Monday, July 17, 2006

turn it off

it has been a long time since i turned completely around and swallowed reality. now, it haunts me again. but it is voluntary. i open myself up to the truth too much but then i choose to live in the dream. i have forgotten how it is to be truly alive and have ignored the constant reminder which friends offer.

i have pushed myself too much and applied pressure on myself. i can't quit; i am in too deep. i have too many of what keeps me busy. i wanted them all because i thought they would keep me sane. now, i reap the complexities of the consequences because i forgot to say no.

the more i keep myself busy, the more reasons there are to keep my mind set on something worthwhile. but i suddenly stop and my hands cease to move and i see pieces of the pictures of the our past life. what it used to be is worth unlearning. i am fully aware that the task of doing so is my responsibility.

i have not gone to deep thoughts or to profound explanations yet. i only understand that i am human and i am not equipped to defend myself from the bitter cold humanity can bring. i am vulnerable, and yes, i am weak. but my walls have kept me guarded from any warmth the other may have to offer.

i am sleepless and tired. my eyes want to shut close, my body has gotten too tired. i beg for my mind to finally find rest but the actions that i make in those hours when the world is awake hinders the silence i deserve. i am not normal, i am not strong.

when the night has gifted all with that precious quiet, i sit up and then thoughts envelop me and choke me. as soon as my fingers stop to move, i wish you, also, would leave me alone.

what is this? there is light coming from the window.

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