Wednesday, June 15, 2005

i'm a vegetable

boring. everything bores me to death.

i declared my intentions of leaving my call girl job. the bosses keep giving me crap, and insist that i stay. god. i just remembered that i hate monotony. that's why i hated school. i hate routines. well, who'll get thrilled with an 8-hour job that starts at 10 in the evening? i'm experiencing major burn out here. i can't even take the commuting anymore. i realized that i've been bringing the car almost, no, not almost, but everyday! i hate the fx rides, the walk from bus stops, the bus, the people...i hate , i hate!

their big question: what am i gonna do after? i am officially enrolled, thank you. i have a teaching job, and i can be the family driver again. yes, a no-brainer lifestyle... and i can paint in the evenings when i am mostly wide awake and creative.

i mean, i miss a lot of things with this call center job. i can't even go to exhibit openings, i can't mingle, i can't build connections. i am definitely wasting the good years. i can't be with my friends. i can't even be with my family anymore. i can't party! somebody save me please!

i feel unfulfilled, worthless, and stagnant.

enough of that.

---at least i have happy memories from last week.

i got to spend a day with mike, and that made me feel happy. i feel carefree when mike's around. we fell asleep watching mr. and mrs. smith. whehehehe.

eten's party went well. the cotilllion dancers did a great job. thanks to mark, he really grooves. well, what happened after the party was even more delightful. we sang our alcohol-drenched hearts away. i fell asleep on olan's shoulder, woke up on someone else's and slept in an airconditioned room till 1pm. nice.

and sa wakas, i visited raena and pow. sarap. just like what raena kept saying, super laid back. time goes slow-mo whenever you're there. plus, razi entertained us pa with his kung-fu moves. stayed for dinner, pow made really sarap chicken and soup. mike came pa! hayayayay!see what i miss with this stupid job?!


will still have to wait for a month or two. my team leader doesn't want to accept my resignation letter yet.

in the meantime, patience muna. and it is a virtue i don't really have----

ho humm. what is this? it is not that intense, and it is just a feel-good thing. but it gives me a sense of lightheadedness, of freedom, and it brings tiny little sparks in my system. it also sends occassional butterflies in my stomach. siguro, not now, but in the near future...but then again, i hope not...i should enjoy it before it disappears...or rather avoid feeding the thought, the emotions...i want it to stay there forever. i hope i don't scare it away...

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