Thursday, January 11, 2007

nothing better to do

just like i said last year, ang sarap talaga sa antipolo kapag january. same weird thing though. i can't sleep at night talaga.

things to do when you can't sleep:

1. watch 6 episodes of House. you can go to the bathroom in between the episodes. have a liter of lipton green tea on hand, an you're good to go.

2. stare at unfinished paintings and pray that they will finish themselves right before your very eyes.

3. sms. sorry na lang if everyone's asleep or working.

4. read a book. slowly lang kasi you're smsing.

5. get your nephew and niece to help you make carbonara at 12 am. if naubusan ng lpg while cooking, there's always the microwave. but worry muna for a few minutes before putting everything in the microwave.

6. pour chocolate syrup on a banana and share with two kids

7. watch "bagets" but do this in bed in case you fall asleep. but i guarantee you won't fall asleep. you'll have a hard time because you'll be laughing at the outfits. also you have to watch really carefully to see if the story goes anywhere.

8. contemplate if you'll watch "bagets 2".

9. think of things to do tomorrow. you can actually do them instead of just thinking about them but no sleep will make you too lazy to actually get anything started.

10. write weird thoughts like, I’ve been having trouble sleeping again.

A few minutes were spent staring blankly into the screen. Trying to make out a picture, an image, but my efforts are futile.

I’m trying to re-evaluate things. There are a lot of things I regret that I did in the past, but there’s no sense in denying these. So I just accept the past as past and try not to make the same mistakes or anything as equally stupid as them. Looking back at things, I realize that I have issues with trust. Either I trust people too much that I get hurt so badly or I trust myself too much that I get the exact same results. Either way, I end up badly beaten and crushed, almost as good as dead.

I like building walls around me. I have learned to manage things easily with this. What I almost always forget is that a certain part of me has become a separate entity from my whole being. And it turns out to be really gullible, thus vulnerable. More often than not, the walls just fail me. It’s a never ending cycle.

Oh, what I would give just to let me see the picture clearly. Because everything’s just a blur, a puzzle, I never would find contentment.

I can give up almost easily. But I am addicted to the thrill of taking risks. Testing the waters is an appetizer, submerging is my main course. I’ve always been addicted to this. Withdrawal is just as easy. So why should I give it up if I can manage my own pain?

I submit myself to this process still transparent as ever.

And I am not a total asshole so I assume that other people can only live up to a certain degree of asshole-ness, too. But, what if I’m wrong? But right now, I don’t want to be right just yet.

How long can we keep on fooling ourselves? I imagine and try a little bit harder. The picture is faded, the shadows hide everything.

and stop because you bored yourself completely and you're now ready for sleep. pag gising mo, you're still insane but you've forgotten how praning you've been at 3am.

i'm so tired but i still got plenty of things to do. but i don't want to do them.


russ said...

ano beh yan?! medyo seryoso ung bandang baba ng entry mo ah?! ok lang yan. whatever happens i'll be behind u! :)

abba said...

eh ganyan talaga mga naiisip ko pag di ako makatulog. nothing serious. i forget naman them sa umaga. sabi ni tyrone sa kin kaya di ako makatulog kasi maikli ang araw. nye. haha!