Wednesday, July 20, 2005

goodness gracious

i got home around 10am today. instead of going to work i decided to watch the first disc of schindler's list. unfortunately, the power died. i ended up reading philip yancey's ' what's so amazing about grace?'. this is the first christian lit that i will be reading this year. i took advantage of the silence since nobody else was home. i decided to read in my mom's room where it's all light and nice.

i was still in the first chapter when i suddenly started crying. it was not whimpering and tears, not the quiet kind of crying. it was slightly violent and whiney and missing my breath kind of cry. i was so down last week but never cried. and there i was, crying my heart out, while reading the passages of the book. i was mumbling, probably praying that all these would end because i'm just too sick of routine and the pressure. i don't know what just happened.

maybe it was the fact that i was alone, maybe the warm bed made me all soft, maybe i finally snapped, or maybe it was the book. grace. that's what i've been looking for all these time. i've thought of the events that happened from since last year. everyone of them i accepted gracefully, graciously. i just think it's about time i get my own share. or should i stop waiting for it, lest i be disappointed again and again.

i've discussed this with a friend earlier, well, i found out we share the same sentiments. anyway, i was just wondering why nothing seems to go my way, or at least show the littlest hint of being favorable to me. i just don't know until when this will go on like this. blythe would tell me sometimes that we're being prepared for bigger things. well, question is, am i not yet ready? i feel so trapped here already, i need the space, i need the bigger thing. am i not strong enough? we always have weaknesses, but generally i know i'm good for anything.


No comments: