secrets

i've been a fan of the postsecret site for some time already. i find it tearing my insides whenever i read a secret that is also true to me. my sister, eten, sent one already, but i have no idea if it already came out. if it does, i hope i'll know that it's from her. she told me to send one already but i couldn't think of any that time. i kept telling people before that my life is an open book, so read me. hehe. i mean, i don't think that i have secrets that my friends don't know about.

a few days ago, my cousin and i started talking about secrets. her secrets, actually. secrets about people she hates and secrets about people who hate her. then there were also secrets that happen only behind closed doors. and so she asked me, what about my secrets? so as of now, everyone knows my preferences, my principles, and my motives. and she again asked me questions that everyone asks me.

salamat kay sydney bristow, i learned how to compartamentalize. and that's it pancit. i am not apathetic.

so what nga is my secret?

i sometimes cry when i watch eat bulaga.

go figure. i can't eh.

ehem. graduate na ko. haha!

bored at lunch

when you're alone at home, you turm to food. haha! my bland lunch. boring pa din!

suicide

so is it a sin?

i have no idea.

so why kill yourslef?

to try to escape problems.

isn't that dumb?

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i plan to OD at 30.

isn't that selfish?

why?

because a lot of people are gonna miss you.

but will they be the ones to suffer my misery? who is selfish now?

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i want to kill myself but i have so many things to do. i have catering on saturday, and i have to drive for my cousin on his recital, and i have to go to the bank.

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it annoys me that people think of suicide whenever they have problems.

exhaust your options before actually thinking of dying.

i will kill myself when i don't have anything else to do so i can literally bore myself to death.

what to do, tell me

i am so going up and down, up and down, left right left right AABB...

i'm a funny girl. i hate it that i am a funny girl.

luke: bakit hindi ka manlalake?
abba: ayoko ng lalake
luke: so gusto mo babae?
abba: non sequitur. it does not follow.

so i get up at 3 am, look inside my tool box. i find no paint at all. so i go back to bed. and think...i want to paint...but the tool box is empty. but i still want to paint. so i stay up till 6 am, staring at the ceiling or the lights that play behind my eyelids.

la dee da. so tired.

i don't get tired of thinking, feeling the need to be creative. but i still have my limitations and they manipulate me. so end of story. gotta move on with the next project.

what project?

goodness me, i need time and space and ideas. time space warp ngayon din!

brutal

i am not one to sacrifice the truth. and if you cannot handle the truth, please do not read on.

so now i have gotten myself into a big mess, again. and it had happened before and so history does repeat itself, although with a few alterations.

lesson number 1.

relationships.

establishing this is a complicated thing. for one cannot be in a meaningful relationship without acceptance and respect. and honesty.

i make it a point to be honest in almost everything. i do keep secrets, mostly to protect myself and most especially, the people who matter. but once exposed, in a heartbeat, i can also admit to these secrets.

lesson number 2.

protection.

in order to protect someone, you should be ready when the situation calls for it. weighing the circumstances is effective and should be taken into consideration. but then again, acting on impulse is justifiable when the situation calls for it.

protecting people can come in many forms. for this lesson plan, i have two illustrations:

• protection from bullies
• protection from self-inflicted destruction

A. if someone you love is being played for as a fool, act immediately on it. do not let others bully them. help them avoid the pain by acting on impulse.

B. if someone is of a questionable character(based on the history of that person), he or she is a threat to one's self. so a real friend would want to help out. by, a) bursting the person's bubble, or b) teaching the person the meaning of the words such as humility, maturity, silence, etc.

lesson number 3.

resistance.

resistance or defensiveness comes in various forms. examples are:

a) inability to look at the eyes of others.

b) inability to hear.

c) inability to think logically.

d) excuses

e) false assumptions, therefore

f) false conclusions.

lesson number 4.

surrender.

giving up does not always mean that you are the loser. giving up is also a making peace with your inner self. because it is hard to talk to a brick wall. and people do not have to explain thmeselves on why they do things. so settle for silence.

this is so subjective, i am writing on what i feel right now. i give up because messages are blocked, and i do not want to waste my energy on negative things. i have worked on being grounded. and brutally honest. and all my friends know me. i have nothing to hide.

i am hurtful, yes, because i talk like this. but i am not a liar. i do not fabricate stories.

you say that we are not worthy of you. but then again, have you ever thought that you are not worthy of us? i feel so sorry that you were raised that way - brats - conceited, narrow minded, overprotected, and spoiled to bits. sickening. you have a lot to learn. so open your eyes, listen carefully, and grow brains.

sorry i had to be the newsbearer, it was the truth, and you don't even have the slightest idea of what went on. i hope you can find quiet within yourself.

and thank you for hoping that i could sleep soundly, because i do have sleeping problems.

i wish you well, too. i hope you grow up. lovely degrees you have there, but then again, they never teach you how to be human in school. they never teach you anything worth knowing. probably, it's just your school.

ha.

happy vday!

oh well, am not much into sulking and of course, i did expect flowers, but instead i got my period and yelled at everyone. haha.

rex sent me the link to this song and it really is lovely. thanks sir rex!

I'M YOURS
Jason Mraz

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
and now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
Nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon its again my turn to win some or learn some

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment maybe sing with me
Ah, la peaceful melodys
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love love

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I'm saying is there ain't no better reason

To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Well no no, well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment come and dance with me
ah, la one big family (2nd time: ah, la happy family)
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love love love

I won't hesitate no more
Oh no more no more no more
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved, I'm sure
Theres no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

No I won't hesitate no more, no more
This cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours, I'm yours

i think i need to do a lot of reading and researching. i don't think my brain is functioning anymore. i used to be a lot smarter. haha.

hopes high

if this happens, it will be really wonderful.

then maybe i can be happy again.

please oh please oh please.

went to the cemetery today. was just gonna pay mum's memorial plan, but since i was there already, i decided to visit papang's grave. one thing i discovered- it feels good to cry in the cemetery because nobody would ask you what the fuck are you crying about.

i cried and i prayed hard. i prayed for survival. what else can i do?

i know what to do really. but when you need to really really live, it is not an option. believe me, it will never be an option. but if i need to swallow my pride, i'll just keep quiet.

i realized that the daytime is a much too complicated place for me. i finally was able to sleep last night, and was able to wake up in th emorning. and i've been feeling weird eversince. i guess daytimes are too noisy and everything is depressing.

putos from the opening

punta kayo. jan 12 - feb 2. Crib coffee g/f paseo hk, san jose, national highway, antips. cocktails sa opening.

it's only but a few days till christmas. i was really hoping that i'll be taking this season lightly. but right now, i'm feeling shitty. really. i bet it will be shittier. i am pretty tired and worn out. i can't face my paperwork, am too drained to do stuff right, i got a million booboos and i keep forgetting things. and whenever i try to sleep, i end up just doing that - trying. counted money and paid bills and by monday, i'll be welcoming christmas eve with no money at all. no nothing. the electricity at home flactuates. the cafe isnt doing well and i have a sore throat. i can't even go out for anything. i have to save up (and how i'm gonnna do that, i have no idea) to get my car fixed. although it is quite fine now, i have to pay off my loaner from my uncle.

my chest hurts and is heavy and nobody's home to help me wash the dishes after i cook up a load. nobody's around to clean after me. gonna be left alone again and nobody even cares for anything that actually matters. and i am hurting like crazy for some stupid reason i can't even explain, too stupid that i should actually be in denial. because there is really nothing there to complain about. i hate it and it pains me that i cant be anyone's hero and i cant talk with realsense anymore. can't tell anyone that i am actually good for something because i really am not good for anything. so why bother reading this when you can actually go look for people way way better than me.

been with a lot of ideas that went zipping by as soon as i started thinking about them, they just evaporated into nothing. nada. zero . and really i keep telling myself, no on will come for you to salvage you from the blues and you'll just be left alon and miserable in the dark. so can't someone put my face under a pillow and end this friggin' nightmare.

and then you say snap out of it. but really i can't but then you can't make me cry. and that's because i probably ran out of tears a long time ago. and when i thought i was already happy, i get to think, hey, who am i thinking, because it is a vague vague world. and there's only nothingness and it's a world in-between reality and major whack jobs. and i just stare out into space. and look ma, take a photo of me, i'm about to stare!

how much can you take? and now, another new year to conquer. shit.

still finding my way.

and so it is. you say that life should be easy for me.

wrong.

it feels so intense. a build up of emotions from my gut and it physically hurts and drains me. i am aware now, but i cannot resist it. i cannot stop myself from wallowing in it.

if i can only find something tangible. something not so vague, something not too abstract. it's like bottling air up, you know it's there but it's damn too empty. i hate the feeling and i'm sure you'll do, too. i try so hard, but i end up empty-handed. i am too sick, too tired. i hate uncertainties, even if they do spice up life, yes? i wish to be bland sometimes.

maybe it's because i've given up on being too idealistic, and i have no more desires to be above mediocre. maybe it's because of my failures. maybe because i am entertaining too many sick sick thoughts. maybe it's because of the longer nights and shorter days. maybe because of the weather. maybe i have too many imaginary friends. and friends who'll marry. or maybe because i want to marry jeff buckley, but it is kind of way beyond impossible right now.

but i try to be rational about a lot of things. although it doesn't really work, still i try. but maybe rationality is not the answer. maybe, back in my days, maybe i was really irrational and spontaneous. and now i'm just pretty mixed up and in a clutter. i am a mess. i don't want responsibilities. i only want to be left alone. my contract will end at 30. i leave all my paintings to my cousin tyrone. haha.

i thought i'd make it this year without going into depression. i spoke too soon.

when you start praying for your heart to stop beating, then you probably know that it's not easy. and maybe we can marry jeff buckley.

clumpy lumpy

i had to cry over my modem. and now, it works!

got hungry so i decided to eat instant pho but still hungry. decided to cook soup. but was too engrossed in searching for something, i forgot that you have to stir the instant soup. so i almost burned the soup but got in time to the stove before it gets crisp. found that my soup has become a clump of some dehydrated rehydrated mass of things unknown.kinda saved it, but it's not at all creamy like it supposed to be( says "cream of mushroom" on the package).

anyway, i was really pmsing a lot today. kaya pala i was feeling a little too low, and was really sleepy today. as in really sleepy. i was in the gym on this machine and my eyes were like closing. how come that doesn't happen here at home? hmft.

gotta paint. i need to get stuff done before the 1st of november. so i got no long weekend after all. i'm excited about this though. haven't had the chance to paint in a long time.

about the entry about weddings...tel and i tried to convince my bestfriend not to splurge on engagement rings. kasi napaka western ng idea na yan. sa pilipinas, pag namanhikan, yun na yun, magdala na lang sha ng baka, kambing, at manok. sabi ko, panotaryo na lang sila ng kasulatan, kasi 50 pesos lang yun sa bayan. o kaya, sabi ni tel, puka shells na lang. sabi din nya, dapat, i-save na lang ang pera, para pag kasal na may emergency money. ayun yun eh. pwede na yun emergency ring! labo ko talaga, kasi excited ako sa mga kasal nila, pero lahat ata ng ideas ko, napaka unromantic. hehe.

i miss my FA friends.

wala lang naman

was talking to a married cousin a few nights ago. why do we enjoy spinsterhood daw. haha, it wasn't actually the question. it was rather something like, why we are actually fine with living with our parents now, me and my cousin, tyrone. we're like 28 and 29 already and we live in our parents' house.still. here are the answers.

a. it is unreasonable to rent.work is near and accessible.
b. they prefer that we can be around to help out.

c. after getting over teenage angst(oh, i wanna get out of the house as soon as i graduate, can't stay with the parents because they don't understand crap), it's actually nice to be with your parents when you're already an adult. kasi you actually understand what they actually mean. and you have peace with it. and you appreciate them. nag- abot na kasi ang mga utak.

there. masarap talaga dumating sa punto na maging mapayapa patungo sa magulang. i thank ours for raising us well, and for training us to actually think. and grow.

everybody's doing it, so why would i?

been searching the net for wedding gowns. not for me, though. i'm gonna be a friend's maid of honor. hehe. siguro the day i get married, it'll also be the day that i die. oh, that didn't come out right. what i meant was, never! i'll forever be a bridesmaid siguro. but in kuya jeje's case, the bestman. hehe, we already agreed on that, i'll be the bestman wearing a gown.haha.

it's a trend na here, getting married. almost all my friends are gonna get hitched na, and i'll be helping a lot in planning. yun lang ang role ko. dati nung debut ang uso, ako ang nauna, trendsetter, haha, but now, i think i'll wait for it na masabing fad lang ito.haha

i asked my mum once dati,"mum, pwede ba mag-anak na lang ako na walang asawa?" sabi nya,"gaga ka talaga". yun din ang sinabi nya sa akin nung binutas ko yung tenga ko nung highschool pa ako. oh well. i think that's kinda out of the question.

came upon this site, http://www.thefrock.com/. hanep, really vintage gowns. like the 1920's, and some from the 1800's. astig, what would it feel like kaya to wear a gown of someone dead for like a million years na. creepy. a gown costs thousands of dollars. siguro kasama yung ghost nung nagsuot nun. ehehhehe...boo!! yoshee, i'll buy you a gown from that site. ahahahah!

if ever i get married, gusto ko may theme. parang costume party. oh kaya, come as you are. o kaya carnival motiff. parang may tsubibo shaka merry-go-round. tapos maraming cotton candy! ay, parang children's party...di pwede...ah s&m na lang ang theme. para leather. tapos ang tokens sa wedding ko, handcuffs for the men, tapos whips for the women.

basta, if i don't get married before i turn 30, i'll marry joe black basta he comes in brad pitt's body. well, maybe someday i'll get married in greece. we'll never now.

ooohh i think iterax works...

putos

photos taken by kitty kat. eto na ang cafe ko.

brick walls

i like dead ends. sabi nga ni bugs bunny, they're polite enough to tell you na you're getting no where. i've been slamming on a lot of brick walls lately. it hurts, though, but i have no choice. kasi nga, there are matters na we can't control. and i just need to be gracious in receiving losses. i hope i find 'em back.

painting a red brick wall. i mean, i am making a painting of a red brick wall. i like dead ends. they tell you that you are getting no where.

my eyelids feel weird. they have a need to rest, but i can't make them. it's all bright outside. there are birds singing. and there are people walking. i can all hear them. i hate mornings. everything seems to be so bigger than life. maybe it's because of restlessness. i hate it when i hear the neighbor sweeping leaves. it anoys me to hear tricycles roaring. i hate mornings.

i wish i slam into that certain brick wall that will hurt me so much that it'll stop me dead on my tracks. i just want to stop now. i feel really tired of pushing myself. oh good heavens, i need to sleep, i need my senses back.

i need to do what i must do.

sleepless na naman ako. maybe i should try tiring myself para i can sleep. tsk tsk. it's 6.15 and wala talagang antok. i want to sleep please...

of heartbreaks and empty pockets

my bestfriend is now single and available. so now little misses out there, he's out for grabs! my wish for jeje my bestfriend is that he find a nice girl who'd actually marry him.

tsk tsk. and he was about to buy the "ring". sayang.

oh heartbreaks. and attached to it, getting really broke. haha. i remember dating this guy, who i met somewhere in space, who was really galeng in making me kilig.after a few "moments" treated me like a girlfriend. i am really shallow, you know, text me a few times and you got me head over feet. haha. went out for a couple of times, got really close, and viola! he was fired from his job while we were dating.one day sweet talked me into giving him a loaner so he could get some stupid accesory for his ps. we went to greenhills, holding hands and being cuddly, and after i got his toy, dropped me at the office and two days after that, never was heard from again. until one day messaged me about getting jiggy. ewww. buti sana kung ang hot nya eh hindi naman. weh!

i have friends as stupid as me naman so i forgave myself. actually they are 7000 times stupider than me. so vindicated na ko. funny di ba, mga stupid stories i get to hear about love and stuff and mga stories told habang umiiyak yung storyteller. got me loads of that. but what the heck. funny, may forwarded message galing sa friend ko saying that a woman needs only one man, the man who can prove to her that not all men are the same. actually, not all men are the same talaga, thay vary from bull to bull. haha. but nevertheless, kahit ideny nyo pa girls, we can't live without then and the bull that comes with them. hehe. sarap kasi maasar.

but i'd rather be brokenhearted sa love love na yan. kesa naman kanina. i was trying to get a slot for the art fair on november and had inquired pa ng august. tapos kanina sabi ba naman sa kin, priority daw yung mga more organized groups and galleries. kainis!nakakapikon talaga. kanina nagmumukmok na naman ako, sabi ni mikkey isang art fair lang daw yan. eh. at maraming galleries worldwide. hala. punta ko zimbabwe. or sa qatar. bakit organized naman daw kami sabi ni sam eh. che.

what can i say, maybe i am just not good enough. ok lang meron naman akong super power.

rewind:

papang passed away around 5 am of sept. 22, 2007. i got the text message from my tita asking me to come to their place. i got there and saw papang lying lifeless on his new bed. he was still warm. he died in his sleep. he looked really peaceful. days before that, he had trouble breathing and was in pain because of his bed sores, but he never complained. tita said he would only cry whenever she had to clean his wounds. but the night before he died, his breathing relaxed and he seemed not to struggle anymore.

i think dying isn't bad as it seems. when you die, it ends pain and misery, the body rests, the spirit lives on. i think death affects the living more. when death comes, the people around become overwhelmed. because death brings change. and change becomes scary when you are not prepared for it. routines change, spaces are created. absence brings emptiness and emptiness brings sadness. and the dead won't feel any of it. but the living will.

being prepared for death means you have to accept it. either ends, you should be ready.

papang passed away september 22, 2007.

bad bad nights

been getting worse. gotta sleep. would usually end up watching movies but i keep choosing the wrong ones, kasi i get excited pa. been singing "return to pooh corner" every night, too. haha! ohhh...i need medical help ata. hehe.

blues

if i were to choose, i'd choose misery over being delusional. i should've stayed miserable. it was better in a lot of ways; i was content already. now i am delusional and miserable. and i am definitely not content. i got me the birthday blues. waking up in a quiet house on your birthday can be frightening as one become sensitive on birthdays. don't get me wrong, i think birthdays aren't really special days (although i get a month to celebrate mine) but mine was kinda sad as there was no mum to make her cheapy birthday breakfast spaghetti and no sisters to yell "happy birthday!" and diss you after a few minutes and no dad to reimburse the gifts i bought for myself the day before. but really, i'm little miss pissy. didn't get what i want as i predicted and got disappointed and then some. oh hohoho!

what the heck, tyrone got me the nicest present this year, "interworld" the children's book by neil gaiman and michael reaves. i want to get a few books kasi and this one was on my list. kaya lang i'm too cheap to actually buy them. haha.

i've been in and out of it these past few days. can feel my forehead getting wrinkley. what can i do now? fly away.

awww...got a phone call from a guy with a sexy voice at midnight, haha. birthdays are so fuzzy. leandro also dropped by the cafe to greet me. and mike had been greeting me a "belated happy birthda!" sinca last week. my girlfriends also are coming over to celebrate with me on wednesday. fuzzy and kinda expensive. especially when you got so many sets of friends. had one party already last saturday night. 4 sets pa ata to go. haha

today i plan to stay in bed till lunch time and sulk. ang tanda ko na. haha. nah, i'm actually kinda ok with aging. i think i have learned a lot and grew up and am happy with the outcome. kissed most of my baggage goodbye and i feel a lot lighter now than before. aging in and out but getting better, too, i guess. thanks to those who shared with me a piece of them.

sleepy, past my bed time.

wala lang naman

1. The next person you'll hold handswith...will it mean anything?- malamang friends lang kami. haha

2. Have you kissed somebody in the last2 weeks?- nope. uhm, beso beso lang eh. friends ko.

3. Who was the last friend you had inyour room?-joy ata

4. Miss someone?- my family

5. How's your ex doing?- he's skinny as always haha

6. Is there someone you want to fight?- nope

7. Do you like someone right now?- shempre

8. Song playing?- sweet surrender, sarah maclachlan

9. What are you doing tomorrow?- waht will you do tomorrow ang taman tanong.tatatmbay anu pa ba

10. Do you know what sodomy is?- of course

11. What's annoying you right now?- wala naman

12. Do you want to go back to highschool?- AYAW KO NA, TAMAD NA KO MAG ARAL NG MATH

13. Have you ever watched a movie drunk?- uhm, wasted nga eh

14. What are you doing tonight?- grocery shopping

15. Who did you ride in a car with last?- marl and bong

16. Are you tired?- yes, of doing nothing

17. Who will you be with today/tomorrow?- si ate chel malamang

18.What kind of socks do you have on?- am not wearing any

19. What color is the shirt you are wearing?- blue and orange

20. What will you do on sunday?- CHURCH

21. Last person to call you?- ate chel!

23. Does your family own any mansions?- ahahahhaha

24. Do you have any interesting bruises or scars?- none, lahat sila boring

25. Where were you at noon today?- home, eating mechado

26. How long does it take you to get ready to go out?- an hour or 2 kasi i keep the tv on and i lose track of the time

27. Have you been outside of the U.S.?- i am!

28. The last text you received on your mobile was from?- mikkey mousey

29. Last show you watched?- eat bulaga walang kakupas kupas

31. Do you wish at 11:11?- bakit?

32. Do you wear any jewelry?- earrings madalas

33. Next vacation you're going on?- cocobeach in a few weeks daw

35. Do you have any piercings?- ears, 2 useful 2 useless. hehe

36. Last person you hugged?- are wini

37. The last time and place you went out to?- i a;ways go out to hang out sa crib hehe

38.What made you angry today?- wala naman.

39. Do you sing in the shower?- yup. i sound good in the shower. haha

40. Has anyone ever sang or playedmusic for you personally?- errr, ewww, wag na nating pag usapan ang kabaduyan ng mga nabuhay sa 90's

41. Do you love anyone?- shemps!

42. Have you ever had sex? When's the last time?- ahahahhahaha. that was so funny.

43. What's your fav. breed of dog?- i'm bias, mahal ko si cyrus

45. Do you find yourself loved?- yep

46. Called anyone a bitch today?- yung aso ko, si kyla. haha

47. Where is the weirdest place you have slept?- i dunno. sa kama ng stranger. hahahah

48. What's the closest blue object toyou- my shirt

49. What is your natural hair color?- blAck

50. What are you excited for?- wala eh. bored ako.

sit still

i can't seem to fit things in their places. god i am so sick. if only people knew, they'd probably won't talk to me anymore. i should get help. can't be still. gotta do what the mind dictates. i hate it. so what now? depression? oh please. as i have predicted, i am in the zone - the looney zone. haha. i am much aware but i can't help it. oh bother.

said yes to friends for a trip to cocobeach on the first week of october. if it will alleviate my disposition, why not. may nudist beach daw dun-yan ba bnaman gamitin pang convince sa akin! eh anu naman.weh.

goin up and down. not good.

SAD and DSPS

uh oh, the months i've been dreading are coming near. it's just so funny that when the days get shorter i also get too pissy and down. maybe it's connected with my time delay. seasonal affective disorder and delayed sleep phase syndrome. haha. i diagnosed me myself. haha.

tralala-lala. in a couple of days i'll be 28. wala pa din akong wish list. i just wish that stupid kitten outside would stop meowing kasi it's already 4:50 in the morning.

ayan, puyat na ko. i can go to sleep na in a little while. ho hum. i want a vacation. a vacation from actually doing nothing. i just want to go somewhere else. i've been thinking of driving to tagaytay alone to visit a friend but i don't wanna waste money naman. i want laser hair removal. yun! haha. or tons and tons of gluthatione. and chupa chups. and my own stairmaster. a year's derma treatments and hair treatments. i want soup and crackers. i also want corn and an apple orchard. i want a huge kitchen and sharp knives. i want to go to japan and learn how to cook authentic japanese food. i want oysters and trips to the beach. i wanna go to camiguin and bohol and i wanna learn how to use a sewing machine. i want to swim with dolphins and i wanna go deep sea fishing. i wanna travel to places with weird alphabets. hehe.

nah. i only want one thing. and that's one thing i will never get.

party in my house on saturday night. tel and carlo will also celebrate their birthdays with me on the 15th. come if you want to, i won't stop you. pica pica and drinks. bring your own baon. haha.

rigid

tough life. haha. still haven't changed my outlook a bit. still cloudy. but nevertheless, i got resources. oh, but i discovered one more source of stress. huge families and conflicts. oh well, can't get rid of them so i might as well just share the love! and stay out of trouble. so i'll just keep my mouth shut and stop complaining.

been out of tune and losing my rhythm. been up till 4 am. this is worse than the usual night shift, but i'm enjoying because i have a new alibi for staying up late.

now it's 4.17 am, the next day.

can't keep my focus still. juggling my rational thoughts with the stupid ones. spent the late afternoon recording sales for the past week and watching edward norton. i am gonna marry him. well, shempre joke lang yan. hay, i'm pretty much bloated because of huge mugs of mint mocha with whipped cream. ah, whipped cream. my worst enemy. i know i should just stop it but eversince i discovered the art of whipping, i can't help but make those lovely rosettes. and they all find their way into my tummy and my arms and my thighs and my cheeks. hahaha! okay okay, i will stop today.di na ko iinom ng cafe mocha. fattening. tubig na lang.

i miss eten sobra.

kept yapping and yapping, told tyrone stories about my life na hindi nya alam. and then i talked some more and complained some more and eventually ran out of sense and got tired of hearing my voice. oh...

i remember interviewing someone, this guy applying at the cafe:

me: tell me something about yourself

dumbo: yung honest?

ahhh, may trabaho ka! naman.

oh, blue lost his hiccups. the problem was with the intake manifold. when we bought blue, isa lang yun, eh nung isang araw, dalawa na sya, ayun. haha, buti na lang mum is here kaya napagawa agad. and now i have a list na of the repairs needed to be done. i think i'll spend something around 40k pa to get him looking and running like new. and if i can make gapang that, i won't sell him. now that's a diffrent story with big. si big kasi is a mazda b2000 na gasolina ang makina at toyota pa. san ka pa.

i am so full of nonsense. oh, and i'll be 28 in a couple of weeks. my wishlist:

wala pala.

not that i have everything i can ever wish for, but i just dont want anything anymore. and if there is one thing that i really really want, i probably won't get. so surprise me.

troubled

last sunday, my grampa was rushed to the hospital. it was his 88th birthday. i wasn't present during lunch because i was stuck in the cafe so i didn't see what happened. anyway, that same day, they found out he had a major heart attack. he was put in the ICU in a nearby hospital and we visited him the same night. i thought i wouldn't but i did cry really hard in the ICU. a cousin told me to stop because crying wasn't allowed there. but i couldn't help myself.

you see,papang was the one who raised me when i was young. almost all the bits and pieces of my childhood memories all include papang. i would always joke that it was papang's fault that i got this big kasi a long time ago, i hated eating, but when i started second grade, papang would let me eat 2 siopaos and soda before we went to school everyday. hehe. hay...i remember learning how to eat maruya and binatog kasi he would buy them for me. and i remember asking him to read funny komiks for me after classes. i remember papang as someone really strong. there was this one time, i think i was about four or five, we were on this old red embc bus going to sta. mesa. we were already in shaw blvd. i think near addition hills kasi the bus took a different route, and the traffic was really bad and it was getting late. we got off the bus and started walking. it was still a long way from our house in manila. papang carried me on his shoulders almost all the way home.

but sunday night was really weird. papang hated going to the hospital. but there he was, looking weak and helpless. and i took his hand and just started crying. i kept telling him that i love him. i can't tell him to get well soon or na magpalakas sya or anything. i didn't say anything comforting, i just kept holding his hand. his grip was still strong, i know he'll fight. i really don't know what will happen nor wish for anything good. i just want him going through all these without experiencing pain. well, papang kasi never complains about anything.

papang knows na mahal ko sya. i have always been able to show papang how much i love him and how much he means to me. i thank God na marami akong chances for that.

mum and eten are coming home. although its under an ugly circustance kaya sila uuwi, i'm happy na makita sila soon.

dami ko dilemmas but i'll be fine. i hope.

now open

finally.

please come in, we're open.

sore

so i drag a foot along, and worked badly with a cane, all because of stupid decisions such as jumping in a pool with less than 3 feet of water. undeniably stupid and absolutely in pain. no bruising or swelling just hard core pain when i try to put my foot flat on the floor. but it won't go away soon i know, i'll give it a week.

i am unhappy. no, not unhappy. lonely. but is there actually any difference? i sift through my thoughts trying to look for something tangible, something solid to hold on to as if i can actually touch happiness but i keep missing the part where i can really grip it in my hands. maybe if i keep on wishing, if i wish really hard, maybe if i write what i want over and over everywhere, maybe they will come true. maybe i can make a faery tale out of this. maybe.

i am out of ideas, i am out of willpower. i am out of everything, of patience, of long suffering. i am beginning routines, i am acting on command. i am boring and ugly and uninteresting and old. i am beginning to hate myself again. i can't think, i can't write. i can't work, i can't find what i want.

aren't we all tired?

still waiting. we need a lot of stuff pa before we can finally open. i think we can make it next week. thursday, probably. i'm jinxing it ata. haha!

i bore myself. i'm paranoid. i might bore you, too.

i am lonely.

i work my ass off all day and i get home to an empty house, and i entertain myself by washing the dishes. i remember the last time i fought this off, i kept on working and working out and tried not to sleep thinking work can really kill me. i don't want to whine and complain about the same things over and over again...i can't do anything about a lot things anyway. hay...

all i can do is wait.

i just want to walk away. everyday, i see imperfections and i just want to stop. i am the source of my discouragement. but i want to keep it to myself because they never seem to understand how this is for me. they don't have the slightest idea how i feel.

i only look forward to one thing and if it comes, i'll say goodbye to all of these.

please, do come.

playing doctor

yesterday and today were marked with a humongous(if it can be measured in 3d)migraine attack. add that to my dizzy spell last saturday, i'd say there is definitely something wrong with me. i have ruled out eye problems as my eyes are kinda ok, no twitching or weird rapid movements or itchiness or anything and the headaches are concentrated only at the right side of my head. my bp is the normal 110/80. and i drink juice a lot so i guess i don't lack sugar.

so i suggest that it can be vertigo. dad and mama tela had vertigo, too. if it can be passed on, well, i got the family heirloom!

or it can be a cancerous tumor growing in my head, the thing can be alive and might be actually doing the thinking for me thus my sick thoughts. hehe. i asked ate wins that if i do have cancer not to send me to the hospital immediately, but rather, papayatin muna ko sa sakit. haha! loka loka daw ako. i know. but sabi ko, ayoko mag pa check at cancer ang diagnosis. kasi baka pag tinanung ko un doctor kung anung treatment, baka isagot sakin: iha, che-chemo. at baka di ko mapigilang isagot ay: bastos ka, doctor ka pa naman, t*** mo din! weehehhehe! ang gross ko!

gusto ko lang ishare. i think may jinx ako sa mga restrooms. i think it's because i'm really maarte. kaya nga, i only like going to shangri-la or greenbelt 3 or 4 because they have clean restrooms. even sa mga resorts, cr agad ang first thing i check. i always carry alcohol and loads of tissue when goin out kasi takot ako maaccident sa bathroom kaya i squirt toilet bowls with alcohol and do major stretching wiping the toilet seat with tissue using my foot. ayoko kaya magka herpes sa public restrooms. ehehheeh.

story 1: so sa sobrang arte ko, i prefer the pay restrooms pa rin kahit sa shangri-la. and i like using the one sa may starbucks. eh one time, i really had to go, eh malayo pa kami ni te wins, she told me to use na un pay restroom na malapit. so we went in, and i did my ritual of alcohol-squirting and peed. aba, un katabi kong cubicle, nag flush at nagoverflow un water and un pants ko were still on my knees! napaupo talaga ako kasi mababasa un feet ko nad my jeans!wah! mejo nahirapan ako isipin kung anung gagawin ko kasi di ba, mejo exposed ako. wah! so, i folded my jeans and tried to stand up para masuot ko un jeans ko habang ate winnie called for help at alam kong tatawa tawa at ngingisi-ngisi sha.hmft. un attendant asked me to open the door.pinapatungtong ba naman ako sa monoblock na stool! hello, matanda na ako at hindi na ko flexible! ang hirap nun ha, kasi nastretch and hamstrings and thighs ko hahahaa kasi after nung stool sa mophead(which, luckily, was dry and clean and new) naman bago ko makatakas sa flood,buti na lang i was wearing un sandals na di magseep through un water. and i did all this while stopping myself from puking.

story 2: kanina, i went to a supplier with ate wins ulit. i asked if i could use the cr dun. so they told me to go through this door and take the 2nd door inside to the left. ayun. there were 2 cubicles so i didn't lock the door. while i was inside the cubicle, someone knocked but i couldnt get out because i wsn't done yet. so after i washed my hands, ayun, i found out i was locked inside. i texted ate wins that i waas stuck and i knocked on the door. buti na lang, may tao dun waiting for me to get out. sa madaling salita, i was stuck sa loob ng mga 10 minutes. shempre di naman ako yun type na nagpapanic kaya cool lang ako. nakakatawa kasi they tried to kick the door in but di nagwork so binaklas nila un doorknob. pagkatanggal nung door knob, di pa rin mabuksan kasi hindi mahugot ung latch. so the boss, the younger one, kicked the door open na. nakakatakot pala un. kala ko kasi parang si jet li, un iikot pa un pinto parang kinung fu. pero hindi naman. so after the door opened, niyakap ko yun guy sabi ko, my hero, and we lived happily ever after.joke lang. sabi nya, this chinese mestizo guy, natupad na un pangarap nya na sumipa ng pintuan, at ako ang tumupad ng pangarap nya sapagka't ako ay isang diwata. tarush. sabi nya bibigyan nya ko ng 10% discount di naman...

malas! ehehehhe. but shempre mas takot pa rin ako magka herpes. hehehe. am going to check myself in sa princeton-plainsboro para madiagnose ako ni gregory house.

itchy

eye think eye have an i problem. naman. i called the american eye center and asked how much ung rates. 70k daw. mikkey said i should sell the car. ahahahah! magbebenta na lang ako ng kape. i swear, sa 16th na.

things to do:

1. finish lay out for:

a. menu board

b. menu

c. etc. (alam ko marami pa yan pero di ko maisip ngayon eh)

2. talk to the signage people

3. look for furniture

4. pick up stocks

5. grocery

6. cook

7. look for uniforms

8. budget

9. try to work out

10. think of more things to do

i hope i can get things done this week. and i hope i can go to the gym. i really need endorphins. its better that way than cutting myself up. haha. as soon as this picks up, i'm going to work out na. balak ko kasing sumali sa search for the white castle girl. ehehe. seriously. hehe. iinum na ko ng fitrum kasi idol ko si juday. weh!

wala ng signs ng mga friends ko na daga. haha, everytime i'd use the bathroom sa gabi, i turn on the lights first and knock hard on the door. ahahaha! oh, one more thing i forgot to get pala, toothpaste. weh. but kanina when i starteed craving for cake, i didn't hesitate to get one delivered here even if i had to spend the last 300 bucks sa wallet ko. kaya pagising ko, i'll go look for an atm to get money habang di nagsasalita kasi di pa ko nagsisipilyo. yan ang tothyal!

i hate me

nakakainis.i annoy myself. i swear. this is one of those days that i feel like crap. parang i feel so stupid and ugly and worthless and man, i'm gonna kill myself! it's 1 am and i am starving. i step on the stapler pa getting off the bed to get something to eat. ouch. hmft.and i open the fridge and i find 2 lemons, shortening,and butter. haha. thank god for hotdogs na malupet and pork and beans. so i forget to buy real food, so what? i remember to buy detergent naman eh. only to find out that i have a lot of detergent pa. and i got racumin. twice na kasi ako hinarass ng rats sa bathroom. i chopped chiken pa and mixed it with the poison. i haven't seen the rodents in two days already. i didn't want to use racumin pa sana kasi tyrone said, di sila mag smell if they die kasi may pang embalm daw. anu un, formalin?oo daw. ayoko kasi masama sabi ng DOH baka mamatay un mga daga.and i bought a light bulb for my room and i can't change the old one kasi i can't reach it. my kitchen smells like puke kasi un trash, hindi nilabas. and i think i can't take care of myself anymore. because i have this thing na i get hooked on the things i do na i don't even want to go to sleep anymore because i want to get everything done kahit alam ko na imposible yun. and i hate it na people sleep pa kasi it's such a waste of time. and i hate it because i go swinging all the way from one mood to another na kasing dali lang ng pagpapalit ng underwear. i hate it kasi i am so unlucky. i hate the flood na dinaanan ko kanina. i am so pissy. been thinking. what if i die before i even get to that part? or just disappear before it happens. one can never know. but one cannot insist. i believe in that. even if it's crap. oh, crap. I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. yeah. oh crap. i hate being pisst, too. and i hate my eyes. i hate being gullible. wag nyo nga ako pinaglololoko.i need a hug. wah. keso."Love is such a strong word. And if you are going to use it, make sure you know what it means. Cause it hurts to hear and know that you don't mean it." it hurts to realize that when all your life you've thought that you are smart and strong, you fall victim to the things you could have said no to the first time. i am guilty of a lot of things. i am really confusing myself because this leads to no where.

ang hemorrhoids. bow. sabi ni jo,RN, pinoys daw, almost lahat, ay susceptible sa hemorrhoids. that's scary. so everytime my butt hurts, i'd think , uh oh...hahahahah!ishcary. i'm really scared sa mga sakit ng katawan. baka kasi cancer na. or baka may thyroid problem ako kasi i feel bloated or baka meron akong parasites na umuubos ng brain cells ko. or dahil kaya i always wake up numb un left hand ko kasi may mga neurological problems ako. wah!

ayan, kakanood ng house.

oh well. just tired i guess.

galit pa din ako. pwede ba.

whatever the clever!

hey hey.

posted a wanted ad. got these messages after posting my number. ehehhe.

-------------------------

msg 1: gud am poh...jst wnt 2 ask 4 d opning of d shp,coz ur searchng 4 d postion of service crew?is it qualify 4 u if im a frsh colege grad?

thing i wanted to reply with : uhm, i got lost somewhere there. r u trying to tell me something? hmmm...it would be easier if i did acttually finish college...oh wait! oh...no...

msg2(same guy):alrght then sir...will i put my pic and wat is it size...

thing i wanted to reply with: i still think u r actually trying to tell me something...

msg3:i wl do apply 4 ur shp...ok sir

thing i wanted to reply with: ohhh...un lang pala eh

-----------------------

msg:gud aftrnun! im *******, one of the applicants of crib, just wntd 2 ask if its necessary required to complete all the requirements or its ok to carry on my resume first. thnx nd hve a great day

me dapat: hindi ka naman redudndant 'no? but sige, carry on

----------------------

msg1:hi poh, im *********. pwd poh b aqng mag aply sain u? may exprience nah poh aqoh!

me dapat: eh anung pake ko? ako din eh!

----------------------

msg:mgt2nong poh zna akoh kng 2mtangap p pog kau ng zervice crew!hrm graduate poh akoh!txtbck poh plz!

me dapat: hanep, nahirapan ako dun ah. teka, barkada tyo?

----------------------

msg:hi madam, gudluk samen, tnx.Poh

me dapat: close tyo??
----------------------

msg:gud eve poh,im ************ dz iz my#.evn f u cal meh,

me dapat: promise, yan ang number mo kahit tumawag ako???

----------------------

ahahahhah...we're opening a cafe soon. malapit na. ayun un eh. sana lang wag ako makarma. ahahahha!!

my crib opens soon. will update you.

boohoohoo

hmft. i really want to sell blue na. i want to get a new car but shempre wishful thinking lang yun. ayaw kasi ni dada na benta sha ng mababa but wala pa kong money for repairs. ok, ok, i won't sell blue na nga. i'll just pray really hard na manalo ako ng bmw sa raffle. hehe.

hay. ang hirap maging mahirap. sa totoo lang, before mum and dad left, i think i even blogged about it, kasi i was supposed to work somewhere. the pay wasn't even that bad, but i think sablay yun company. oh, well, but kasi it is very easy nga naman to look for jobs di ba? naku, eh talaga namang may i reklamo ang mga cousins ko kasi naghanap ako ng trabaho. bakit daw? simple lang, wala kasi akong pera eh. ganyan talaga...ang yabang ko kasi, kala ko matatagalan ko din na pinta pinta lang. at ayun pa pala, mahirap ng malayo sa magulang, wala kang tatakbuhan. kasi kahit wala akong pera, very supportive talaga sila sa aking pagpipinta slash kabaliwan. naisip ko na kasi yun eh, na talagang i know na i hafta do everything alone. tapos may malaki pa akong baby, pucha, dog food pa lang talaga namang kahabag habag na ako. eh sige, major protesting sila. tapos ngayon, oo nga, nagsisimula ng business, ni hindi ako nakakapag pinta... wala rin akong pera. shempre, wala pa akong sinasahod. naranasan ko na to dati, pero shempre, anjan si mummy, di ako nagugutom at hindi ako kaawa awa...

pero ngayon...hay, naiiyak ako, kasi joke ng mga pinsan ko, di ko naman daw kailangan ng pera at pwede naman daw ako makikain kung saan saan. hoy, nakakahiya kaya yun...pero, nagagawa ko na nga yun eh. shit, naiiyak ako...

alam ko naman di ko dapat nirereklamo to kasi kung saan saan nga ako nakakapunta eh. kaya lang, talagang ang hirap na makikita mo na walang kakainin ang anak mo.wah!kawawa naman si cyrus. pera ko na lang 25 pesos pambili ng load. wah! tsk, tapos ang dami ko pang bills...panu na kaya ako. minsan nga nahihiya ako kay mikkey kasi bum ang gelpren nya. gusto ko ng lamunin na ko ng lupa!!!

tama nga, in two months, nakapag set up kami. wala pala sa conditions ko na mag open in those two months. i can't wait anymore. nadidiskurahe na ko. kasi hindi naman talaga ako optimist, nagpapanggap lang.

what now?

new shoes from ten. ang cutie cutie teehee. thanks po.

hey. am bidding goodbye to summer na. am off to work now.

but first, let me share some of the photos i took from zambales.

tama na yan. ok na yan. raens lent me razi's frogeye eh hindi pa napprint kaya good luck. wala naman makita sa ilalim ng dagat, puro tubig at buhangin. hehe. sana pala nag snorkeling kame kaso 2 lang un goggles and snorkles, mejo mahirap un di ba.hmmm. ang liliit ng bangka dun sa pinuntahan namin, parang tricycle lang. pero ayus na rin. mejo madrama kasi kasama ko mga friends ko from the village. at first time namin to ha. hehe. well, i had a nice time. sobra. sayang lang, may partition. may hostilities kasi eh. tsk tsk.

oh well. nakakainis. pag may mga kaibigan kana di marunong makinig. parang walang respeto syo.

muntik na ko pumunta sa baba kahapon. just had the thing to cry and cry and cry. parang walang makausap. para kasing walang makikinig. i texted blythe and she called. sabi kasi ni lemuel, mahirap na madepress ako at nadadagdagan ang tao sa mundo. the last time kasi, nabuo si tamtam. weh. may jitters ata ako. or ganun talaga pag walang pera. ewan ko, was just a little lonely kahapon. tapos dad called pa. nakausap ko din si mum and si ali. ako pa naman, nababaliw pag walang kausap. gusto ko pa naman ng ganun. un daldal ng daldal. pucha, pati telenovela, papatulan ko na. kelangan ko na ata magpatattoo. weheheh.

alam mo un? ung anjan na pero bitin...

kakaloka

it's 2:27 am and am still awake. i've been struggling(totoo yan at hindi ako nagpapakaOA) with photoshop since yesterday. ang bagal kasi ng laptop ko ang sarap ibato. i really need an upgrade! oh well, what i really need is my own personal IT. malay ko ba kung panu mag tweak. hmft. mas mabilis pa mag blog kesa gumawa ng lay out. lindy came over nga(kasi ako na daw last resort nya kasi inindian sha ni janno at di nya alam asan si jeje at wala na shang ibang friends dito sa antips) at sa sobrang bagal ng photoshop , napagusapan na namin ang 8 months nyang lovelife at ang 3 year bout ko with depression plus my 8 month thing din haha. pero wala pa ring improvement ang adobe. leche.

still hafta do tons of work. lay outs, price lists, accounting, meeting with people...hay...at hihirit pa ko mag swimming beach sa thursday. ilusyonada, wala na ngang pera. hehehe. sabagay, yun na lang naman ang kaligayahan ko, ang magpaka sirena sa dagat. tapos, pagbalik, bubulagain na naman ako ng realidad at marerealize ko na naman na sana di na ko nagpunta kasi sayang ang pera! pupunta kami sa potipot islan. niyaya ko nga si tyrone, pero ayaw daw nya dun kasi mabaho ung pangalan, parang bird shit. wakokokokok.

praning na naman sa friday night.

i miss my family. oo nga pala, i had this moment a few days ago, parang madedepress ako. sabi ni mikkey, baka daw it comes with age. hmft. wala lang, parang napaka absent lang ng lahat ng mahal ko. naghahanap kasi ako ng kausap nun, kaya lang wala eh. ay, kawawang bata...i miss mum and dada sobra...it would be so nice if i can hear the familiar voices. kasi naman, it sometimes can get so quiet here na i can hear the voices in my head. haha. no, really.

i'd give up anything to be able to hear...

somebody please get me a big mac.

hi. i'm finally back.

last night, polin called. i think we stayed on the phone for almost an hour. had a lot of catching up and chismis. she told me that her friends from work know me as si abba, ung salbahe. wah! eto daw kasi un winner lines ko:

me: wow, mumai(another ex officemate) ,and ganda ng hair mo, anung ginawa mo?
mumai: nagpa cellophane ako
me: kaya pala mukha kang yema

me: mumai, ang sexy mo talaga shaka ang ganda ganda mo na
mumai: nyek
me:sana wag kita maging kamukha

me(to someone else): wow, ***, ang galing naman, TL(team leader) ka na, di ka pa nga magaling!
TL: alam ko naman na maraming di bilib sa akin eh
me:oo nga...
TL: naman eh...
me: halika nga hug kita...(my chair rolls over her toes)
TL:aray ko...
me: sorry na nga, lika hug kita...ang dami mo naman, di ka kasya sa arms ko...

marami pa daw yan, di ko na kasi maalala. oo na, inaamin ko na, masama talaga ang ugali ko. oh well, alam naman nila na mahal ko sila.

ang saya saya. in a week or two, matatapos na un project ko. still, i dont wanna jinx it. will post photos soon.

byeee, pinapatulog na ko ng asawa ko

coping with emotional eating

so the things that keep me busy are gonna kill me soon. we've been eating a lot, food tests, taste tests, weh. eating with your eyes closed and moaning with chewy caramel brownies in your mouth, that's purdy emotional. haha.

target date: may 15. if things go well, you'll know by then.

because i am inactive and in doubt. i am anxious and empty. there is a weird taste in my mouth. the taste of stale cigarettes and of the minutes being wasted away. i have come to that place where i do not know where i exactly am. it seems that my unfinished fiction is far from the climax, farther from any resolution.

sitting in the middle of the room feels like floating in the middle of the sea. huge waves do not drown me but rather make me feel sick. it's like being churned unendlessly, without any definite direction, without any control. there's salt in my mouth.

and i try to make myself better now after i have decided to write my own fiction. and sometimes i dream that it's true. but being here, right now, i still have questions. and whether this will end soon or not, following my plot still gets me nowhere.

and i do not feel anything. but i wait still.



so' i'll be a barista or something. why not? can't you feel the excitement?

ok. here it goes.

wakokokokokkk. i received the floor plan last night. thanks to carlo flo, i won't have to stress myself sa pag-iisip. 30 days.

click on the thing on the side and listen to jeff buckley's "you and i". hay. napipikon ako. what a waste. he's like a god. nyeh, parang valley girl. but no, really, sayang talaga. he's got the sexiest voice and the most amazing songs. but what the heck. dedbol na sha.

You & I

You and I
Ah, the calm below that poisoned the river wild
You and I
Tears that dry on a rude awakened child
Where you look down
I’ve walked before
Burning holes
With eyes of liquid brown
If we had only known
In a way
We wouldn’t reach this ground
You were my only home
Silver eyes
I want to see you shine
And we will feel the weight
Fall away from us in time
Searching our past for the true
You and I, you and I, you and I
All for you
Where you think you’ll fall
I adore you
Where you shut your soul
I will open for you
If we had only known
In a way
We’d never reach this ground
I'll know
Silver eyes
I can see us shine
I said, we will feel the weight
Fall away from us in time
Searching our past for a true
You and I, you and I, you and I
All for you.

and so, ayan na. pressure. hehe. deadlines to meet. and school just ended. so, do i enroll? nah! wahaha!

oh, well, kung para sa kinabukasan ng mga bata, bakit hindi? ahaha! looking forward to the the coming weeks. will be driving around canvassing for stuff and daydreaming.

it's 3.16 and i am not at all sleepy yet. hayz. mikkey told me to sleep already but i just can't yet. he's traveling back to his place from vacation and he's somewhere now where he can see the ocean and the lights from fishing boats. hay. i wish i were someplace else,too. and not driving. haha. oops, i need to get the car checked. blue has the hiccups again and i'm really scared of taking him to manila. not scared of him dying on me, but i'm just scared of spending for him. weh. i can't even get my car washed. haha. poor little me. wehehehehhe.

found this pala sa friendster ni luke and natawa ako. and the caption says something like "si Spongebob, beggar na". weh! ang sama talaga ni luke, at ang bad ko din for laughing.

kasi naman.

i don't think that i'll be enrolling pala talaga to finish my BFA this summer. uhm,am thinking kasi, tagaytay this april, and zambales, cebu, subic, and laguna sa may. shempre mas masaya magbakasyon kesa mag-aral. parang ang dami kong pang gastos ah, eh magpapaka iskolar lang naman ako. kasi naman, di magiging masaya kapag wala ako. ahahah!

but then again, i need to set me sa workaholic mode ko pala. but i swear, i will not try to kill myself ngayon with stress and activities. haha. anu ba yun. talagang naguguluhan ako. i'm confooosed. anu ba dapat, saya o titulo? ahaha!

osha, promise, matutulog na ko. kaya ko ito.

ok lang ako.promise.

what can i say? i read other people's life stories and i begin to think that i am such a bore. and i am too dumb and numb to actually do something productive with my life. is it my fault that i am actually apathetic about a lot of things including what would actually happen to me the day after tomorrow and the day after that. now that i am definitely out of depression, i get to meet different sorts of issues. and i tend to panic now.

i can't write about anything really because i don't have a life.

but i do, i do want to.

well, school is finally over. after later's commencement exercises, i'll be definitely busy with something else. and i think this is rather life-changing. yup. i'm gonna get married.

joke lang.

wish ko lang though, within this lifetime. ahahha. joke lang ulit yun. there is something else. still not yet ready to talk about it. but i'm sure it'll be pretty interesting. and i'll have something to blog about in the coming weeks. but sa akin muna yun. nakakapikon kasi to write about plans tapos di naman natutuloy. eh ayoko naman magpakaprofound at sumulat ng mga bagay na parang nagpapanggap ako na matalino ako. at baduy na din i-over analyze ang life at ang mga emotions na napaka-subjective naman talaga sa tootoong buhay lang, mind you.

at hindi ko rin naman balak ipag landakan ang mga bagay na nagaganap ngayon sa sarili kong mundo. mahirap talaga ang mga schizoprenic na may catatonic excitement. hehe. pero talgang magulo pa din ang utak ko. minsan naman, tumitigil sya ng kusa. kelangan lang basain ang tuhod mo habang nakatingin ka sa ilaw na parang i-eebak mo ang sense, hehe, kung ganun lang kadali siguro lagi na lang akong nasa banyo. pero ganunpaman, masaya ang buhay ko ngayon.

kahit maraming nangyayaring kamalasan. kasi balanse pa din. sa bawat bad trip na nangyayari, may kapalit naman agad. katulad nga ni blythe, kung sa lahat ng katarantaduhan nyang ginagawa ay napakabilis ng karma, katulad ng pag baliktad sa upuan at kung anu anu pang kakatwang kamalasan, sa akin naman, sa lahat ng bagay ng mejo nagpapaka pissy sa kin, mabilis din naman ako salubungin ng swerte. hindi lang ata talaga ako suswertehen sa pera sa kasalukuyan. pero dahil meron akong malaking lucky charm na antukin, ayus pa rin naman.

meron din pala akong mga hinanakit, well, hindi naman talaga masakit, hindi ko lang alam kung paano icacategorize yun. nakakainis kasi, hindi ko alam kung bakit ba kasi ang daming tao na nakapaligid sa kin na ang gugulo ng utak.

katulad ni ***. kung tutuusin, kung maari lang, eh gusto ko nga sya kasama araw-araw, kahit crush pa sha ng dati kong crush, at naglalandian sila sa harap ko, ayus lang. pero bigla naman nawala ang koneksyon dahil may isang araw na minalas malas kaming pareho, ako dahil hindi ko afford ang umalis ng antipolo at hindi ako makasaklolo sa kanya, at sha, dahil sa katangahan( sorry pero eto ang tingin ko) sa lalake. hindi ko kasi na kayang sabayan ang mga kaibigan ko, alam ko din dahil talgang pinili ko ang lifestyle na ito, pero sana naman ay naintindihan nya na talagang madalas na hindi ko kaya, lalo na ng bulsa ko, ang mga impulsive na desisyon katulad ng pag luwas sa kabihasnan ng walang pera pampagasolina. at duon nagtatapos ang pagiging magkaibigan. siguro madalas nga na sya ang nagiging present physically sa mga panahon ng delubyo pero alam na namin dapat un simula ng mga bata pa kami, eh ganun naman talga ang storya ng buhay namin.

kaya nga minsan ng dumaan ako malapit sa area at alam ko na may oras pa ko para magmaganda, ako na mismo ang nagpigil sa sarili ko na kontakin sha dahil sya na ang umayaw sa akin.

pero hindi ko rin ngayon masabi kung gusto ko pa sha maging kaibigan. dahil oo, nasaktan ako sa mga sinabi nya.

at ang isa pa, etong kaibigan ko na nasa paligid lang. sana wag nya sagarin ang pasensha ko dahil madunong din ako magalit. un totoong galit ha. kasi marunong ako makisama pero sana naiisip rin nila na kelangan din ako pakisamahan.

hindi naman ako galit. hindi talaga. hindi ako galit sa mundo. mejo nagtatampo lang.

the people in my bed

hidalgo with his charlie brown doll. the doll came from jani.

Nana RG, my 50+ year old rag doll. i unearthed her in bicol.

not my day

woke up earlier than usual. been thinking a lot about expenses since last night. i really feel pissy about why mum asked the laundry woman to stay when she asks for 2.8k a month until now na ako na lang ang pinaglalaba nya. and i have to shell out that much from my own salary na hindi man lang talaga halos dumadaan ng kamay ko. and mejo pissy na ko about dad's business deals pa kasi talagang walang collection.

and today, the bank called to ask na i deposit money para di mabalik yun check ni dad, right after i'm pretty much wiped out because of boracay and the laundrywoman came because she needed money. i had nothing on me kanina, not even a hundred bucks. i had to ask tita jo for my money just to deposit something. and i broke down after this happened:

yehey! drove my car sa langka tree while trying to avoid a bamboo fence na natumba. hanep.

i just love it.

hala

so okay i am full of blah thoughts. i miss my mum and dad and ten and ali terribly. and i can't help staring at the ceiling again and thinking hard that i'm gonna get brain soup going out of my ears. and why the hell am i still up at this time of the day?! oh. it's already saturday. and saturdays are usually boring so i hope i get to do productive things later aside from growing facial hair and gaining weight.

i miss my friends. boo hoo.

hay, naiinis pala ako kasi instead of dieting, ang dami kong lakad na all i did was eat. sa two weeks na lumipas, eto un mga kinainan ko:

sugi dinner with ate wins, ang menu ay:

the large zaru soba with 3 enormous ebi tempura and a huge parsley tempura

the big serving ng california rolls

spider roll(maki with soft shell crab)

tuna sashimi

tamago sushi

and right after that, dessert na with tyrone at M:

lemon brazo

creme brulee (the basil, ginger, and chili trio, huwaw)

dinner at grilla with ty's family:

kare kare

the barbeque platter

saisaki dinner with relatives:

crab stick and ebi tempura

cuttlefish tempura

something na cheesy seafood dish

a hot tripe dish

sukiyaki

salmon sushi

tamago sushi

grilled cuttlefish

gyoza

ice cream

mong kok snack with ate anne and the two girls:

tendon brisket noodle soup

lobster rolls

shrimp dumplings

siomai

and take out na muhlach ensaymada and concorde from goodies n sweets

duo sa serendra, dinner treat ni ate winnie:

tessie tomas salad

a basketful of bread and salsa

lapu lapu with risotto

and after a few minutes, a chocoglazed donut sa krispy kreme

green tomato, lunch with family:

prawn risotto with huge pork chops

peppermint tea

mozarella toast

and a few hours after that, half a banoffee and a grande iced macchiatto

superbowl dinner with tita tess:

dimsum platter

sotanghon with chicken

thank goodness walang nag birthday pa na kamag-anak ko sa lagay na yan. at wala pa yun mga home-cooked meals jan, which includes a lot of pasta and shrimp. and my cheese sticks. oh, how i hate eating.

p.s.

i saw imelda marcos pala sa serendra wearing a black terno. wow. nastar struck kami.

nagmamadaling pagkakaparanoid

hay.

it's really late, almost midnight. and i just finished baking cheese sticks. been craving for it for a few days already. hehe. and i just had four sticks. tsk tsk.

hmm...konting tiis na lang and the school year will be over. but i'm dreading the summer din kasi i have to enroll. etong 3 units na to is killing me. i really am not happy with the idea of spanish 11. bad talaga. kasi naman, si ma'am nora won't let me plead for substitution. kasi naman, i have 4 extra foreign language classes na pwede na nga isubstitute eh. bigyan ka ba naman ng options na either maging foreigner ka or get married sa foreigner. huwaw. ayoko talaga! ayako!!! i hate school. i hate languages. i can't even learn a dialect. hmft. ayus naman kasi eh noh, if i do the RGEP, magdadagdag pa ko ng units to take. hay. tapos magbabayad ka para ibagsak ka ng prof na ayaw unawain na sukang suka ka na sa unibersidad. eh kasi naman kasalanan ko ba na magka chronic gastroentiritis due to stress tuwing may spanish 11 class ako last sem. hmft. pucha, tutubuan na ko ng ugat nyan.

kaya eto na lang ang naiisip kong paraan. kumuha na integrated na span 10 and 11. wah. 6 units pa un. eh buti sana kung may magbibigay ng donashon alan-alang sa ikatataguyod ng edukasyon sa buhay ko( anu daw?whatever) para lang para lang talaga mabawasan ang kahihiyan ko sa pag sasabi ng "hola" at chukchak"tiene" sa classroom pag may recitation, kelangan na simulan ko sa basics. ulit. tapos pagtatawanan ng mga kaklase kong hambog ang student number ko, tulad nung dalawang ugok sa college of science na tatawa tawa habang tinitingnan un grades sa sts at tinuturo un student number ko. eh nasa likod nila ako. muntik ko na nga sila pag-untugin. buti na lang napigilan ang sarili ko. kaya sinumpa ko na lang na tatagal sila ng 8 years sa UP at aabutin sila ng isang katutak na pag-aabot sa MRR at kelangan nila gumawa ng maraming letters ng pakikiusap sa kung sino man ung lagi kong ginagawan ng love letter tuwing enrollment period.

eh kasalanan ko ba na naging masaya ako sa kolehiyo ko at pinili ko na tagalan ang pag-aaral. sana nagdoctor na lang ako. eh di sana ok lang kahit nag-aaral pa ko.ahahha. minsan nga naiisip ko, sana ginawa na lang akong battery para hindi sayang un energy ko.

malapit na ako pumunta sa boracay. hindi naman talaga ako naeexcite. sino ba naman ang maeexcite eh hindi naman ako makakapag tupis. ehehhe. kanina sabi ko sa pamangkin ko, si zach, isasama ko sha. sabi ko tingnan nya kung bagay sa kin un bikini na binili ko. ang bastos, kinilabutan at kinilig ba naman. sabi nya lang. eww, ayaw, tita, ayaw. walang galang. ahahhaha! anu gago? matagal ko ng sinasabi sa sarili ko na dapat may dignidad pa din ako. ahahahha. aru aru. kaya mag jojogging pants ako sa ocean.

weh. i love it. i missed my praning moments. ehehehhe.

good night world!

tee hee!

meet hidalgo...

both mikkey and i were surprised that his package came today. haha. he sent me two lovely sarongs and a cute little teddy which has a lop-sided face due to being stuck inside a spongebob paper bag and had to endure travel. he smells like my baby. ang cute cute nya sa totoong buhay.

thank you, hunnybunnypiggeywiggey. mwah.

been pretty busy, mostly because i'm stressing myself out sa school, when i actually don't really go to work. and when i do, i just pretend to work. haha. well, i guess i just think too much. but i'm pretty much happy kahit na walang pambayad ng bills. i'm cool.

i just hope un raket ko would pay well.

and so now i realize

i shouldn't be too whiney because

i definitely have no right to go pmsing

because

baog ako at pangarap lang ang magkaperiod. wahahah.

and that my fears are all imaginary.

dahil

i have an imaginary bank account. ahahahah.

and i have the weirdest imagination ever. hahahah.

as i always say,

every emotion is just a state of mind.

and i am very creative.

guess what i am thinking about?



that is so weird.

and now i have an idea.

pwedeng utuin, paglaruan, asarin, paasahin. pero bawal ang pikon.

kasi ang mabait, minsan kapatid ng tanga.

take everything gracefully.

ang pikon, talo.

praning all over again

and so i cannot sleep.

no more coffee for me after dinner. oh, how i dread these long silent moments when i think of countless things and realize too many.

i really am not liking myself too much, especially when i throw tantrums and annoy mikkey at night. i hate it when i catch myself staring in space. i hate it when i start thinking deeply and shut up while having conversations. i hate it that i can't sleep and nobody knows. i hate my insecurities and my dilemmas because i drag people into suffering with me. i detest waiting for something i know is coming but keeps on getting delayed. i hate being responsible for things i am clueless of.

i am not having too much fun now.

and sometimes, i get to think that i'm still that sorry sick little bitch i always am. i hate these sleepless nights. i hate crying over nothing and i hate how the ceiling looks.

and its gonna take a few weeks more before i get over this, i swear. in the meantime, let's play cool.

i'm whiney tonight. haha.

cold cold feet

so i stop for a while and think hard.

don't you want it?

yeah, i do.

i mean, really, really want it?

maybe.

why just that?

i've grown up.

and so how are we today? oh, i've been busy, tired, lonely, and quiet. just tonight my feet started hurting. i got cold feet. i don't really like myself too much today. i have been spreading myself too thin, exhausting my energy.

i'm in my drama queen mode tonight. do i need to be?

i'll just see gregory house now.