Tuesday, August 30, 2005

jaclyn jose and me

i was trying to evaluate the happenings in my life these past few days while i was driving to work. well, you see, i talk to myself out loud when i'm alone in the car. i was speaking in a manner that quite amused me, at the same time made me feel slightly more pathetic. i began sounding like jaclyn jose, me and my little monologues. i was speaking in filipino, when i usually think in english, and it sounded weird and melodramatic. i was possessed. pwedeng pang-indie movie ang car scenes ko.
hmm...let's see...
according to geoff, change is inevitable. uhuh, it sure is. changes. they happen sometimes uncalled for, sometimes after a long process. like the imperial theater (which happened to be a landmark in antipolo) being torn down and replaced by the new shopwise. like losing and gaining weight. like falling in love with a friend. like friends growing apart. like when the man you're supposed to marry and devote your life to one day woke up and decided to leave you for another girl.
events shift so fast. you go from up to down, left and right, in a spiral, in a vacuum, down an endless pit.
but then why do i feel stagnant?
jaclyn jose, monologue 1. from antipolo to valley golf.
i keep myself from dozing off until to the extent that i start going looney just to extend a day. i just need to work with my hands. i am thrilled with the idea of my own small business. i am in the process of considering getting drills and soldering irons and varieties of wires and semi precious stones and everything else.
i've started working with glass beads, plastic beads, and stones called agate. now, when stones you buy that are quite expensive and finished brooches start disappearing in your own home, you start thinking that your naughty little sister has something to do with it. now, when you now for a fact that she likes to hide things, you start to probe. now when she resists, and your parents start defending her, you know it's time to move out.
when do i start moving forward?
jaclyn jose, monologue 2. valley golf to junction.
good lord, why do i have to feel these things. i get so tired. i don't think i deserve this. i deserve a little better. but when will they all come.
i'm tired of hoping, i let go of expectations. i want to stop praying.
i just want peace. if this is as good as it will ever get, give me contentment and patience.
if i let go of something, what should it be?
i just want to have time to run and walk like how it used to be a long time ago. when i hurt so much, when i push myself to the limit. like in 1996.
i begin to curse change.
then i start thinking, am i still sane? or have i snapped and unaware of it?
jaclyn jose, monologue 3. junction to c5.
i had to stop and exorcise myself before i started the crying scenes. so from kalayaan to makati ave. i just panicked a lot because i thought i'll be late.
hay. i missed blogging. i have so many things in my mind and so much in my hands and still, i'm the unorganized fathead that i always am.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

psssst! wag ka na nga1 magaling ka magsulat, ill give you that! pero jacklyn jose? sus!

thinking out loud said...

hehehehe! miss drama queen! lapit na birthday natin! a year older hopefully wiser. Miss you abs, date naman tayo soon!

abba said...

drama queen talaga ako hehe =) but i know lapit na the time when i'll be all okay, i'm just waiting, and rock n roll na ulet.
as for the wiser part, i do hope i get good at it. you bring me much inspiration.love you, raens.
let's dine and wine soon...i'll check my sched and see if we'll jive, okay? see you soon!