how clean and pure can our thoughts be?
we always have the tendencies to say that our intentions are good, that we feel for the others, that we understand. we keep on pretending we are sensitive, considerate creatures.
let's look at this--a two way thing. the active and the passive it's either we give too much or we take too much. give and take. for me, it's different from giving and receiving. the word "taking" suggests force to me."receiving" for me, however, is the passive, done without a choice, involuntarily. both ways though, we abuse it.
we give because we want to reach out, to help, to make others feel good. in return, there's this unexplainable feeling we get. it is a nice kind of feeling, nothing material, it is very abstract. then there's giving with intense intentions of gaining. really mean. this is when you expect to get something in return. unfortunately, we tend to expect more than what we gave out.
now i am hooked to this kind of giving without asking for anything in return. i get high with that feel. nasty thing is, i have no limitations. i give and i give until i exhaust all my resources. and i end up with nothing.
then there are moments when i stare out in space and think,"puta, naisahan na naman ako ah"...
i most of the times feel taken for granted. my bad. i don't have to. maybe i just need to be comforted more, to feel more appreciated. but then, i remind myself, no one can satisfy that longing but me. i then get sucked back to reality, and i say, i love myself, i make me feel good. i definitely complete me. why look for that from others, right?
but maybe, just maybe, it'll happen.
i had breakfast with blythe yesterday, while waiting for service stations to open. i had a flat tire and didn't want to risk it. antipolo's a long way from makati. as usual, we talked about life in general, other people, us, and how sablay our thoughts are.
we ended up talking about my brand new bout with depression. what is wrong with me? this is hard. it's easier when problems meet you face to face, upfront. at least you know what you're up against. you come up with solutions faster. when you know what you can work with.
actually, i have no idea what's troubling me. and i don't know what to do, big time.
blythe suggested that i should get angry. with her pa nga eh...
big question: is it worth the effort? i choose to use up my energy to do more productive things. but will it pay off? will releasing it through anger, through rage incomparable, or through hostility towards others do the trick? will it give me peace?
then i guess it would be the end of it all. remember my longing to cut off all connections with people? ako pa kaya yun?
kayo? kaya nyo ba na ganun ako?