everybody here wants you

sam played this on the way home from tagaytay and it got stuck in my head. pang romansa daw yan, according to sam, hehe.




Twenty-nine pearls in your kiss
A singing smile
Coffee smell and lilac skin
Your flame in me
Twenty-nine pearls in your kiss
A singing smile
Coffee smell and lilac skin
Your flame in me
I'm only here for this moment
I know everybody here wants you
I know everybody here thinks he needs you
I'll be waiting right here just to show you
How our love will blow it all away
Hmm, such a thing of wonder in this crowd
I'm a stranger in this town
You're free with me
And our eyes locked in downcast love
I sit here proud
Even now you're undressed in your dreams with me
Oh, I'm only here for this moment
I know everybody here wants you
I know everybody here thinks he needs you
I'll be waiting right here just to show you
How our love will blow it all away
I know the tears we cried
Have dried on yesterday
The sea of fools has parted for us
There's nothing in our way
My love
Don't you see, don't you see'
You're just the torch to put the flame to all our guilt and shame
And I'll rise like an ember in your name
I know i,
I know i
I know everybody here wants you
I know everybody here thinks he needs you
I'll be waiting right here just to show you
Oh let me show you
That love can rise, rise just like embers
Love can taste like the wine of the ages, oh babe,
And I know they all looks so good from a distance
But I tell you I'm the one
I know everybody here, well, thinks he needs you
Think he needs you
And I'll be waiting right here just to show you.

---------------------


yesterday.

while driving off to work, i saw this kid, a toddler, maybe around 2, walking in the middle of the road. barefoot. i was just a few meters away from our house. i parked and got out off the car. nilapitan ko ung kid, and asked where he lives, and where's his mum. shempre di sha sagot. tapos from afar, malapit sa house namin, ayun, maid ata nila. i didn't leave the kid until nakalapit na ung maid, and told the kid off. sabi kanina pa daw hinahanap ng mum nya. i told her to pick the kid up kasi he might hurt himself. mnagcomplain pa ung maid na masakit daw sa likod kasi mabigat kaya pinalakad na lang. dami pa sinabi. pag-untugin ko kaya kayo ng nanay nyan. poor kid. if i were him, i'd get a new mum.

------------------------

paintball!!!

i'm in love!

i want these for christmas...

I now remember my story.

Yesterday, I went to my cousin the dentist to get an incisor filled. A crack came out and the enamel started to chip off, too. Yah, kumain ka ba naman ng staple wire eh, noh?

ganda na ng teeth ko ulit. whee!

Anyway, hindi yan ang kwento ko.

After my visit to the dentist, I went to our friendly neighborhood carinderia where mum, tita jo, ali, and my cousin joey were eating barbeque. I was supposed to get barbeque only (no carbs, please), but tita jo was eating this sizzling slice of beef and rice and said that it was good. Oh well. After waiting while nibbling on carcinogens, my food came. I had to wrestle and partly lost to that tough motherf*&@#!. Wow, that one really put up a fight ha. And it tasted blah.

And I had to complain that it wasn’t worth my 90 bucks. Hehe, 90 na nga lang for a tbone thing, nagcomplain pa. and it burned my tongue pa. ayun sabi ni tita jo, kaya naman pala I didn’t enjoy it kasi di ko nalasahan

But, di pa rin yan ang story ko.

Haha.

Eto na, a long time ago, when megamall was still the hip place to be, me being the coffeeholic that I am, would go to Coffee California everytime we went malling. Unfortunately, there was this one time when we really need to go home, but I really wanted coffee. I ordered a cappuccino to go, topped with towering whipped cream and chocolate syrup. Mum wanted to share the cup. So, we started on our way back to the car. And while walking, I was trying to sip the cream. Eh may sumamang kape. Potek, boiling hot. As in lumuwa ata eyeballs ko! Eh isip naman ako kung ibabalik ko sa cup ung kape eh sabi ni mum hati daw kami…dilemma…ayun, I swallowed the friggin’ mouthful. Three days masakit ung throat ko. Haha. Siguro my mouth was all white nun, kasi seared ung gums ko. Weh!

Story ko walang kwenta. Hahah. Pero natawa ka naman. Hmp.


I don’t feel well.

Oh, no…

I’m starting to go down again.

Poof. I’m back in my reality.

I don’t wanna be sad again.

oh, kids, beeehave!

mum: sino ang president ng pilipinas?

ali: si manny pacquio!

ayuz.

---------------------------------------

toxic.

i gave out detention slips last thursday and now am suffering from it. haha. i have to stay in school too after classes for this.

mikkeli and i have decided to become parenting experts. haha! we've been talking a lot about kids and how they are. so pwede na kami mag hold ng talks. practical parenting. haha! funny this mom who came over sa school, well, she's a single mum. and she way over reacts about everything. she even questions the school's credibility and methods. she said her son kasi is bullied by the older kids. duh, ung kid kaya nya ang bully. the kid kasi is quick-tempered. panu ba naman, he's not even allowed to express anger, tapos bawal sya magcomplain about everything at home. super repressed yun kaya ibang-iba sya sa school. nagmamanifest lahat ng bad attitude nya pag wala mum nya. and the mum accuses pa the older boys na dun na pick up ng anak nya yun.

well, pwede ba, all my grade 6 and highschools students, even the boys ha, are very nice kids and they behave very well noh. it's only now na may instances ng bullying sa school.

she thinks na we should change a lot of things sa school. i told her na we are actually working on it. and hindi na nya kelangan makialam(sa isip ko lang yan eheheheh). sabi ko kay hunny, eh anu sha, vice president ng pilipinas para baguhin namin ang school para sa anak nya? hunny replied na, bka sya vp ng pinas kc c manny ang pres. hehehe!

un na nga, some parents kasi try to bend and break their kids for their own sakes. parang dapat laging good kid para di sasakit ulo nila kaya they control their kids by the neck. what they don't realize eh that it affects the kids psychologically and it stuns their maturity. nagiging poor ang judgement ng kids and eventually pa nawawalan ng character and individuality resulting to poor self-esteem. and so on and so forth. blah blah.

weh anu naman. anak ko ba sha?! ahahha, bad teacher. i just hope na i'll be a good mum if ever i'll have kids. goodluck sa ovaries ko.

speaking of ovaries, kamusta na kaya sila? haha. promise, i'm gonna see my ob gyne na.

oh well.

------------------------------

sabi ni ten ang tanga ko daw.

me: ten anu day ang december 1?

ten: friday

me: eh ang december 2?

huhuhu. i was just asking eh.

-----------------------------

i saw happy feet yesterday. whee, ramon and lovelace!

and i had a foot treatment kahapon. sarap. nice feet. kaya happy din sila.

-----------------------------

i know madami pa ko kwento but i forgot.

haha.

i just have this funny feeling that things aren't gonna be the same again. and i don't like it.

palakpakan!

long day for me yesterday. i woke up a little too early because of a bad dream, but really, a sweet sms had a great deal of good timing and prevented me from staying too long from dreamworld. anyway, i painted a little more despite the fact that i knew that i had to be preparing for my tagaytay trip.

so i had to rush stuff pa and completely forgot to eat here at home. drove to marikina to pick up samio. then drove off to qc for jez and nowel. the truck's AC was faltering and by the time we reached diliman, i was dizzy beacuse of the heat and hunger.

ayun. being with jez is really a riot. wala ng tatalo pa. basta may masabi talaga di na nag-iisip. i'm sure you'll like jez when you meet him.

drove off to makati after a quick lunch of rice burgers and jez' spam sandwiches haha.

sam's client had installed the painting he bought on his red accent wall. wow. had a giant glass of juice, ay royal pala, and after sam signed the paintings, we were off. oh, but we had to convince sam pa to come with us na lang to tagaytay since uuwi naman din kami.

pagsampa pa lang ng skyway, si jez and nowel became hyperactive.

jez: pzhhhht! ayuz! ikaw ng magaling skyway!
nowel: palakpakan! (claps loudly) woohoo!
jez: yeah, ang init! whoo! mahal to! mahal to! (referring to the toll fee)
nowel: sana mabuksan ko bintana ko!
jez: airplane! palakpakan! sana may marijuana!!
(claps loudly ulit)

and it went on. and on. until we reached tagaytay.

my client, john miller was waiting for us sa sidewalk sa tagaytay, haha. he jumped on the back of the truck and told me to drive down this curvy na road. his place is like 3 to 4 minutes away the 7-11 where we met up. he looked younger nga than when i first saw him sa makati. his place was really nice, mejo modern and maraming paintings talaga. he offered beer and we toured us around the house. sa roof top, you can see taal lake, but the volcano is partly hidden by a hill. it started getting colder and colder. john brought out appetizers and malupet, a plateful of tubes of acrylic paint. he set up a huge canvas. we collaborated on an abstract piece. funny, talagang mahirap magwork together ng walang plano kasi hiwahiwalay kami ng trip.

grabe, funny si nowel kasi walang baong inggles. para ngang bigla syang nawala eh.ahahahah! and si jez was really scared of john's shar pei, sparky. eh he's the nicest and gentlest dog ata na i've ever met. he's quite smelly lang and was shedding skin because of a anti-flea shampoo john used on him.

it was a fun day. lalo na when he paid me. hahahah!

i got home around 12, tired and sore.

at ngayon, wala na akong pera. but i got paint and a sack of dogfood.

i got home around 12, tired and sore.

sayang, russ. haha. i'm sure you would've enjoyed the trip. lalo na yung dinner. haha.

asia and europe. i like that.

--------------------------

i want cake, too, hunny. and a shampoo!

--------------------------

palakpakan!

i heart you world!

so this is how it feels...

last saturday, november 18th, we dragged ourselves off our respective beds to drive to makati and painstakingly set up our 6 meters of wall space. the museum foundation of the philippines held another art fair, Art in the Park, in velasquez park in salcedo village, makati.

the day was bright and beautiful, and starbucks came flowing in. yoshee, my nephew vaughn, jez and nowel were there for the day. ali and russ came( salamat sa starbucks), too. had a wonderful day taking pictures and goofing around. grabe, with nowel and jez around, di ka titigil kakatawa. until nowel farted. haha!

potah, late na. wala pa kaming benta. nakakainsecure. but turned out na mas way cool beacuse, madaming interested. we did sell a few.

and i will be driving to tagaytay to deliver all of my five pieces.


so i found my lucky charm. and i am really just too happy. but it's not for everyone so i'll just be keeping it in a little box and hiding it in my pocket...

i'm still having sleepless nights, but this time, i'm not whining...

------------------------

oh, and hindi na ako ang grammar police pala, haha!

------------------------

i love this song.

Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
Still a little hard to say what's going on

Still a little bit of your ghost your witness
Still a little BIT of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer EACH DAY
Still I can't SAY what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer TO ME
So close that I can't see what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage!
Teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't WANNA scare her (him to dapat, haha!)
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know

cannonball
by damien rice

----------------------

i heart you!

i've never been this high in two years.

SAD

flashback: mid-november last year, i trashed at people and was finally able to face my issues with anger. ground-breaking yun.

and now, i think i have Seasonal Affective Disorder. kasi this is the same thing that i felt last year.

but sabi naman sa akin ni ate anne at ni blythe, wag daw ako mag-alala kasi alam ko daw na may nangyayari sa utak ko so i therefore conclude, hindi pa ko baliw. weehhhehehe. sama kayo sa basement ng med city? =)

i have been blog hopping to kill boredom. mostly teen-age girls. i realized na i have grown much older alone. i'm almost angst-free pala. galing.

gotta go!

pretentious

ako, kahapon, masaya naman eh. pero bigla na lang bumalik ung twitch ko. parang naiiyak ako. my face pulls into this frown na, i really don't know. i have stupid fantasies and i have realistic dreams but wala pa rin.

anyhow, i want to announce that may Art in the Park on saturday, nov. 18, 2006. sa Velasquez park sa salcedo. it's a fund raiser yata ng museum foundation of the phils, (ayoko maghanap ng link), but parang ganun na nga. andun na ko ng super aga so mga 10 siguro wala na ko kasi natunaw na ko. sa init at sa araw. kasama ko sa booth, ewan ko lang kung dadating sila, pero sana kasi kawawa naman ako at si yoshee, sina samio my love, jezreel anak, at ang simpleng pintor na si eman. ewan ko lang kay makol. wish us luck guys. madami kaming kasamang mga galleries at mga NGOs. epal lang kami.

nakakapikon minsan pero masaya pa din. nakakabato pero nakaaliw. nakakasuya pero masarap pa rin.

sa dinami-dami ng dinaramdam ko, ayus pa din. bakit kaya.

siguro kasi.

do you actually think that it is possible? perhaps. but maybe, perhaps not.

pero i'm happy, too. you.

smsd

grace started sending messages to see if we have power at home. it was almost lunch and she got worried about her babies because they won't get to watch wowowee. i went, how jologs. that is unacceptable and will not tolerate kajologan sa mga pamangkin ko. and she went, they do this boom tarat thing and they're cute. i go, what?

msg 1: hopscotch pala english ng piko. tingnan mo, may natutunan din kme sa wowowee.

me: how exciting. magbasa ka kaya. mas madami ka m222nan, hehe.

msg 2: kahit nman ilang YES magazine ko, dko ma encounter hopscotch noh, hehe

me: hoy hindi educational ang yes magazine

msg 3: alam ko, pero mas masarap magbasa ng chismis.

me: mas masaya maging smart. hmp. i'll lend you books.

msg 4: love story?

me: i'll start with that.

duh.

i want a pina colada. init!

mom had pizza delivered tonight. two things: either she missed me because i've locked myself up or because she felt guilty making sinigang fo lunch today. when i got home around 1pm, ate marlyn made guisa corned beef for me. and also i made ate marlyn swear that she won't leave me when my family leaves. hmmm...i am just too lazy. i guess it's too hot today. i was on the phone with mike and i just started sweating. ahahhaah. blah blah

kahapon joy called me up. napagusapan namin about how i wanted to live up to 30 lang. and how do i do that? OD gusto ko sabi ko. bakit daw. hmmm...my weird reasons... i've experienced a great deal of things already. as in ok na syo un? oo naman. unless i get pregnant. so what did she think? ok naman yun. kasi when someone says na, oh, i wanna go die na, their friends would go, oh, you're so selfish, a lot of people loves you and would miss you. so we agreed na, bakit, papalamunin ba nila tayo? so it turns out na sila ang selfish for making you prolong the agony. oh ok. we then agreed.

hmmm. weird lang why some people find the concept of death scary. it's a nice topic. it's actually enlightening. try talking about it.

FUNNY PEYUPS VANDALS

FA Wall:
"nobody cares"
somebody answered:
"not even the carebares?"
then another:
"not even kier?"
then:
"not even zoren?"
lastly:
"not even zorro?"
all written by different people.


AS:
AS chairs:
"push button to eject seatmate"

"push button to eject urself"

“push button to kill teacher.”

"push button to eject teacher"
....reply: "it's jammed! We're doomed!"


AS cubicle:
"Donate your bulbol here.." tapos may chewing
gum
na pagdidikitan. ...

AS chair :
“you know bobo? bobo is you!”

AS 1st floor CR:
“if you forget the past, then you porget the
purious..”

AS 1st floor CR uli:
“ Im a simple gay “
tapos me sumagot
“sira! Dapat ‘Im simple and gay!’ Taga peyups ka
ba? duh! “
tapos me sumagot ulit (with matching arrow pa na
nakaturo dun sa reply)
“sira ka rin! yung simple is used as an adjective
tapos yung gay is used as a noun. kaya ok lang
yung simple gay nya!”


CHEM:
Chem chair:
“push button to spray acid on prof’s face.”

Another chem chair:
“You Boron!!!”


BIO:
Bio chair:
"Push cadaver to haunt teacher.”


FO Santos:
“SA MGA NAGTATAPON NG BASURA DITO...
bawal.”


ENG’G:
Sa Men's CR, facing the urinal:
"Hawak ko saking mga kamay ang kinabukasan ng
bayan!"
Reply:
"the future you are holding is very small."


GAB:
sa likod ng armchair sa isang room sa GAB:
“takas ng ward 7”


MATH:
sa cr sa may math building:
“SUMAPI SA NPA! “
may sumagot:
“PAANO? “
may sumagot pa:
“MAGFILL UP NG COUPON AT IHULOG SA
PINAKAMALAPIT
NA DROP BOX SA SUKING TINDAHAN!”

sa math building, sa likod ng isang “teacher’s
chair” sa 3rd floor:
“BABALA: asawa ni babalu”

sa math 3rd floor, sa isang upuan uli.
"you'll NEVER find what you're looking for"
May nag-reply:
"find x."

sa math 3rd floor, sa isa pang upuan uli.
nakasulat sa armchair:
“F*CK DA WORLD! “
ta's may sumagot:
“F*CK U TOO!
--WORLD—“

3rd floor math cr:
"kaibigan, pagkapatos mong umihi, paki PLUS mo
naman, hehehe."


UPIS
sa loob ng music room.
“maam _______(music prof) boses palaka! “
tas may sumagot
“nakarinig ka na ba ng boses ng palaka “
tas may sumagot uli
“weh “
tas may nag-react uli
“oo, sabi kokak!kokak!”


VINZONS:
Wall ng vinzons
"Do not steal. The government hates competition"

men's cr sa Vinzon’s:
"remember: the hands that clean this toilet are
the same hands that cook your food."

men's cr waaaay above the urinal:
"if you can reach this, the fire department wants
you!"


NIGS:
sa isang upuan:
"f*ck nigs!"
may nagreply:
"who's nigs?"


MAIN LIB
Sa isang lamesa ng main lib, filipiniana section:
“UP STUDENTS HAS BECOME PATETHIC"
tapos may sumagot...
"mali pang grammar at spelling mo, halatang di ka
taga UP"

KALAI:
nietzsche-"god is dead"
God- "Nietzsche is dead!"


SC:
sa labas ng PNB:
“in case of emergency break ass and push butt”

sa girls’ CR:
“Bawal ang vandal Dito!...
Mommy said: First Aid Terramycin”

sa girls’ CR uli:
“My boyfriend and I had sex and now I’m pregnant”
Reply:
“Pray to God”


Kwela.

kain!

saturday night was sin night. salamat pau and raens for the pictures, and salamat din you guys for the sarap dinner.

the buffet.

my plate. first round pa lang yan. haha.

wasn't able to force the steak sa stomach ko. but vish also had a feast! that's raens' golden retreiver.

i am still in my baliw mode. i have till thursday morning to finish the two paintings na i'm working on. then, party mode ako. haha, not really, just meeting up a bunch of friends this coming weekend.

spent last night driving to the mall, shopping for bags (habang nagffreak out na ko kasi i haven't shopped in a long time), and goofing around with 8 teenagers in starbucks. i had caffeine overdose and sang all the songs sa radio while driving home.

painted till 2 am and had no problems sleeping. i could barely open my eyes while washing up. i've been waking at 8 am lately and this is really not normal for me. today, i woke up a little later than 8 and painted again. boring. but sleeping without difficulties is exciting pala haha.

oh, last night, while i was walking to my studio with my nephew who had an upset stomach (kasi lactose-intolerant sya), i looked up and the stars were really bright and lovely. when we got to the studio, i looked down and saw that i had different slippers on. green and pink. still have them on right now. haha! but nevertheless, they look cute with my purple toenails. tee hee!

hope to see you in cebu

i'm still hoping that we visit cebu before mum and dad and my sisters leave for hawaii. i've been wanting to see my cousins again and a guy friend din kasi eh. been itching to go since last year. i hope we spend new year there.

but aside from cebu, i also wanna go to vienna with tyrone, backpack with joy around asia, and go up north with her, too. and beach hopping sa visayas. hmmm...but then i have to pay for my credit card bills first.

ok, so i'll have more time to attempt to study cebuano. my cousins are really mean. they don't want to talk to me in tagalog eh. they insist i learn to understand. they make sure na aware ako na they talk about me in cebuano on my face ha! hmp! kasi naman, i am really bad when it comes to dialects and languages. kaya nga di ako makagraduate eh! spanish 11 na lang, punyeta!

so, sana, sa sinulog, kita tyo.

-----------------------------

last night, we pau and i had dinner kina raens. grabe. grilled steak (as in 3 big slabs of it ha), grilled corn on the cob and broccoli, pasta puttanesca and prawns. and a bottle of red wine.

just thinking about it, sumasakit yung dibdib ko.

the two will be posting pictures soon.

----------------------------

i suddenly remembered a conversation between joy and me. ang topic: sex. ay yung lack of it pala. eto ang kakaibang sagot ng mga 25+ years old na girls dapat in defense of being tigang.

ahem.

after years of fooling around, we find sex unnecessary at this point in our lives. at this age, there's more thrill in being invited for sex than actually doing it. and of course, only a few men are talented so you can always expect a bad lay. and after that bad lay, you'll find sex boring and a waste of time. soon you'll be able to live without it, and you feel liberated because you're beyond sex.

unless a really hot guy comes along, bawi muna ahahhaha!

ay, namiss ko tuloy si joy.

dada played this at home a few days ago. love it!



thanks, yoshee for helping me! love yah!

la dee dah.

squeeze!

there are happy days coming and i can feel them already.

but then , i know i'll be sad at the same time. the visas we've been waiting for arrived and even though we'll be having tons of reunions and parties and night outs with the family, malulungkot din ako. oh, well. mum and dad and my sisters will be leaving in a month siguro. huhuhuhu. kawawa naman ang 27 year old kid.

today, we had a surprise despedida party for my tita mel. she'll be leaving on tuesday with her husband, tito rey, and my cousin phoebe. she is the principal in the school i work in, and she was my principal when i was still studying there. it was a bittersweet moment for the kids and her. as in humagulgol ang mga kids. and super hug sila kay tita. i cried din. but sabi ko di naman yun goodbye. so i said, see you later, instead. bahala na who goes where.

however, this is a nice time in my life inspite of being poor and strange.

funny weird

i feel funny. a nice funny.

hmmm...

i'm not lying, i am flying, i'm not lying, i am flying, i'm sure.

---------------------------------------

you know what annoys me? coincidences. because i have this thing for wanting signs. and you know what? i am vulnerable. but i am so in a la dee da mood.

my little nephews are falling in love. i laugh at it. love. juvenile and silly love. and i always tell them, i wish that they find girls that are intellectualy stimulating. and i take out their hearts and rip them to shreds because i am so unromantic. well, i know, i know, puppy love is sweet and youth should not be wasted on matters of consequence.

and they laugh at me because they have to tease me for being an old maid. hoy, 27 is ot old, noh!

i got hooked to this koreanovela, my lovely sam soon. it's the story of a chubby 29 year old girl who broke her heart but eventually found love again in the arms of a younger and kadooper cute guy. and i go, aja, sam soon, for all the normal-looking smart girls in the world! ahahaha! so now, i'm not too grumpy and i'm sure i have a chance. tee hee. and i am romantic. ask my neighbors.

and they tease me again for obssessing over englishmen and their accent. and i freak out because mr. bean is english. now a nephew sends me messages that go, hahahaahah mr. bean! weheheheh!

well, in any case i get old before finding a guy with a smart accent, i will just have to resort to playing mary poppins to my nephews' future children.

---------------------------------------

but lately, i have this weird churning in my insides. i guess, i'm a kid after all. juvenile and silly.

found this. it's my favorite picture of me, minus the background, salamat sa photoshop!haha! i want to look like this again, virginal,haha, kwela... sabi ko kay ten,i look innocent, sabi nya, nagpapanggap lang ako. hmp! potah, 19kopong-kopong pa to. read: 1900's pa hindi pa umabot ng 2000! weh anu naman!


ipukpok nyo sa bato! goodbye cake and donuts... pero gusto ko pa rin ng prunes, raens!

gotta go paint. mwah! goodnight, world!

i wish that people who love me for my mind show a little more flexibility haha.

pathetic and bored

i answered the stupid questionnaires posted sa bulletin part sa friendster.

tee hee.

*** nang dahil binuksan mo to.
sasagutin mo din
to ng tagalog at walang kasamang ingles na salita.
ayan! simulan mo na. pero basahin mo muna ang
mga yan. ***


makulit ka ba? kung oo, paano? -
~*> oo, mahilig ako mangasar, pero alam ng mga
kaibigan ko na pag nilait ko sila, ibig sabihin,
mahal ko na sila.

ano ang madalas pang asar ng mga
kaibigan mo sayo? -
~*> abnormal daw ako

pikon ka ba? -
~*> hindi.

pang ilan ka sa inyong magkakapatid? -
~*> panganay

ikaw ba ay isang "positive thinker"? -
~*> nye, ingles un. hindi, magulo lang ang utak ko.

ano ang paborito mong numero? -
~*> 18 hehe, anu tagalog nun?

bingi ka ba? -
~*> ha,anu kamo?

saan mo gusto dito o doon? -
~*> kahit saan basta may banyo

ano ang mga paborito mong kulay? -
~*> berde

nakakain ka na ba ng hayop maliban sa
manok at baka? -
~*> oo, marami na silang mga hayop sila!

galit ka ba sa mundo? -
~*> hindi naman mashado, sha siguro galit sa kin

naiinis ka ba sa mga taong kinukwento
ang katapusan ng pelikulang hindi mo pa
napanood?
~*> hindi, kasi sinasaktan ko na sila bago pa nila
masabi

saan ka mahilig sa sapatos o sa damit? -
~*> sa tsinelas

sino mas gusto mo si juan o si pedro? -
~*>si juan kasi di ko kilala so pedro

ang boses mo ba mataas o mababa? -
~*> mataas kasi galing sa bibig,utot un pag sa
baba

nagtatago ka ba ng sama ng loob? -
~*> hindi, mataray ako eh

sumasayaw ka ba? -
~*> hindi, nakaupo lang

magaling ka bang kumanta? -
~*> depende kung sino mga kasama ko

natutulog ka ba ng patay o buhay ang
ilaw? -
~*> patay

mas marami bang naidulot na masama o
mabuti ang friendster saiyo? -
~*> mas maraming masarap haha!

mukha ka bang cartoon character?
~*> hindi.kamukha ko si aiza siguerra,hehe

saan mas masaya sa sun o sa moon?
~*> kala ko ba tagalog lang. koreano yan eh

ano ang gusto mo sa lalake/babae,
mahilig sa sports o sa music? -
~*> gusto ko lalake, ok na ko duin kahit wala
shang hilig sa palakasan o sa musika. bobo ka.

------eto pa---------

1. complete this phrase: "i could be.."
@ stupid.

2. what is the wallpaper on your cellphone?
@ 1g ang phone ko, bawal mangarap

3. did you get enough sleep last night?
@ nope, umaga na eh

4. first thing you thought about this morning when
you woke up?
@ tulog ulet!

5. do u ever wonder why the sky is blue?
@ would you believe that before the great flood, it
was pink?

6. ever tried to skip meals?
@ no, but have you ever tried being bulimic?

7. grilled or fried?
@ grilled. hmmm, kebabs!

8. what makes you unique from others?
@ you tell me.

9. are you afraid of the dark?
@ nope. i love it when it's dark.

10. favorite hangout?
@ in my studio and raens' place

11. people you can't live without?
@ my employers hehe

12. first thing you will buy if given 1 thousand
dollars?
@ i'll pay up my credit card bills

13. favorite song when you're sleepy?
@ panu un? eh di nagising ako? bobo ka!

14. what are you afraid of?
@ growing old alone.

15. are you a giver or taker?
@ giver, ipagtanong tanong nyo pa

16. if you could choose another name for yourself,
what would it be?
@ brooke shields mendoza! ahahahahazim!

17. what is your mom's name?
@ leticia

18. most recent movie that you watched?
@ dvd, monster house

19. invisible for a day, what would you do?
@ panic. i dont wanna lose myself hehhe.

20. stuck on a deserted island & could have only
one kind of food for the rest of your life, what would
it be?
@ alimasag from hell!

21. favorite tv commercial?
@ as of now, hmm...sony bravia's 250,000 balls
commercial

22.if you were dead and your soul was given
another chance, what would you do first?
@ make sure i get born filthy rich. hehe--ako din
peach, promise

23. if you could choose your eye color,what color
would you like to have?
@ i don't really care so long as they're not defective

24. what are the things you always bring?
@ i bring joy.haha!

25. what did you wanna be when you were a kid?
@ saleslady sa national bookstore

26. what do you usually do when the clock turns 6
am?
@ i don't really know, it's too early to tell, haha

27. the color of your bedsheet?
@ sa house, pink, sa studio, madungis eh, i can't
tell na haha

-------------------------------------

wala lang. beats doing nothing. if i were normal, i'd be probably out malling. thank god i'm not. i'm going to apply for a job tomorrow, wish me luck.

dog tales

i took cyrus out today for a short walk. i tried the short leash on him. it was really tiring because i had to use force on him so he wouldn't bite on it. kasi naman, it's pink and purple...i can't help it, i want color! haha!

i gave him a bath first though and it's a tough job kasi he's so playful. he is probably around 50 pounds na, really tiring, i was sweaty agad. i didn't take him all around the village, just a few blocks lang, testing and gauging if i'm still able to control him. thanks to those weight lifting sessions, strong pa din ako, haha! no really, if it weren't for that, i'm sure sugatan na ako. ang bigat when he pulls talaga. but shempre, he knows pa rin who's the head of the pack. his head kasi reaches na my thigh and if he stands on his hind legs, hanggang chest ko na sya. really huge.

there was this one time, i saw the trailer for hidalgo, sabi ko, sana i named him hidalgo na lang. my sister said he's to much of a softy to be called hidalgo. dapat nga boner, kaya lang my sister would kill me i'm sure, haha! he looks like a cyrus naman talaga. i'll post photos soon. he's a fluffy foo foo! he's super sweet and smelly!

haha! nice day for sleeping.

updated my resume. ho humm. nothing better to do. my sister gave me a pedicure. oh and she is in page 14 of the oct 2006 issue of candy. street fashion. it's a small photo but she looks good there. she's really a great dresser, yun nga lang she's a little heavyset na din. so i woke up a little past 12 as i have started writing my story last night and slept around 4 am. watched tv, and until now, still unbathed. ho humm.

i'm still feeling low, but mom made ginatang bilo-bilo. i haven't had that for a long time. there are food kasi na i don't eat unless it's mom's cooking. cheery. will probably go to the studio later to finish up stenciling my baby sister's UN day costume.

talaga no, when you're in gradeschool or preschool, obligado ka sumali sa mga pageantry na super embarrassing pala hindi ka lang aware sa edad mong yon. kasi naman ang parents sadyang mga stage mom and dads talaga pero shempre in denial sila. well, when you get older, talagang swerte ka kung showbiz kang tao at willing ka to make a fool out of yourself. parang ung mga highschool students ko, wala kasing mga kabaklaan sa mga sarili yun kaya they really abhor itong mga spectacles na to. they really hate performing and halos magmakaawa pa kami sa kanila. at ang mga baliw mas marunong pa sa teachers. pag sinabi mo na merong ganito ganito, sasabihin, wag na ma'am, ganito na lang. mga bruha. kaya the theater group prefers the black light theater kasi hindi sila kailangan mag emote at magpakita sa tao.

it's too hot to do anything. potah, ebay is erroring. i'm trying to submit ung thing ko because i'm selling a 25 year old mosaic from italy. ayaw,naiinis ako. leche.

i have a headache. ang tagal ng ulan. please come down and cool us.

i had to delete everything i typed.

i already wrote about how i went to cubao without a car, about the surge of crowds coming and going, of making blythe wait in cubao. of lrt rides and parlor games. of food tripping and starbucks' red cups. of mike and joy coming over last night to listen to the crickets and gaze at the stars. of my days locked in the studio and scrubbing off paint from my hands.

and then i find myself depressed, again, thanks to a text message and a parent. i've been telling myself not to let my emotions get the best of me. that inspite of the events that had recently happened, i told myself, i'm cool. but then as much as i try, other people would hit the switch. and now i'm back where i started.

and to make things worse, i'm going to apply for the same role i had a few months back and i 'm going to make my life miserable again. so that i could save my sanity. so that my self-worth would stay intact and so that i can be away again. it doesn't even have to mean that i am swallowing my pride. it's just that i want to be a bird so that i can fly far far away.

whine, whine, i guess i do love misery and misery loves me, too.

nov 1, 2006, 2am

I’m currently in my studio, and of course I have to curse a little under my breath. My studio is too messy. Sheets of paper are scattered about and the floor is dusty. I haven’t sprayed insecticide in a few weeks and there are tiny moth-like creatures in my tubs of paint. I am not in the mood to be depressed and waiting for paint to dry is certainly entertaining.

Last night I wanted to paint but ended up sleeping beside my laptop. Half of my body on the mattress and half on the floor, I started dreaming but forced myself to wake up because I knew I was in a terrible position and would probably wake up in the morning with paint all over me and all over the floor. I cleared everything up and settled myself in a better place (completely on top of the mattress) but opted to keep the lights on so that it’d hurt my eyes when I wake up and I‘d be forced to get up and not waste my time sleeping. I set the alarm for 3am so I could make myself useful, yet I haven’t thought of anything to paint. I fell asleep around 9 and woke up a little before 10 and decided to resume to lovely sleep with the lights still on.

I woke up at 10 (lazy ako) because the people next door were really noisy. They were listening to this radio station na masakit sa ulo. And my sister called me up and asked me to come to work. I complained a little because it’s my day off but agreed to go. I painted a canvass violet and took a nice bath. Scanned the bathroom and promised myself that I would clean up tomorrow.

Went to see the kids and was asked to go to a student’s birthday party. Bad trip kasi, when I woke up, I swore that I’ll go on a diet already. Of course I had to go, and of course I had to eat. The mommy made carbonara and cordon bleu for the kids and pinaputok na tilapia and steamed sigarilyas, talong, kangkong, and okra with a surprisingly amazing bagoong for the adults. I didn’t have okra of course, it’s on the same list with sinigang eh.

Ate and ran. I was supposed to get a free diamond peel with my cousin but I voted against it. Free nga eh, eh baka naman anu gawin nila sa face ko. Mahal ko pa ang mukha ko noh. Told her that I didn’t want to because they’d be selling her services that she won’t really need. So we went to the mall instead. I paid the last of my cellphone bills (yippee!) and got myself books from booksale. I bought 2 novels, and oddly enough, the covers almost look the same, even the font ha. Haha. The other one has pictures in it. Collector items, vintage lunchboxes. Wala lang.

Chrissele and Jo Anna came over and brought a microwavable container with the staple canned tuna with dinurog na fita. The fita dapat durog daw for the texture. And ate anne donated a can of corned beef. Haha. Chrissele told funny stories about her childhood kakulitan and embarrassing bladder issues. Ang galing nya because kami ni Jo almost don’t remember anything na. At shempre, we had to talk about my love issues. Forget the guy na daw. Oo nga, if it’s that easy, why not. Whatever. Hoy, wala akong issues noh!

Picked up the trash after they left. I checked on the doodles I made for the five small paintings I’m gonna do for my folio. Painted a little, had a shower and continued to write this. There’s scratching inside my weird wall (I’m in the attic eh). Yuk. Probably a cat, or a rat, two of the things I hate the most in this world. Hmp. Oh, and if you hate lizards, keep spraying insecticide. I wasn’t able to paint in 2 weeks and the studio’s been empty. Now, there is a gazillion pooping lizards in my bathroom and in the teeny corridor which can’t actually be called a corridor because it’s more of a stair landing or something like that. Mental note: clean up and spray around and feed the dog.

oh no, oh no, i'm now having second thoughts. what i should really do now, i don't know.

this is so diappointing. so i'll probably get my rubbershoes and walk the dog. and later on retreat to my studio and paint. because i know, the thing that causes me the most problems is also the thing that soothes me. and then i'll read a little.

i just want to do things right. hay. my poor tired old soul.

hay, friday night, ang boring. was supposed to meet up with mike but it seemed impossible, so he ended up driving to tagaytay, and i ended up staying at home. oh, well. i bet later will be more boring.

i saw this commercial for a tv show in gma. they shoot in cafe cristina. ahahaha.

oh, please, someone, take me out!

i want a tattoo...

ikaw na ang magaling

grabe, had so much fun last night. i met up with samio, jez, rachelle, and joy to got to nowel's group show. we met because i have this thing, a project, but i won't be elaborating on it. saka na lang. after eating okey na okoy and sizzling tofu, we went to mike's place. ahaha, ang ganda ng bike ni mike.

i never realized how much i missed jez. he still has his killer lines. sobrang funny nitong tao na to. and underated, too. malupet pa din si jez. i guess i'll be seeing him more from now on.

hay, today, astig talaga ang meralco. they really ruined the holiday. we had no electricity from 10 am to 5 pm. and nawalan ng water around 3, tamang i was going to make tuna burgers(with wasabi mayo!) pa naman. well, i managed naman eh. kaya ok lang. nakakaawa nga the kids kasi we were supposed to watch dvd. they ended up playing monopoly, which was ok din kasi bored games are really entertaining pag bored ka.

grabe, as soon as power came back, nagvideoke kami. chrissele came over and sang a couple of songs. and before she left, dumating si letlet. at nagingay kami sa kalsadahan. kakahiya. hehhehe.

i'm such a weirdo. you know how it is when you really like this person na lahat nilalagyan mo ng meaning para lalong gumulo yung buhay mo kahit wala naman talaga syang gusto syo pero masarap isipin na meron kasi wala kang ibang better things to do? ayun.

guess who i found sa friendster. wahahahah!

la dee dah.

ang hirap when you know what you want to do and it doesn't really work out right but you're still happy wateber. wateber cleber.tee hee.

miss my friends. take me out sometime.

What am I worth?

I wanted not to have any reasons for depression within the 2 weeks since I felt happy. But as I once said, happiness is not for me.

I’ve waited long and hard, and was able to feel it for a few weeks. Well, the very ones who gave it to me were the ones that took it away, too.

Maybe, just maybe, I am not supposed to be doing what I love.

May Your grace be sufficient for me. All I asked before was the strength to let go. Should I now ask for it again?

I have been wanting to blog since Wednesday of last week. A lot has happened and I wanted to write the stories. Yet, somehow, even though I tried, I was unable to write something.

Maybe it’s because of today.

Mothers’ Day of this year, I greeted all my mommy friends. One replied with this – thank you darling! And happy mom’s day to you, too…I know that you take care of so many people just the same. Just don’t forget to take care of yourself…

My nephew, in a conversation yesterday said, “Totoo, tita, good guys finish last.” I didn’t want to agree. Maybe today, though, I’d say, sure. I really didn’t want to make a big fuss about this latest disappointment. But somebody told me that it was really unfair.

Talk about gratitude daw.

And she is right. How do you say “thank you” to the one who stayed, to the one who believed?

Actually, I never believed in the Filipino concept of “utang na loob”. That’s why I don’t want it to bind people with me. But I also believe in not arguing and with making people feel awkward.

This year, I give myself two more chances. If these work out, I will continue. If not, I will say goodbye.

Pero,
Wag mo akong lapitan,
Habang ikaw ay nagpapaalam.
Dahil hindi ko gustong matandaan
Ang yakap mo
Tuwing dadalawin ako
Ng kalungkutan

I’m sorry to those most disappointed. I hope you realize how this hurts me more. I need your silence.

------------------------------------------------------------

i wrote this early today. surprisingly, i am now ok. salamat sa lahat na naniniwala. mahal ko kayo.

------------------------------------------------------------

kaya instead of whining, i went to cafe crisitna with my nephews, zach and kevin. it is a lovely sunnyday today.

ganda ng araw talaga.
gusto ko ng ganito sa bahay ko.

kevin and zach.

had cold coffee and ate a little. also, i'm working on a project kaya okay lang ako.

eto eh.

di daw ako included sa exhibit.

made steamed pla-pla with olive oil and crispy garlic tonight for my tita's birthday party. hala, burned my fingers chopping garlic. bilib pa naman ako sa sarili ko for a long time kasi kala ko koreano ako at hobby ko magbalat at magtadtad ng bawang. had a really nice time with family, especially with my isang katutak na pamangkins. shempre, dami na namang food. lechon, pancit malabon,steamed garlic plapla, vietnamese rolls, and monggo sprouts. simple lang yun, but we had 3 kinds of cake. grabe, help me lord. kahit ano, kahit ang aking tanging yaman, ibibgay ko, pumayat lang ako( beam of light appears, angelic choir music fades in, white screen). hmp, sometimes, i just wanna lock myself in a room para lang lumayo sa pagkain. napaka unhealthy pa ng diet ng mga pinoy. kaya tuloy lagi akong pinapagalitan ni joy. sobrang bad daw kasi ng hobby namin dito. lagi kaming busog.

gotta review for sts. may exam ako tomorrow. i'm sure, though, as soon as i start reading, i'd fall asleep agad. whatever. i'm sure i'll pass the course and i don't have to review.

will be driving to UP and then to the fort to submit my portrait. hay, i still have to psych myself for that long drive around. traffic galore ito. and shempre, mejo uneasy pa ko kasi i haven't renewed my license yet. but secret lang yun ha, kasi everyone here thinks na i did na. bothersome naman talaga eh. basta, promise, i'll do it this month. as soon as i have money na. promise talaga.

kanina, kwentuhan with my cousins, tita, mom, and dad. tapos we started talking about a friend na spinster. well, sa totoo naman talaga, she's weird kasi she eats oatmeal everyday. as in, oatmeal with milk, oatmeal topped with powdered milk na kailangan pantay ang spread, oatmeal mixed with milo, oatmeal with milo topping, oatmel with carrots; oh, i can go on forever. she also fries suman, and requires her neice to eat the same everyday. minsan nga her neice threw up sa dining table eh. ikaw ba naman iforce feed ng oatmeal araw araw, di ka masuka!anyway, she also does calligraphy and dries flowers. sabi ko, so typical sa spinsters yang ganyang hobbies and drying flowers is a metaphor.

sabi ni mommy, baka daw makarma ako. hehe.

nayari pa ko kanina kasi nakabasa daw tita ko and cousin ko ng article tungkol sa mga call center people. madalas daw kasi, tinatamaan ang respiratory system ng kung anu ano dahil sa puyat. at nagkaka mental problems pa. dapat daw inenroll na nila ako sa basement ng medical city.

basta, dahil masaya ako ngayon, bawal ako madepress in two weeks. kasi ganyan ang simula ng pagiging manic depressive. hehe, ayan raens, pwede mo na ko idocument pagnangyari na yun! teehee!

osha, magaaral na ko kunyari.

hay, kay sarap.

holy cow, i am just too damn happy.

saturday, russ and i met up in angono and she gave me my neruda book. salamat russ!
been reading a fine book, survivor, by chuck palahniuk.
got sawdust before i ran out of kibbles.
was able to watch my neighbor totoro and the cat returns yesterday. i love old school anime!
had dinner tonight at cena and dessert at m. salamat, ate winnie!

the exhibit dates had been moved and my parents probably would've gone for hawaii already before the show(which is rescheduled to next year, but still no definite date). felt a little sore but that also means more time.

i feel dandy. i really am happy.

surprise me

http://kevan.org/johari?name=abbaghanda

this you don't have to read.

Chapter 1 : The happiest sad story of my life

Mix gin with soda. Light up a cigarette. Play a movie. That’s what I am left to do. I cry because of love stories someone else wrote. And the sadness lingers but for a few minutes.

If they can write their own stories, I’m sure I can do, too.

The saddest part is when you do it alone. Sure, call a friend to stay with you, but soon they all leave. Leaving. If goodbyes are temporary, there is always the reunion to look forward to. But if goodbye means forever, what is the end of sadness?

My hometown was devastated by the past storm. And the next day, all seemed fine. The sun goes up again and we hang out mattresses to dry in the sun that wasn’t there yesterday. Why is it so different when we say goodbye to those things that were washed away? On the other hand, we also find an opportunity to clean up and let go of the piles of old textbooks, of clothes never worn for the longest time. We give the dogs baths and we go on with our lives.

Then why write about the storm? It gave us pretty a clear warning that we should soon leave this place because of the threat that this will happen again. But why bother, life goes on. It will be another year before the typhoons come again.

Repeat. And we do it all over again. If you are smart, come the rain, we pack up and vacate. Knock on a relative’s door, keep safe for the night. Then go back home the next day to clean up. Besides, our house, our land, well, it will always be ours.

Repeat. Will we ever tire?

What is love? Why is it any different? Same with the rain, the storm, it floods our hearts, our insides, our person. But when it goes away, how do we say goodbye? No, we cannot just clean up the mess and continue with life. No, not for a long time, I’m sure.

People. They take advantage of this thing, love. They take it for granted, no? I am sure.

When we were young, love was all there is. Mom and dad. Pain can easily go away with a kiss from mom, and dad was the only man in our lives. They mean only what is good, what is best for us. Read:Love has different degrees. And every one has his or her own opinion about it. But what else can we do but live with love?

I have read countless books, watched tons of movies. And love is all there is to it. Mix in love with a story about aliens invading the earth, or love with a neurotic movie, and it is sold.

Write. Write our own stories, if you please.

And when we say goodbye to love, we realize that we can’t hang it out to dry. We can’t air out whatever stench it has.

So let’s take a sip of our soda with gin and light up another cigarette.

And let us begin to write our fiction.

She was in her youth when she saw him outside of her window. He gets off his ride everyday, at four in the afternoon. He was oblivious. One day, he saw her, but pretended not to see. She was young, and he felt too mature for her. He was in love with someone, and she was with him. One day, he was left alone by the one he loved. And he noticed her.

She was a girl, he clearly saw that. And nothing else mattered. But everyday, at four, he saw her. But he pretended not to see. And soon their eyes met. And they smiled. She, as young as she was, gathered courage, and slowly began to get near him. And he was pleased. Soon, they were saying their hellos, and it became constant. He went nearer and hellos turned to conversations.

As predicted, they fell in love. But she loved more. And they were happy.

And she died.

That was nice. At least there was closure.

Sip and puff.

All short stories can never be long. It has to end soon.

Too soon.



Chapter 2: What comes after.

We get better. After we find ourselves in the lowest part of whatever it is, we only hope to get better.

I wish that the only task I have is to make mom and dad proud. And this is never ending. Especially when we forever attempt to but still fail.

Turn on the shower. Cold. Wash out all the disappointments. Dry yourself.

And we try to live for ourselves. But it seems that people are more selfish. They expect more. And soon, there are a million of other people wishing and hoping not to be disappointed with you.
A reminder to them: if they are disappointed, of course, you yourself get disappointed with you first. Ah, the complexities of the human brain.

Write our fiction.

After four years of studying hard, she graduates with honors. And at the stands, mom and dad beam with pride. That’s our daughter up there, they say. Applause.

She finds a job on the 31st floor of a shiny new building with marble floors. She dresses up in smart clothes and wear stilettos in the office. She drives her new car to work wearing dressy driving shoes. She buys coffee from Starbucks.

She has people waiting on her. She presses the intercom button and a timid girl answers to her every desire. her coffee is hot and fresh, her requests always answered.

And she discovers that she is unhappy. With her savings, she purchases a nifty powerbook and starts to pound away. She writes fiction, and sad love stories. She quits her job to write. She writes everyday. She hopes to sell books. She hopes to be known. But it is hard.

Her parents are disappointed with her decision and complain. They want her to go back to her high-paying job in an office with a view of the smoggy city. She struggles and argues. She goes home broken and in pain.

As with any stressed out and miserable people do, she goes back to the corporate life to please mom and dad. She works for another year.

She writes her final piece and folds it neatly. She leaves it on the top of her dresser. She is disappointed with herself. She ingests 30 pills that put you to sleep and drinks 3 cups of vodka straight. She fights the urge to throw up and curls on her bed. She died with tears in her eyes but she was ironically peaceful.

Her parents are disappointed. With themselves.


Chapter 3: What we should do.

There are times in our live when we wake up really happy. And there are days when we breeze through it without any dilemmas. How can we make it happen everyday? Of course we don’t.

Is there a way we can find on how to guarantee unending happiness? Find love I guess.

Refer to chapter1.


Chapter 4: Writing your own fiction.

Some people have it easy. They never get caught driving through one-way streets. Neither do they fail Math 1 or the physics class. There are those who find true love and live a faery tale. Theirs are stories that go to the non-fiction section. But what if life doesn’t cooperate with you?

Easy. Write your own story. You don’t even have to make it happen. Just make believe.

My fiction.

After watching Kuya Germs in “Payaso”, I quickly made up my mind not to become a child star or in any other way join the show business. I am definitely not going to bring out the golden susi ng langit and parade it in front of the cameras.

So I decided to sing Broadway. Without any effort, I made it on the stage of a damp hall and sang “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” clad in my really cool 90’s get-up – an ethnic-print skirt with matching vest, grungy black boots, my smart Tan Gan shirt with long sleeves. Eww. But for a few seconds I basked in my personal round of applause. I even tried out for “Evita” but of course, I really wasn’t made for the bright lights and didn’t make it; not even for the pit choir. But I kept on singing, always dressed in the cool 90’s fashion.

Soon, I decided that the stage and show business are connected to each other and looked for another thing to waste my time with. So I got myself a boyfriend and another thing to do. Not that I was doing my boyfriend that time, that goes into another part of my story.

Stop. I do not have a fiction. Mine is fine. I like it this way.

Chapter 5: Non-fiction.

I watched a movie again today. It was a happy love story now.

Right now, I seem to forget about writing any sort of story for myself. Amazingly, I feel better. I feel as though I’ll be all good soon.

And I just have to wait. My story writes itself.

bata, bata, bakit ka mataba?

blah, blah, blah.

hay, i swear, i will not eat carbs anymore. anu ba naman kasi yan. ang aking never ending battle with the bulge ay nasa critical na lugar na. madami na ang nagyaya sa akin mag-box, mag muay thai, mag gym, at kung anu anu pa. si cyrus di ko mailakad, at hay...ang aking trabaho pa ay walang kapagapagasang maging physically challenging. pero wala akong magawa.

pero nakakatawa, kanina nag- emcee ako sa rotary family day. at ewan ko ba, everybody thought na teen-ager pa ko. si daddy pa kept introducing me to the other rotarians' kids na as in wala pang half my age. i guess, sa mata ng mga magulang natin, we'll be forever kids. ok lang, i was allowed to wine hehe.

or maybe, para na naman akong isip bata.

a few days ago, we went to my grand uncle's wake. if it is sa father's side, it means reunion. ang labo kasi. we only get to see family pag may death. weird thing. but i think we will do something about that. anyway, the daughter of the deceased, si tita dottie, my 30 something single aunt, na maganda naman at smart, was there nung nagpunta kami. it was also her birthday nun. we got her a cake sa starbucks. as we were cutting the cake sa pantry sa chapel, she was goin, wow, sosyal, starbucks, buti na lang namantay si papa,oops, sorry papa, joke lang. wow, ang labo ng tita ko. at eto pa, we were seated sa loob nung chapel, and she was like ang cute, my pillow, refering sa akin yan ha. humirit pa kay mommy na, para syang 8 years old noh? napa jimmy santos look nga ako sa kanya eh.

ang labo. para ba talaga akong bata? eh mejo feeling ko naman, mature na ko. hehheehhhe!

kagabi sabi ko ki chrissele, omg! i'm so ready for a boyfriend! natawa na naman sya. kasi nga kanina naman, eh pwede na ko maging spouse ng rotarian na umaattend sa spouses' meetings, pero, bata pa daw ako. hmp. sabagay, before going to the affair, nanood muna ako ng princess mononoke at totoro my neighbor. gusto ko pa nga sana panorin ulit ang howl's moving castle, castle in the clouds, spirited away, at panda, go, panda! laya lang wala ng time.

in our special place, siguro nga, we will always be kids.

at kanina, there was this kid na i wanted to strangle. pumapatol kasi ako sa bata eh.

matters of consequence

Tiny drops can fill up a whole tub.

A few nights ago I was cleaning out my drawers and I came upon our old log book. I read through the first few pages and ended up getting a headache. Oh, how youth can be so embarrassing! It was full of pages after pages of promises of undying affection and you-and-me-against-the-world drama. And now, do I actually believe in that crap? Against his short letters, though, my compositions were really fit for a drama queen like me. His, well, as in the manner of what the guys would always do, just say sorry – almost all the time.

So we go about and go on with our lives.

Bits of memories can fill up the whole picture frame.

When I said it was over, I know I wasn’t pretending. It really was. Thank you, but I had rather flown to Cebu, except only dad had to tell me off. Nasa Manila ka na nga, pupunta ka pa nang probinsya. Well, he did have a point there. Eh sa nangangarap ako maging independent, bakit ba?! Well, I guess, this one is for the birds. So, on with my suburban chick life…

For those of you who are clueless, being on a lonely journey from quarter-life to mid-life, and the crises in between, time goes too fast when you are busy and too slow when you’re a nervous wreck. Of course, aside from time, there are other things on this earth that hardly cooperates with you. So you look for excuses and you turn to those sordid, in search for the meaning of life and the key to happiness. Syempre, out of order pareho. And then you get older and you realize that the treasure hunt is a fairy tale. It’s faery dust trail and not streetlights. Oh, okay, nice going, you say to yourself.

when you turn the faucet on, you fill up the tub, this time, faster.

when you remember, memories do flood you. remembering is optional. but options always have results. the negative and the positive.

I loathe your youth; I resent your candy-coated lies, because you can never be faithful to your words as I have thought I could be. I detest your naiveté, and I am appalled by your sweet smiles, your pretentious innocence. When you tire of your conquest, I will laugh at your faces and I will hold my head up high, and say, “I told you so!”

And so how a half-wit can occupy your thoughts…

In every hour I spend in the bathroom, I use the thirty minutes to reflect, sometimes to cry in the shower, or in trying to remember things of the past. Being reminded of a book that I had suffered once with baby lust, I spent today’s bath time trying to think about coffee.

When you go to Starbucks the next time, remember these:

1. A grande vanilla frappucino with an espresso shot and caramel drizzle – this you drink if you don’t really need the caffeine or if you feel drinking something lighter than brown.
2. A grande double espresso frappucino, with vanilla syrup, blended with the whipped cream – you should be ready for the caffeine, but thank the heavens that vanilla syrup was invented. Still, quite amateur because it’s cold.
3. A grande Americano with Irish cream syrup (plus free half and half from the condiments section) – really boring, but cheap.
4. A caramel ice-shaken double shot espresso, on a bigger cup, please, with the ice (then explain that you like it really cold, but you actually do this to get more coffee because they actually put the excess in your bigger cup) – my current drive home partner. Caffeine to the max.
5. Go grande with your frap or iced drinks, it’s the most sensible choice. Right size, you won’t waste any, and right price. But still, I have to admit, they are overpriced.

Your cards read happy misery.

When in a reading, you have to know that you must not ask questions that can confuse you like, is the future bright? or will it have a happy ending? when you really don't want it to happen. because your denial stage can only backfire on you and then you start to think, whatever happened to the period that could have gotten away? and so you rewrite your story. this time however, your plot had been blown by the wind. so you try to salvage whatever you can and you put the pieces back together. unfortunately, you do not succeed and you have to do it all over again.

the chronological order has gotten away. so let's settle with the spatial. you look from left to right, from top to bottom, and you look again, and you sneeze. and when you do, you have to close your eyes, for no one sneezes with their eyes wide open. and in that split-second, when you look again, your dog has eaten your homework and you again try to write your fiction.

and everytime i open my eyes in the dark, i pray that i would see you. but it is too dark and thus you will be lost forever.

“Twinkle twinkle little bat
How I wonder what your at.
Up above the world you fly,
Like a tea tray in the sky.”

-excerpt from the “Unbirthday Song” as sung by the Dor Mouse. That’s Alice in Wonderland for you.

and now, everything is fiction indeed.

had good food last monday night sa children's party ko. beef kebabs, pork barbeque, pasta marticiana, and tons of cake! exciting!

went to paint primer on my canvasses today.

this is currently without title. the images were inspired by ali but the trip was inspired by something else. i couldn't get a nicer picture. but there's a purple mushroom there. dad saw it and claimed it as his. save! i like it, it's so trippy and cute.

tuesday really started bad for me. spent the wee hours of the day doing the friggin' sts paper. i slept at 5am. finally, i got in bed and as soon as sleep was sinking in, the phone rang. it was my tita from hawaii,and kahit bangenge na ko, i had to get a peice of paper pa to write down a postal code or something. finally, i was able to sleep for 3 hours. actually, i got up late, and got out of the shower at 9am. eten needed to go to class at 10, but i lost my watercolor board. i couldn't find it anywhere in my room and i was getting really tired and angry. and i was starting to sweat. hmp. so i decided to leave the board kung nasan man sya. buti na nga lang, andun ung laundrywoman namin to feed the dog.

i got all my bags and loaded them sa car. dapat hahatid kami ni dad to tj's to get the car but dad was sinusumpong. ok, we got into a tricycle, told the guy na sa gate lang. but my uncle wasn't there so we asked him to take us to the village right next to ours, isang byahe. the asshole stopped and said wala na syang gas. i was so freakin' mad i was cursing the guy. we got into another tricycle. aba, hindi pa kami nakaklayo, umandar sya.

ayun, as soon as i reached up, my classmate texted me that the other half of the paper was uploaded by our groupmate. and i still had to print it. and fix the table of content. pucha, samatalang the night before i was really weng weng kasi i need to write the intro and the conclusion to something na i haven't seen yet. ayus. i got to class 2 minutes before magdismiss. hay, ang saya.

and i am a little sore aroundd the edges kasi i can't stop thinking of things na hindi ko dapat iniisip. matters of consequence. eto na nga ata yun.

sana they all end soon because i can't live like this for another week.

and maybe i should just stop doing the complicated.

i swear, so please help me, this will be the last time, so let it hurt like hell, and let me rest peacefully, renewed and refreshed and numb as a wall.

sometimes i make the stupidest mistakes and say the darndest things. oh yes, i got my surprise party. i was surprised when my mom wanted to eat out. i was even more surprised when i told her that we should just cook instead. and really even more surprised that i was doing the cooking! ha!

ha, 27 and still pathetic. mike asked me today how old i was. ayun, told him na i am 27 and pwede na ko magboyfriend. he said oo nga, at habang tumatanda nga, lalong nagiisip bata. told him, yes, but he's older, kaya mas isip bata sya. true daw, he said, kaya masaya ang buhay.
so true, mike, masaya talaga ang buhay. and no matter how it all comes out, i'll still be pathetic, but i will be happy.

the irony of it, my happiness comes from the misery of the cheesiness life has to offer.

in the meantime, i have to finish a paper for sts and i can't think of anything else but cheese.

there are things in the world that i can't have, but maybe, if it was the other way around - if these things can't have me, they'd also be miserable. hmm... no! duh! feeling lang ako.

don't worry abba, you'll be in soon. and if it doesn't work out, there are other doors. and beyond them, it will be bright.

masaya talaga ang buhay. even if it's a shell, hey, at least we don't get wet in the rain. and if it is a shell, try to float when it floods. i cannot tell till when i'll be here. so let's all enjoy this now.

my mood changed for the better just in time for my 27th birthday. that is today. i've been feeling the good vibes since saturday morning after i gave my dog a bath. the day went well into the wee hours. had sarap appetizers and wine, baked chicken breast with capers and lemon butter sauce, salad, grilled veggies and beef kebabs sa forest nina raena. tapos raena fixed us up some margarita, which had a slightly green color, but nevertheless, masarap! naku, for sure i'll miss raena and the mighty jungle kasi i'll be locking myself up sa studio these coming weeks.

well, i should sacrifice socialization muna till november. but i'll welcome visitors sa studio ko hehe.

well, it's my birthday and all i can think of is getting my driver's license renewed. uh oh.

la dee da. got nothin to write kasi i'm happy and i'd like to enjoy it. good night!

“Go again and look at the roses. You will understand now that yours is unique in all the world. Then come back to say goodbye to me, and I will make you a present of a secret.”

The little prince went away, to look again at the roses.

“You are not at all like my rose,” he said. “As yet you are nothing. No one has tamed you, and you have tamed no one. You are like my fox when I first knew him. He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But I have made him my friend, and now he is unique in all the world.”

And the roses were very much embarrassed.

“You are beautiful, but you are empty,” he went on. “One could not die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passer-by would think that my rose looked just like you – the rose that belongs to me. But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundreds of you other roses: because it is she that I have watered; because it is she that I have out under the glass globe; because it is she that I have sheltered behind the screen; because it is for her that I have killed the caterpillars (except the two or three that we saved to become butterflies); because it is she that I have listened to, when she grumbled or boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing. Because she is my rose.”

And he went back to meet the fox.

“Goodbye,” he said.
“Goodbye,” said the fox. “And now, here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the naked eye.”
“What is essential is invisible to the naked eye,” the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.
“It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.”
“It is the time I have wasted for my rose-“ said the little prince, so that he would be sure to remember.
“Men have forgotten this truth,” said the fox. “But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose…”
“I am responsible for my rose,” the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

excerpt from "The Little Prince" by antoine de saint-exupery

i read the book because i couldn't think of any other book to assign to my class of 10-13 year olds. and in a way, i am glad i read it.

you see, whenever i start to move on, i get confused and find myself at that point where i started. and i do this over and over. i guess, i'll always go back. and now i have an answer. and it is most intelligent and rational, this answer.

but, maybe, i never did leave. maybe it was everything else that started to move, only to return to their places. maybe, this is my proper place. true love - the soul meets its counterpoint in another. and maybe, just maybe, this is true. and maybe i find it so comfortable that i cling to that thin string that binds. and it chokes. but on the contrary, i thrive.

i find comfort from the excerpt. maybe this is normal. and maybe, i am, too.

as much as i don't want to be affected, as much as i don't want to think about things that shouldn't matter, sheez...i still do. oh, the complications of the human brain! and i go down. will somebody help me? i need to talk to a reasonable being.

i need to be comforted.

i need the noise to disappear. i need to be perfect and i need to stop crying. i just want to breathe. i am not going to lose it, i swear. i will cope. but here, i doubt it will be easy.

i just want to crawl into that space where everything quiets down, where the familiar scent makes my heart beat slower. but it hurts because that place flew far far away, and now it's gone. just like that.

i don't wish for it to come back. i want something better. no, not really. i just want to a reason to be happy again.

i want to stay away.but i should've flown away together with my warm place.

hmm..this entry took a lot of time to write. i had to go outside and went to budgetlane and shopwise to let myself breathe. i feel so crowded and unstretched and tired and needy. people give me a lot of stupid predictions. of doors being left wide open. or ajar.

i asked once, when i had my cards read to me, should i go up the stairs? i was asking something material, not in any way abstract, something physical not figurative. she said yes, but gave me an answer in a different context. sometimes, all i wanna do, is really, climb upstairs and lie down in my old familiar space. and close my eyes. and cry all my cares away.

i am one sad person.

it comes and it goes. it's a virus.

senti+mental

so, here in our wee village, we are four girlfriends who all became single. i was first, then carrie, then chriselle, then lastly, lets. however, it looks bright for lets and her boyfriend, and chriselle now has a boyfriend. carrie is in love with this guy, kulang na lang ang tanong para makapag- oo sya. well, that leaves me loveless and very much single, although not too available, but really single.

when i was new to blogging, i read an acquaintance's blog. she kept on writing about not finding the one, or the one not finding her. well kasi naman, if ako yun, i'd look away na lang. she's the kind na ssb - single since birth. kawawa naman, kasi she's smart and witty, and confident about herself but hindi lang talaga siguro nagwowork.

i've been having bouts with depression. a few weeks ago, my friend camille declared na we're probably sad because we're fat. i was thinking pa naman na i was just too tired. joy said baka nga i might have hormonal imbalance kasi i eat too much carbs. joy had the most logical explanation, and oo nga pala, i have a tendency to lose it kasi of my hormones.

so i then asked ate anne if ang mga baliw ba, aware sila na baliw sila? sabi nya shempre hindi daw kasi akala nila normal pa din sila. eh ang depression? sabi nya shempre alam dapat kasi para maka cope ang tao. ahh, ok so depressed lang talaga ko. eh may twitch na ata ako kasi i keep wincing and frowning in the oddest moments.

ok whatever.

eten joined my sts class nung tuesday kasi wala syang class. anyway, the reporters were talking about genetic maps. just like dun sa movie na gattaca. with these daw, you'll know who has the tendency mabaliw, madepress at ma-addict. sabi ni eten, "wow, ate, pasok ka sa tatlo!" leche talaga tong kapatid ko.

siguro, dapat ko ilagay sa wishlist ko to - a second chance at love. ayus di ba. siguro, i don't really care yun nga lang, my village girls keep predicting na i'll be looking at love again and it'll be sweeter daw kasi the second time around. sabi rin ng horoscope ko yan last saturday. pwede ba, ito sabi ko sa kanila, tigilan nyo ko. i'll worry about losing weight first, kesa getting married. dahil kapag pumayat ako, makakapag- tankini na ako(conservative kasi ako) next summer. kapag may asawa ba ko, maisusuot ko sya sa beach? hindi noh.

i'm still too weird to be thinking about getting involve. oh, recently, i met this cute guy, na kahawig daw ni superman, na may appeal ni clark kent. read: walang dating. sino ba ung bagong superman?yun. tangkad, 6"3', really cute. crush daw yun ng bayan. yun nga lang, di ko sya crush. sabi ko ksy tj, gusto ko ng ganun maging boyfriend, para di ako insecure kasi di ko sya crush pero malalahian ako ng matangkad at magandang genes.

imagine, ang gagandang bata na may tendency mabaliw, madepress, at ma-addict.

so kapag naging pathetic na ko at araw-araw ko na binoblog na sana makita ko na ang "the one", paki sapak ako kasi baka either nabaliw na ko, nadepress, o na-addict.

happy birthday.

happy birthday, raens!

love you, sis. may your days be bright as always and may your gadgets be a-plenty. more vodka and beer nights to come and may your goats multiply.

nothing beats lazy days with you. =)

and thank you to russelle and yoshi for the nice time kanina. i had fun especially dun sa part where we had pasta! see you guys again soon.

and as for the weather, thank you for the tiring traffic and the runny nose, at 12:19, i am ready to go to dreamland. too early. too lovely.

1 1/2 down, 25.5 to go!

got myself a gun tacker and a book today. konti na lang. hehe.

i have nothing to write about. what do i do? things to do...hmm...go to makati, go to mayon, go to cubao, pick up tita, drive home. paint at midnight. go to school with a headache. shoot some stuff. paint and submit plates. stretch canvasses at night. sometimes i think i've been a teacher for too long that my life is busy but stagnant. if i could shut down my senses voluntarily, i would've done so. i have tried so hard to be happy and sontent in my own little shell. but then i'd look like a teenage mutant ninja turtle.

my bestfriend is leaving for mindoro anytime soon and i'll be stuck with long days in UP for 3 weeks. i went to cubao today and it was lovely. it still has that cubao feel. i remember my cousin, jeannie. she lives in hawaii and a long time ago, when she was around 7, we went to cubao during christmas season. and she thought she was in vegas. funny.

funny how the guy who paints the house divided a pack of 3 in 1 coffee for 3 people. and funny how another guy thought that it would be cool to race cars in a golf driving range. the everyday people makes me laugh and go up and fall again into that feeling of apathy. and funny how i can feel myself falling. and why do i wonder, is the feeling of falling actually freeing? and it pulls my innards all down into the core of the earth and pop goes my bubble.

and i'm back on the ground.

why do we choose feelings that are so inconvenient for ourselves and why are we never content? but why am i content with being a spectator, a wallflower, a friend, a neighbor? why can't i be the star of my own show. maybe it got too old, and i got too old and my time just passed me by. if darkness falls, the twilight revs up, too.

why should i let this affect me? why should i let my emotions take the best of me? why can't i do the things i'm supposed to do and why can't a 27 year old kid can't have her cake and eat it , too. too much sweets, i guess. then let me stand in my corner and let me paint my dreams.

let me do this, let me take pleasure in my time. i never wanted anything, anyone, nothing, except you. and you. fuel me up and let me burn. i have so many things to say, but so much to lose.

i am so dependent on the familiar. maybe i want to, maybe i don't. maybe i have a wild bunch of hormones. maybe i just hate my hair. i wished someone a plenty supply of beauty , color, and music and a lot of bright days. and i take it back and now i wish them for myself. who do i love the most? my poor sorry self.

i wish for quiet. and for distance.
i love the feeling of being constricted.
but i choke fast.
i want smiles and touch, i want the pale hands, i want the warm security.
i want for tears to stop clinging to the edge of my eyes. and i want to hear you.
i sometimes convince myself that empty is all,
but the sight of the light changes my mind.
all i want is for me to bring back what i've lost. or probably, intoxicate myself and trick myself to feel that old feeling of you.

i have a busy life, but being a teacher for this long makes them all stagnant. and i feel so drawn to the good life but i only turn out worse than yesterday.

last year's birthday wish list. those in green came true. and i have comments din sa iba.

1. nike running shoes ( the one that looks funny and is so flexible; i saw them sa eastwood)
2. 3 new pairs of chucks--2 printed and 1 lavender
3. a digicam (we made an old one work.so ganun na din yun)
4. a new pc for me and me alone. well, it's actually a laptop.
5. money for car repairs
6. socks
7. zippo lighters
8. the complete sandman series (but i was able to get some books)
9. a drill and clamp
10. a new hairstyle
11. contact lenses (although early this year lang)
12. time to exercise everyday
13. a trip to cebu
14. a trip to sagada, then to vigan, then ukay-ukay in baguio
15. unusual knick-knacks and accesories
16. art materials
17. my own place
18. a garden
19. a puppy, an english bulldog (i got a labrador)
20. tequila
21.a bean bag
22. a new bed (but our room is getting a makeover)
23. a solo exhibit (i'll have a two-man show on december)
24. a tent
25. corndogs (i made waffledogs instead)
26. a massage

now, i have a new one na:

1. a compilation of pablo neruda poems.
2. more books.
3. a haircut ulet.
4. a debt-free september.
5. enough money to go grocery shopping for supplies that will last me till december.
6. enough money to allow me to spend without worries for the exhibit on december.
7. dvds ng movies and soaps ni kim rae won! aja!
8. an eternal xenadrin supply.
9. a good gun tacker.
10. new pillows.
11. 3 pairs of slippers that aren't slippery at all.
12. a new collar and leash for cyrus.
13. a sack of dogfood.
14. an external hard drive.
15. a canvas clamp
16. a personal fridge.
17. a new digicam.
18. clients.
19. more books.
20. make up.
21. derma treatments.
22. a surprise party haha! i want beef and shrimp kebabs, corn, olive and herb bruschettas, pasta, and red wine!
23. sloppy joes and chilidogs.
24. a folding bed or a firm mattress.
25. a suede mailman's bag.
26. a car and enough gas to go on a road trip.
27. a new tattoo.

i can't wait to be 27. i have predicted that this year would be better than the last. and i do guess, i'm right.