dada played this at home a few days ago. love it!



thanks, yoshee for helping me! love yah!

la dee dah.

squeeze!

there are happy days coming and i can feel them already.

but then , i know i'll be sad at the same time. the visas we've been waiting for arrived and even though we'll be having tons of reunions and parties and night outs with the family, malulungkot din ako. oh, well. mum and dad and my sisters will be leaving in a month siguro. huhuhuhu. kawawa naman ang 27 year old kid.

today, we had a surprise despedida party for my tita mel. she'll be leaving on tuesday with her husband, tito rey, and my cousin phoebe. she is the principal in the school i work in, and she was my principal when i was still studying there. it was a bittersweet moment for the kids and her. as in humagulgol ang mga kids. and super hug sila kay tita. i cried din. but sabi ko di naman yun goodbye. so i said, see you later, instead. bahala na who goes where.

however, this is a nice time in my life inspite of being poor and strange.

funny weird

i feel funny. a nice funny.

hmmm...

i'm not lying, i am flying, i'm not lying, i am flying, i'm sure.

---------------------------------------

you know what annoys me? coincidences. because i have this thing for wanting signs. and you know what? i am vulnerable. but i am so in a la dee da mood.

my little nephews are falling in love. i laugh at it. love. juvenile and silly love. and i always tell them, i wish that they find girls that are intellectualy stimulating. and i take out their hearts and rip them to shreds because i am so unromantic. well, i know, i know, puppy love is sweet and youth should not be wasted on matters of consequence.

and they laugh at me because they have to tease me for being an old maid. hoy, 27 is ot old, noh!

i got hooked to this koreanovela, my lovely sam soon. it's the story of a chubby 29 year old girl who broke her heart but eventually found love again in the arms of a younger and kadooper cute guy. and i go, aja, sam soon, for all the normal-looking smart girls in the world! ahahaha! so now, i'm not too grumpy and i'm sure i have a chance. tee hee. and i am romantic. ask my neighbors.

and they tease me again for obssessing over englishmen and their accent. and i freak out because mr. bean is english. now a nephew sends me messages that go, hahahaahah mr. bean! weheheheh!

well, in any case i get old before finding a guy with a smart accent, i will just have to resort to playing mary poppins to my nephews' future children.

---------------------------------------

but lately, i have this weird churning in my insides. i guess, i'm a kid after all. juvenile and silly.

found this. it's my favorite picture of me, minus the background, salamat sa photoshop!haha! i want to look like this again, virginal,haha, kwela... sabi ko kay ten,i look innocent, sabi nya, nagpapanggap lang ako. hmp! potah, 19kopong-kopong pa to. read: 1900's pa hindi pa umabot ng 2000! weh anu naman!


ipukpok nyo sa bato! goodbye cake and donuts... pero gusto ko pa rin ng prunes, raens!

gotta go paint. mwah! goodnight, world!

i wish that people who love me for my mind show a little more flexibility haha.

pathetic and bored

i answered the stupid questionnaires posted sa bulletin part sa friendster.

tee hee.

*** nang dahil binuksan mo to.
sasagutin mo din
to ng tagalog at walang kasamang ingles na salita.
ayan! simulan mo na. pero basahin mo muna ang
mga yan. ***


makulit ka ba? kung oo, paano? -
~*> oo, mahilig ako mangasar, pero alam ng mga
kaibigan ko na pag nilait ko sila, ibig sabihin,
mahal ko na sila.

ano ang madalas pang asar ng mga
kaibigan mo sayo? -
~*> abnormal daw ako

pikon ka ba? -
~*> hindi.

pang ilan ka sa inyong magkakapatid? -
~*> panganay

ikaw ba ay isang "positive thinker"? -
~*> nye, ingles un. hindi, magulo lang ang utak ko.

ano ang paborito mong numero? -
~*> 18 hehe, anu tagalog nun?

bingi ka ba? -
~*> ha,anu kamo?

saan mo gusto dito o doon? -
~*> kahit saan basta may banyo

ano ang mga paborito mong kulay? -
~*> berde

nakakain ka na ba ng hayop maliban sa
manok at baka? -
~*> oo, marami na silang mga hayop sila!

galit ka ba sa mundo? -
~*> hindi naman mashado, sha siguro galit sa kin

naiinis ka ba sa mga taong kinukwento
ang katapusan ng pelikulang hindi mo pa
napanood?
~*> hindi, kasi sinasaktan ko na sila bago pa nila
masabi

saan ka mahilig sa sapatos o sa damit? -
~*> sa tsinelas

sino mas gusto mo si juan o si pedro? -
~*>si juan kasi di ko kilala so pedro

ang boses mo ba mataas o mababa? -
~*> mataas kasi galing sa bibig,utot un pag sa
baba

nagtatago ka ba ng sama ng loob? -
~*> hindi, mataray ako eh

sumasayaw ka ba? -
~*> hindi, nakaupo lang

magaling ka bang kumanta? -
~*> depende kung sino mga kasama ko

natutulog ka ba ng patay o buhay ang
ilaw? -
~*> patay

mas marami bang naidulot na masama o
mabuti ang friendster saiyo? -
~*> mas maraming masarap haha!

mukha ka bang cartoon character?
~*> hindi.kamukha ko si aiza siguerra,hehe

saan mas masaya sa sun o sa moon?
~*> kala ko ba tagalog lang. koreano yan eh

ano ang gusto mo sa lalake/babae,
mahilig sa sports o sa music? -
~*> gusto ko lalake, ok na ko duin kahit wala
shang hilig sa palakasan o sa musika. bobo ka.

------eto pa---------

1. complete this phrase: "i could be.."
@ stupid.

2. what is the wallpaper on your cellphone?
@ 1g ang phone ko, bawal mangarap

3. did you get enough sleep last night?
@ nope, umaga na eh

4. first thing you thought about this morning when
you woke up?
@ tulog ulet!

5. do u ever wonder why the sky is blue?
@ would you believe that before the great flood, it
was pink?

6. ever tried to skip meals?
@ no, but have you ever tried being bulimic?

7. grilled or fried?
@ grilled. hmmm, kebabs!

8. what makes you unique from others?
@ you tell me.

9. are you afraid of the dark?
@ nope. i love it when it's dark.

10. favorite hangout?
@ in my studio and raens' place

11. people you can't live without?
@ my employers hehe

12. first thing you will buy if given 1 thousand
dollars?
@ i'll pay up my credit card bills

13. favorite song when you're sleepy?
@ panu un? eh di nagising ako? bobo ka!

14. what are you afraid of?
@ growing old alone.

15. are you a giver or taker?
@ giver, ipagtanong tanong nyo pa

16. if you could choose another name for yourself,
what would it be?
@ brooke shields mendoza! ahahahahazim!

17. what is your mom's name?
@ leticia

18. most recent movie that you watched?
@ dvd, monster house

19. invisible for a day, what would you do?
@ panic. i dont wanna lose myself hehhe.

20. stuck on a deserted island & could have only
one kind of food for the rest of your life, what would
it be?
@ alimasag from hell!

21. favorite tv commercial?
@ as of now, hmm...sony bravia's 250,000 balls
commercial

22.if you were dead and your soul was given
another chance, what would you do first?
@ make sure i get born filthy rich. hehe--ako din
peach, promise

23. if you could choose your eye color,what color
would you like to have?
@ i don't really care so long as they're not defective

24. what are the things you always bring?
@ i bring joy.haha!

25. what did you wanna be when you were a kid?
@ saleslady sa national bookstore

26. what do you usually do when the clock turns 6
am?
@ i don't really know, it's too early to tell, haha

27. the color of your bedsheet?
@ sa house, pink, sa studio, madungis eh, i can't
tell na haha

-------------------------------------

wala lang. beats doing nothing. if i were normal, i'd be probably out malling. thank god i'm not. i'm going to apply for a job tomorrow, wish me luck.

dog tales

i took cyrus out today for a short walk. i tried the short leash on him. it was really tiring because i had to use force on him so he wouldn't bite on it. kasi naman, it's pink and purple...i can't help it, i want color! haha!

i gave him a bath first though and it's a tough job kasi he's so playful. he is probably around 50 pounds na, really tiring, i was sweaty agad. i didn't take him all around the village, just a few blocks lang, testing and gauging if i'm still able to control him. thanks to those weight lifting sessions, strong pa din ako, haha! no really, if it weren't for that, i'm sure sugatan na ako. ang bigat when he pulls talaga. but shempre, he knows pa rin who's the head of the pack. his head kasi reaches na my thigh and if he stands on his hind legs, hanggang chest ko na sya. really huge.

there was this one time, i saw the trailer for hidalgo, sabi ko, sana i named him hidalgo na lang. my sister said he's to much of a softy to be called hidalgo. dapat nga boner, kaya lang my sister would kill me i'm sure, haha! he looks like a cyrus naman talaga. i'll post photos soon. he's a fluffy foo foo! he's super sweet and smelly!

haha! nice day for sleeping.

updated my resume. ho humm. nothing better to do. my sister gave me a pedicure. oh and she is in page 14 of the oct 2006 issue of candy. street fashion. it's a small photo but she looks good there. she's really a great dresser, yun nga lang she's a little heavyset na din. so i woke up a little past 12 as i have started writing my story last night and slept around 4 am. watched tv, and until now, still unbathed. ho humm.

i'm still feeling low, but mom made ginatang bilo-bilo. i haven't had that for a long time. there are food kasi na i don't eat unless it's mom's cooking. cheery. will probably go to the studio later to finish up stenciling my baby sister's UN day costume.

talaga no, when you're in gradeschool or preschool, obligado ka sumali sa mga pageantry na super embarrassing pala hindi ka lang aware sa edad mong yon. kasi naman ang parents sadyang mga stage mom and dads talaga pero shempre in denial sila. well, when you get older, talagang swerte ka kung showbiz kang tao at willing ka to make a fool out of yourself. parang ung mga highschool students ko, wala kasing mga kabaklaan sa mga sarili yun kaya they really abhor itong mga spectacles na to. they really hate performing and halos magmakaawa pa kami sa kanila. at ang mga baliw mas marunong pa sa teachers. pag sinabi mo na merong ganito ganito, sasabihin, wag na ma'am, ganito na lang. mga bruha. kaya the theater group prefers the black light theater kasi hindi sila kailangan mag emote at magpakita sa tao.

it's too hot to do anything. potah, ebay is erroring. i'm trying to submit ung thing ko because i'm selling a 25 year old mosaic from italy. ayaw,naiinis ako. leche.

i have a headache. ang tagal ng ulan. please come down and cool us.

i had to delete everything i typed.

i already wrote about how i went to cubao without a car, about the surge of crowds coming and going, of making blythe wait in cubao. of lrt rides and parlor games. of food tripping and starbucks' red cups. of mike and joy coming over last night to listen to the crickets and gaze at the stars. of my days locked in the studio and scrubbing off paint from my hands.

and then i find myself depressed, again, thanks to a text message and a parent. i've been telling myself not to let my emotions get the best of me. that inspite of the events that had recently happened, i told myself, i'm cool. but then as much as i try, other people would hit the switch. and now i'm back where i started.

and to make things worse, i'm going to apply for the same role i had a few months back and i 'm going to make my life miserable again. so that i could save my sanity. so that my self-worth would stay intact and so that i can be away again. it doesn't even have to mean that i am swallowing my pride. it's just that i want to be a bird so that i can fly far far away.

whine, whine, i guess i do love misery and misery loves me, too.

nov 1, 2006, 2am

I’m currently in my studio, and of course I have to curse a little under my breath. My studio is too messy. Sheets of paper are scattered about and the floor is dusty. I haven’t sprayed insecticide in a few weeks and there are tiny moth-like creatures in my tubs of paint. I am not in the mood to be depressed and waiting for paint to dry is certainly entertaining.

Last night I wanted to paint but ended up sleeping beside my laptop. Half of my body on the mattress and half on the floor, I started dreaming but forced myself to wake up because I knew I was in a terrible position and would probably wake up in the morning with paint all over me and all over the floor. I cleared everything up and settled myself in a better place (completely on top of the mattress) but opted to keep the lights on so that it’d hurt my eyes when I wake up and I‘d be forced to get up and not waste my time sleeping. I set the alarm for 3am so I could make myself useful, yet I haven’t thought of anything to paint. I fell asleep around 9 and woke up a little before 10 and decided to resume to lovely sleep with the lights still on.

I woke up at 10 (lazy ako) because the people next door were really noisy. They were listening to this radio station na masakit sa ulo. And my sister called me up and asked me to come to work. I complained a little because it’s my day off but agreed to go. I painted a canvass violet and took a nice bath. Scanned the bathroom and promised myself that I would clean up tomorrow.

Went to see the kids and was asked to go to a student’s birthday party. Bad trip kasi, when I woke up, I swore that I’ll go on a diet already. Of course I had to go, and of course I had to eat. The mommy made carbonara and cordon bleu for the kids and pinaputok na tilapia and steamed sigarilyas, talong, kangkong, and okra with a surprisingly amazing bagoong for the adults. I didn’t have okra of course, it’s on the same list with sinigang eh.

Ate and ran. I was supposed to get a free diamond peel with my cousin but I voted against it. Free nga eh, eh baka naman anu gawin nila sa face ko. Mahal ko pa ang mukha ko noh. Told her that I didn’t want to because they’d be selling her services that she won’t really need. So we went to the mall instead. I paid the last of my cellphone bills (yippee!) and got myself books from booksale. I bought 2 novels, and oddly enough, the covers almost look the same, even the font ha. Haha. The other one has pictures in it. Collector items, vintage lunchboxes. Wala lang.

Chrissele and Jo Anna came over and brought a microwavable container with the staple canned tuna with dinurog na fita. The fita dapat durog daw for the texture. And ate anne donated a can of corned beef. Haha. Chrissele told funny stories about her childhood kakulitan and embarrassing bladder issues. Ang galing nya because kami ni Jo almost don’t remember anything na. At shempre, we had to talk about my love issues. Forget the guy na daw. Oo nga, if it’s that easy, why not. Whatever. Hoy, wala akong issues noh!

Picked up the trash after they left. I checked on the doodles I made for the five small paintings I’m gonna do for my folio. Painted a little, had a shower and continued to write this. There’s scratching inside my weird wall (I’m in the attic eh). Yuk. Probably a cat, or a rat, two of the things I hate the most in this world. Hmp. Oh, and if you hate lizards, keep spraying insecticide. I wasn’t able to paint in 2 weeks and the studio’s been empty. Now, there is a gazillion pooping lizards in my bathroom and in the teeny corridor which can’t actually be called a corridor because it’s more of a stair landing or something like that. Mental note: clean up and spray around and feed the dog.

oh no, oh no, i'm now having second thoughts. what i should really do now, i don't know.

this is so diappointing. so i'll probably get my rubbershoes and walk the dog. and later on retreat to my studio and paint. because i know, the thing that causes me the most problems is also the thing that soothes me. and then i'll read a little.

i just want to do things right. hay. my poor tired old soul.

hay, friday night, ang boring. was supposed to meet up with mike but it seemed impossible, so he ended up driving to tagaytay, and i ended up staying at home. oh, well. i bet later will be more boring.

i saw this commercial for a tv show in gma. they shoot in cafe cristina. ahahaha.

oh, please, someone, take me out!

i want a tattoo...

ikaw na ang magaling

grabe, had so much fun last night. i met up with samio, jez, rachelle, and joy to got to nowel's group show. we met because i have this thing, a project, but i won't be elaborating on it. saka na lang. after eating okey na okoy and sizzling tofu, we went to mike's place. ahaha, ang ganda ng bike ni mike.

i never realized how much i missed jez. he still has his killer lines. sobrang funny nitong tao na to. and underated, too. malupet pa din si jez. i guess i'll be seeing him more from now on.

hay, today, astig talaga ang meralco. they really ruined the holiday. we had no electricity from 10 am to 5 pm. and nawalan ng water around 3, tamang i was going to make tuna burgers(with wasabi mayo!) pa naman. well, i managed naman eh. kaya ok lang. nakakaawa nga the kids kasi we were supposed to watch dvd. they ended up playing monopoly, which was ok din kasi bored games are really entertaining pag bored ka.

grabe, as soon as power came back, nagvideoke kami. chrissele came over and sang a couple of songs. and before she left, dumating si letlet. at nagingay kami sa kalsadahan. kakahiya. hehhehe.

i'm such a weirdo. you know how it is when you really like this person na lahat nilalagyan mo ng meaning para lalong gumulo yung buhay mo kahit wala naman talaga syang gusto syo pero masarap isipin na meron kasi wala kang ibang better things to do? ayun.

guess who i found sa friendster. wahahahah!

la dee dah.

ang hirap when you know what you want to do and it doesn't really work out right but you're still happy wateber. wateber cleber.tee hee.

miss my friends. take me out sometime.

What am I worth?

I wanted not to have any reasons for depression within the 2 weeks since I felt happy. But as I once said, happiness is not for me.

I’ve waited long and hard, and was able to feel it for a few weeks. Well, the very ones who gave it to me were the ones that took it away, too.

Maybe, just maybe, I am not supposed to be doing what I love.

May Your grace be sufficient for me. All I asked before was the strength to let go. Should I now ask for it again?

I have been wanting to blog since Wednesday of last week. A lot has happened and I wanted to write the stories. Yet, somehow, even though I tried, I was unable to write something.

Maybe it’s because of today.

Mothers’ Day of this year, I greeted all my mommy friends. One replied with this – thank you darling! And happy mom’s day to you, too…I know that you take care of so many people just the same. Just don’t forget to take care of yourself…

My nephew, in a conversation yesterday said, “Totoo, tita, good guys finish last.” I didn’t want to agree. Maybe today, though, I’d say, sure. I really didn’t want to make a big fuss about this latest disappointment. But somebody told me that it was really unfair.

Talk about gratitude daw.

And she is right. How do you say “thank you” to the one who stayed, to the one who believed?

Actually, I never believed in the Filipino concept of “utang na loob”. That’s why I don’t want it to bind people with me. But I also believe in not arguing and with making people feel awkward.

This year, I give myself two more chances. If these work out, I will continue. If not, I will say goodbye.

Pero,
Wag mo akong lapitan,
Habang ikaw ay nagpapaalam.
Dahil hindi ko gustong matandaan
Ang yakap mo
Tuwing dadalawin ako
Ng kalungkutan

I’m sorry to those most disappointed. I hope you realize how this hurts me more. I need your silence.

------------------------------------------------------------

i wrote this early today. surprisingly, i am now ok. salamat sa lahat na naniniwala. mahal ko kayo.

------------------------------------------------------------

kaya instead of whining, i went to cafe crisitna with my nephews, zach and kevin. it is a lovely sunnyday today.

ganda ng araw talaga.
gusto ko ng ganito sa bahay ko.

kevin and zach.

had cold coffee and ate a little. also, i'm working on a project kaya okay lang ako.

eto eh.

di daw ako included sa exhibit.

made steamed pla-pla with olive oil and crispy garlic tonight for my tita's birthday party. hala, burned my fingers chopping garlic. bilib pa naman ako sa sarili ko for a long time kasi kala ko koreano ako at hobby ko magbalat at magtadtad ng bawang. had a really nice time with family, especially with my isang katutak na pamangkins. shempre, dami na namang food. lechon, pancit malabon,steamed garlic plapla, vietnamese rolls, and monggo sprouts. simple lang yun, but we had 3 kinds of cake. grabe, help me lord. kahit ano, kahit ang aking tanging yaman, ibibgay ko, pumayat lang ako( beam of light appears, angelic choir music fades in, white screen). hmp, sometimes, i just wanna lock myself in a room para lang lumayo sa pagkain. napaka unhealthy pa ng diet ng mga pinoy. kaya tuloy lagi akong pinapagalitan ni joy. sobrang bad daw kasi ng hobby namin dito. lagi kaming busog.

gotta review for sts. may exam ako tomorrow. i'm sure, though, as soon as i start reading, i'd fall asleep agad. whatever. i'm sure i'll pass the course and i don't have to review.

will be driving to UP and then to the fort to submit my portrait. hay, i still have to psych myself for that long drive around. traffic galore ito. and shempre, mejo uneasy pa ko kasi i haven't renewed my license yet. but secret lang yun ha, kasi everyone here thinks na i did na. bothersome naman talaga eh. basta, promise, i'll do it this month. as soon as i have money na. promise talaga.

kanina, kwentuhan with my cousins, tita, mom, and dad. tapos we started talking about a friend na spinster. well, sa totoo naman talaga, she's weird kasi she eats oatmeal everyday. as in, oatmeal with milk, oatmeal topped with powdered milk na kailangan pantay ang spread, oatmeal mixed with milo, oatmeal with milo topping, oatmel with carrots; oh, i can go on forever. she also fries suman, and requires her neice to eat the same everyday. minsan nga her neice threw up sa dining table eh. ikaw ba naman iforce feed ng oatmeal araw araw, di ka masuka!anyway, she also does calligraphy and dries flowers. sabi ko, so typical sa spinsters yang ganyang hobbies and drying flowers is a metaphor.

sabi ni mommy, baka daw makarma ako. hehe.

nayari pa ko kanina kasi nakabasa daw tita ko and cousin ko ng article tungkol sa mga call center people. madalas daw kasi, tinatamaan ang respiratory system ng kung anu ano dahil sa puyat. at nagkaka mental problems pa. dapat daw inenroll na nila ako sa basement ng medical city.

basta, dahil masaya ako ngayon, bawal ako madepress in two weeks. kasi ganyan ang simula ng pagiging manic depressive. hehe, ayan raens, pwede mo na ko idocument pagnangyari na yun! teehee!

osha, magaaral na ko kunyari.

hay, kay sarap.

holy cow, i am just too damn happy.

saturday, russ and i met up in angono and she gave me my neruda book. salamat russ!
been reading a fine book, survivor, by chuck palahniuk.
got sawdust before i ran out of kibbles.
was able to watch my neighbor totoro and the cat returns yesterday. i love old school anime!
had dinner tonight at cena and dessert at m. salamat, ate winnie!

the exhibit dates had been moved and my parents probably would've gone for hawaii already before the show(which is rescheduled to next year, but still no definite date). felt a little sore but that also means more time.

i feel dandy. i really am happy.

surprise me

http://kevan.org/johari?name=abbaghanda

this you don't have to read.

Chapter 1 : The happiest sad story of my life

Mix gin with soda. Light up a cigarette. Play a movie. That’s what I am left to do. I cry because of love stories someone else wrote. And the sadness lingers but for a few minutes.

If they can write their own stories, I’m sure I can do, too.

The saddest part is when you do it alone. Sure, call a friend to stay with you, but soon they all leave. Leaving. If goodbyes are temporary, there is always the reunion to look forward to. But if goodbye means forever, what is the end of sadness?

My hometown was devastated by the past storm. And the next day, all seemed fine. The sun goes up again and we hang out mattresses to dry in the sun that wasn’t there yesterday. Why is it so different when we say goodbye to those things that were washed away? On the other hand, we also find an opportunity to clean up and let go of the piles of old textbooks, of clothes never worn for the longest time. We give the dogs baths and we go on with our lives.

Then why write about the storm? It gave us pretty a clear warning that we should soon leave this place because of the threat that this will happen again. But why bother, life goes on. It will be another year before the typhoons come again.

Repeat. And we do it all over again. If you are smart, come the rain, we pack up and vacate. Knock on a relative’s door, keep safe for the night. Then go back home the next day to clean up. Besides, our house, our land, well, it will always be ours.

Repeat. Will we ever tire?

What is love? Why is it any different? Same with the rain, the storm, it floods our hearts, our insides, our person. But when it goes away, how do we say goodbye? No, we cannot just clean up the mess and continue with life. No, not for a long time, I’m sure.

People. They take advantage of this thing, love. They take it for granted, no? I am sure.

When we were young, love was all there is. Mom and dad. Pain can easily go away with a kiss from mom, and dad was the only man in our lives. They mean only what is good, what is best for us. Read:Love has different degrees. And every one has his or her own opinion about it. But what else can we do but live with love?

I have read countless books, watched tons of movies. And love is all there is to it. Mix in love with a story about aliens invading the earth, or love with a neurotic movie, and it is sold.

Write. Write our own stories, if you please.

And when we say goodbye to love, we realize that we can’t hang it out to dry. We can’t air out whatever stench it has.

So let’s take a sip of our soda with gin and light up another cigarette.

And let us begin to write our fiction.

She was in her youth when she saw him outside of her window. He gets off his ride everyday, at four in the afternoon. He was oblivious. One day, he saw her, but pretended not to see. She was young, and he felt too mature for her. He was in love with someone, and she was with him. One day, he was left alone by the one he loved. And he noticed her.

She was a girl, he clearly saw that. And nothing else mattered. But everyday, at four, he saw her. But he pretended not to see. And soon their eyes met. And they smiled. She, as young as she was, gathered courage, and slowly began to get near him. And he was pleased. Soon, they were saying their hellos, and it became constant. He went nearer and hellos turned to conversations.

As predicted, they fell in love. But she loved more. And they were happy.

And she died.

That was nice. At least there was closure.

Sip and puff.

All short stories can never be long. It has to end soon.

Too soon.



Chapter 2: What comes after.

We get better. After we find ourselves in the lowest part of whatever it is, we only hope to get better.

I wish that the only task I have is to make mom and dad proud. And this is never ending. Especially when we forever attempt to but still fail.

Turn on the shower. Cold. Wash out all the disappointments. Dry yourself.

And we try to live for ourselves. But it seems that people are more selfish. They expect more. And soon, there are a million of other people wishing and hoping not to be disappointed with you.
A reminder to them: if they are disappointed, of course, you yourself get disappointed with you first. Ah, the complexities of the human brain.

Write our fiction.

After four years of studying hard, she graduates with honors. And at the stands, mom and dad beam with pride. That’s our daughter up there, they say. Applause.

She finds a job on the 31st floor of a shiny new building with marble floors. She dresses up in smart clothes and wear stilettos in the office. She drives her new car to work wearing dressy driving shoes. She buys coffee from Starbucks.

She has people waiting on her. She presses the intercom button and a timid girl answers to her every desire. her coffee is hot and fresh, her requests always answered.

And she discovers that she is unhappy. With her savings, she purchases a nifty powerbook and starts to pound away. She writes fiction, and sad love stories. She quits her job to write. She writes everyday. She hopes to sell books. She hopes to be known. But it is hard.

Her parents are disappointed with her decision and complain. They want her to go back to her high-paying job in an office with a view of the smoggy city. She struggles and argues. She goes home broken and in pain.

As with any stressed out and miserable people do, she goes back to the corporate life to please mom and dad. She works for another year.

She writes her final piece and folds it neatly. She leaves it on the top of her dresser. She is disappointed with herself. She ingests 30 pills that put you to sleep and drinks 3 cups of vodka straight. She fights the urge to throw up and curls on her bed. She died with tears in her eyes but she was ironically peaceful.

Her parents are disappointed. With themselves.


Chapter 3: What we should do.

There are times in our live when we wake up really happy. And there are days when we breeze through it without any dilemmas. How can we make it happen everyday? Of course we don’t.

Is there a way we can find on how to guarantee unending happiness? Find love I guess.

Refer to chapter1.


Chapter 4: Writing your own fiction.

Some people have it easy. They never get caught driving through one-way streets. Neither do they fail Math 1 or the physics class. There are those who find true love and live a faery tale. Theirs are stories that go to the non-fiction section. But what if life doesn’t cooperate with you?

Easy. Write your own story. You don’t even have to make it happen. Just make believe.

My fiction.

After watching Kuya Germs in “Payaso”, I quickly made up my mind not to become a child star or in any other way join the show business. I am definitely not going to bring out the golden susi ng langit and parade it in front of the cameras.

So I decided to sing Broadway. Without any effort, I made it on the stage of a damp hall and sang “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” clad in my really cool 90’s get-up – an ethnic-print skirt with matching vest, grungy black boots, my smart Tan Gan shirt with long sleeves. Eww. But for a few seconds I basked in my personal round of applause. I even tried out for “Evita” but of course, I really wasn’t made for the bright lights and didn’t make it; not even for the pit choir. But I kept on singing, always dressed in the cool 90’s fashion.

Soon, I decided that the stage and show business are connected to each other and looked for another thing to waste my time with. So I got myself a boyfriend and another thing to do. Not that I was doing my boyfriend that time, that goes into another part of my story.

Stop. I do not have a fiction. Mine is fine. I like it this way.

Chapter 5: Non-fiction.

I watched a movie again today. It was a happy love story now.

Right now, I seem to forget about writing any sort of story for myself. Amazingly, I feel better. I feel as though I’ll be all good soon.

And I just have to wait. My story writes itself.

bata, bata, bakit ka mataba?

blah, blah, blah.

hay, i swear, i will not eat carbs anymore. anu ba naman kasi yan. ang aking never ending battle with the bulge ay nasa critical na lugar na. madami na ang nagyaya sa akin mag-box, mag muay thai, mag gym, at kung anu anu pa. si cyrus di ko mailakad, at hay...ang aking trabaho pa ay walang kapagapagasang maging physically challenging. pero wala akong magawa.

pero nakakatawa, kanina nag- emcee ako sa rotary family day. at ewan ko ba, everybody thought na teen-ager pa ko. si daddy pa kept introducing me to the other rotarians' kids na as in wala pang half my age. i guess, sa mata ng mga magulang natin, we'll be forever kids. ok lang, i was allowed to wine hehe.

or maybe, para na naman akong isip bata.

a few days ago, we went to my grand uncle's wake. if it is sa father's side, it means reunion. ang labo kasi. we only get to see family pag may death. weird thing. but i think we will do something about that. anyway, the daughter of the deceased, si tita dottie, my 30 something single aunt, na maganda naman at smart, was there nung nagpunta kami. it was also her birthday nun. we got her a cake sa starbucks. as we were cutting the cake sa pantry sa chapel, she was goin, wow, sosyal, starbucks, buti na lang namantay si papa,oops, sorry papa, joke lang. wow, ang labo ng tita ko. at eto pa, we were seated sa loob nung chapel, and she was like ang cute, my pillow, refering sa akin yan ha. humirit pa kay mommy na, para syang 8 years old noh? napa jimmy santos look nga ako sa kanya eh.

ang labo. para ba talaga akong bata? eh mejo feeling ko naman, mature na ko. hehheehhhe!

kagabi sabi ko ki chrissele, omg! i'm so ready for a boyfriend! natawa na naman sya. kasi nga kanina naman, eh pwede na ko maging spouse ng rotarian na umaattend sa spouses' meetings, pero, bata pa daw ako. hmp. sabagay, before going to the affair, nanood muna ako ng princess mononoke at totoro my neighbor. gusto ko pa nga sana panorin ulit ang howl's moving castle, castle in the clouds, spirited away, at panda, go, panda! laya lang wala ng time.

in our special place, siguro nga, we will always be kids.

at kanina, there was this kid na i wanted to strangle. pumapatol kasi ako sa bata eh.