call you?- ate chel!

23. Does your family own any mansions?- ahahahhaha

24. Do you have any interesting bruises or scars?- none, lahat sila boring

25. Where were you at noon today?- home, eating mechado

26. How long does it take you to get ready to go out?- an hour or 2 kasi i keep the tv on and i lose track of the time

27. Have you been outside of the U.S.?- i am!

28. The last text you received on your mobile was from?- mikkey mousey

29. Last show you watched?- eat bulaga walang kakupas kupas

31. Do you wish at 11:11?- bakit?

32. Do you wear any jewelry?- earrings madalas

33. Next vacation you're going on?- cocobeach in a few weeks daw

35. Do you have any piercings?- ears, 2 useful 2 useless. hehe

36. Last person you hugged?- are wini

37. The last time and place you went out to?- i a;ways go out to hang out sa crib hehe

38.What made you angry today?- wala naman.

39. Do you sing in the shower?- yup. i sound good in the shower. haha

40. Has anyone ever sang or playedmusic for you personally?- errr, ewww, wag na nating pag usapan ang kabaduyan ng mga nabuhay sa 90's

41. Do you love anyone?- shemps!

42. Have you ever had sex? When's the last time?- ahahahhahaha. that was so funny.

43. What's your fav. breed of dog?- i'm bias, mahal ko si cyrus

45. Do you find yourself loved?- yep

46. Called anyone a bitch today?- yung aso ko, si kyla. haha

47. Where is the weirdest place you have slept?- i dunno. sa kama ng stranger. hahahah

48. What's the closest blue object toyou- my shirt

49. What is your natural hair color?- blAck

50. What are you excited for?- wala eh. bored ako.

sit still

i can't seem to fit things in their places. god i am so sick. if only people knew, they'd probably won't talk to me anymore. i should get help. can't be still. gotta do what the mind dictates. i hate it. so what now? depression? oh please. as i have predicted, i am in the zone - the looney zone. haha. i am much aware but i can't help it. oh bother.

said yes to friends for a trip to cocobeach on the first week of october. if it will alleviate my disposition, why not. may nudist beach daw dun-yan ba bnaman gamitin pang convince sa akin! eh anu naman.weh.

goin up and down. not good.

SAD and DSPS

uh oh, the months i've been dreading are coming near. it's just so funny that when the days get shorter i also get too pissy and down. maybe it's connected with my time delay. seasonal affective disorder and delayed sleep phase syndrome. haha. i diagnosed me myself. haha.

tralala-lala. in a couple of days i'll be 28. wala pa din akong wish list. i just wish that stupid kitten outside would stop meowing kasi it's already 4:50 in the morning.

ayan, puyat na ko. i can go to sleep na in a little while. ho hum. i want a vacation. a vacation from actually doing nothing. i just want to go somewhere else. i've been thinking of driving to tagaytay alone to visit a friend but i don't wanna waste money naman. i want laser hair removal. yun! haha. or tons and tons of gluthatione. and chupa chups. and my own stairmaster. a year's derma treatments and hair treatments. i want soup and crackers. i also want corn and an apple orchard. i want a huge kitchen and sharp knives. i want to go to japan and learn how to cook authentic japanese food. i want oysters and trips to the beach. i wanna go to camiguin and bohol and i wanna learn how to use a sewing machine. i want to swim with dolphins and i wanna go deep sea fishing. i wanna travel to places with weird alphabets. hehe.

nah. i only want one thing. and that's one thing i will never get.

party in my house on saturday night. tel and carlo will also celebrate their birthdays with me on the 15th. come if you want to, i won't stop you. pica pica and drinks. bring your own baon. haha.

rigid

tough life. haha. still haven't changed my outlook a bit. still cloudy. but nevertheless, i got resources. oh, but i discovered one more source of stress. huge families and conflicts. oh well, can't get rid of them so i might as well just share the love! and stay out of trouble. so i'll just keep my mouth shut and stop complaining.

been out of tune and losing my rhythm. been up till 4 am. this is worse than the usual night shift, but i'm enjoying because i have a new alibi for staying up late.

now it's 4.17 am, the next day.

can't keep my focus still. juggling my rational thoughts with the stupid ones. spent the late afternoon recording sales for the past week and watching edward norton. i am gonna marry him. well, shempre joke lang yan. hay, i'm pretty much bloated because of huge mugs of mint mocha with whipped cream. ah, whipped cream. my worst enemy. i know i should just stop it but eversince i discovered the art of whipping, i can't help but make those lovely rosettes. and they all find their way into my tummy and my arms and my thighs and my cheeks. hahaha! okay okay, i will stop today.di na ko iinom ng cafe mocha. fattening. tubig na lang.

i miss eten sobra.

kept yapping and yapping, told tyrone stories about my life na hindi nya alam. and then i talked some more and complained some more and eventually ran out of sense and got tired of hearing my voice. oh...

i remember interviewing someone, this guy applying at the cafe:

me: tell me something about yourself

dumbo: yung honest?

ahhh, may trabaho ka! naman.

oh, blue lost his hiccups. the problem was with the intake manifold. when we bought blue, isa lang yun, eh nung isang araw, dalawa na sya, ayun. haha, buti na lang mum is here kaya napagawa agad. and now i have a list na of the repairs needed to be done. i think i'll spend something around 40k pa to get him looking and running like new. and if i can make gapang that, i won't sell him. now that's a diffrent story with big. si big kasi is a mazda b2000 na gasolina ang makina at toyota pa. san ka pa.

i am so full of nonsense. oh, and i'll be 28 in a couple of weeks. my wishlist:

wala pala.

not that i have everything i can ever wish for, but i just dont want anything anymore. and if there is one thing that i really really want, i probably won't get. so surprise me.

troubled

last sunday, my grampa was rushed to the hospital. it was his 88th birthday. i wasn't present during lunch because i was stuck in the cafe so i didn't see what happened. anyway, that same day, they found out he had a major heart attack. he was put in the ICU in a nearby hospital and we visited him the same night. i thought i wouldn't but i did cry really hard in the ICU. a cousin told me to stop because crying wasn't allowed there. but i couldn't help myself.

you see,papang was the one who raised me when i was young. almost all the bits and pieces of my childhood memories all include papang. i would always joke that it was papang's fault that i got this big kasi a long time ago, i hated eating, but when i started second grade, papang would let me eat 2 siopaos and soda before we went to school everyday. hehe. hay...i remember learning how to eat maruya and binatog kasi he would buy them for me. and i remember asking him to read funny komiks for me after classes. i remember papang as someone really strong. there was this one time, i think i was about four or five, we were on this old red embc bus going to sta. mesa. we were already in shaw blvd. i think near addition hills kasi the bus took a different route, and the traffic was really bad and it was getting late. we got off the bus and started walking. it was still a long way from our house in manila. papang carried me on his shoulders almost all the way home.

but sunday night was really weird. papang hated going to the hospital. but there he was, looking weak and helpless. and i took his hand and just started crying. i kept telling him that i love him. i can't tell him to get well soon or na magpalakas sya or anything. i didn't say anything comforting, i just kept holding his hand. his grip was still strong, i know he'll fight. i really don't know what will happen nor wish for anything good. i just want him going through all these without experiencing pain. well, papang kasi never complains about anything.

papang knows na mahal ko sya. i have always been able to show papang how much i love him and how much he means to me. i thank God na marami akong chances for that.

mum and eten are coming home. although its under an ugly circustance kaya sila uuwi, i'm happy na makita sila soon.

dami ko dilemmas but i'll be fine. i hope.

now open

finally.

please come in, we're open.

sore

so i drag a foot along, and worked badly with a cane, all because of stupid decisions such as jumping in a pool with less than 3 feet of water. undeniably stupid and absolutely in pain. no bruising or swelling just hard core pain when i try to put my foot flat on the floor. but it won't go away soon i know, i'll give it a week.

i am unhappy. no, not unhappy. lonely. but is there actually any difference? i sift through my thoughts trying to look for something tangible, something solid to hold on to as if i can actually touch happiness but i keep missing the part where i can really grip it in my hands. maybe if i keep on wishing, if i wish really hard, maybe if i write what i want over and over everywhere, maybe they will come true. maybe i can make a faery tale out of this. maybe.

i am out of ideas, i am out of willpower. i am out of everything, of patience, of long suffering. i am beginning routines, i am acting on command. i am boring and ugly and uninteresting and old. i am beginning to hate myself again. i can't think, i can't write. i can't work, i can't find what i want.

aren't we all tired?