kitchen scenes. hamburger patties and eggs, sunny side up, at 3 am.


our room is a hell hole. the house repairs reached our room. the original door will be walled up and the door moved to another part of the room. we can't sleep in our beds because the debris is everywhere. it's not just dust but tiny pieces of concrete. the mason has gone through the wall already. it really is inconvenient. ho hum. i sleep on the couch now. will be staying in the studio next week. at least, i can get away from the mess.

today, i fried 75 burgers, toasted the same number of buns and cooked 4 kilos of jumbo hotdogs. my feet hurt so much from standing up for almost 3 hours in front of the stove. my baby nephew, beans, celebrated his 2nd birthday today. they hired two clowns. the bidang clown was also the antagonist. he kept teasing a neice, making fun of her because she's really heavy. ugh, tasteless. so in any case, people of antipolo, please do yourselves a favor, don't hire clowns from hulaballoons. nasty. i am taking this personally since he kept making fat jokes. well, genetics unfortunately gave us the biggest joke. still, that's not the way to treat clients. nakakainis, actually, he was really mean to other kids as well. not wholesome, his act.

oh well, some people just don't know how to act properly.

sabagay, salbahe naman talaga ang clowns. underneath the make-up, it is evilness incarnate.

don't we feel blue today?

my head is a mess. it hurts like hell. i hate walking in UP. for the love of God, i sweat too much! i just can't bare seeing myself walking the streets of UP at this age. hey, i'm old enough to be the professor. oh, let me whine! i just need to let go of all the frustrations.

i asked my bestfriend, who also happens to move in the circle, if she ever imagined herself living an artist's life ten years ago. haha. well, seems like being a doctor or getting a white-collared job was easier to imagine. but the calling of that road is stronger. life is so hard. and bittersweet. money's scarce and you're always stressed out but at the end of the day, you are happy. i wouldn't trade that for anything.

i am trying to write 2 articles to submit to the local newspaper. but my thoughts are just too scattered to write about a single objective topic.

i get too drained. my students are obviously quite pleased that i'm back in their lives. the university however, doesn't feel the same way, i guess. and after a long day, i go clean my baby dog's cage and feed him. after that, i throw off my shoes and watch captain barbell. how amusing pa kaya can life get? naiinis na nga ako kay jackie lou blanco. buti na lang, maganda sya sa master showman, kahit walang tulugan, fresh pa din sya. i think many teachers end up as old maids because they are too tired to have a real life. and see how teachers are treated here in the counry. low wages, terrible conditions. buti na lang, i get my own fan sa school. hehe.

seriously, inspite of the fulfillment i get from teaching, i can complain pa din. mahirap talaga! kaya treat me nicely ha.

i need a massage! well, i guess i'm just getting old na. oh well, my life is really okay. i'll write about the real cause of this craziness soon. my sister wants me out of the house na. goodbye!

blue.

lazy saturday afternoon

should've slept na lang but then we had to clean my new baby dog's cage. oh yeah, i got my lab na! we named him cyrus. after kim sam soon's boyfriend weheheheh! but he looked like a cyrus eh. we can't give him a name like saber because he looks too sleepy to be sabery. we can't call him tyrel because he's too blonde. and we can't name him silas because the movie just came out. and paul bettany was way too platinum blonde in the da vinci code. so i ended up playing with my sisters. that is after cleaning the cage, okay?


baby cyrus and mommy




dressing up


ali japan, japan!


the fast and the furious. ali won.


the beaded sandals my bestfriend's girlfriend gave me after i saved him when his tires went kaboom two sundays ago.


them on my fat feet and black toenails.

anyway, here's my new trippy sad song. camille made me hear it.

GOODBYE MY LOVER (James Blunt)

Video Code provided by VideoCodeZone.Com

yipeee!ruff!ruff!

my cousin andrew gave me a call earlier today. i'll be getting my yellow lab hopefully on saturday! can't wait! i have no ideas for names yet, but i'm sure, when i see him, i'll find the perfect one.

was able to see a few movies and read some books last week despite the fact that i've been so busy. drafted letters, wrote brochure material, and watched friends on dvd during long nights. ate cakes, kettle corn, drank coffee and hot chocolate, made maki, croquettes, bought bread, and swept the floor. threw unfinished corn in a garbage bag, and after two days, they smelled like whiskey. made my joints hurt and sweated, thanks to the nasty heat, painted a hundred of faces for the musikahan and pintahan sa reposo. saw cute kids, wiped off their sweat, met syve, the cute little dutch boy, and smelled street children crowding on me to have their faces painted, too. but i took time to wash my brushes. painted butterflies on sarita and rian's faces, both on saturday and sunday. they gave me earrings as a gift. heard thank yous, both fake and sincere. and of course, we didn't bring cameras. and of course we both felt stupid. had quiche and embotido, roast beef and those chicken whatevers. they were actually empanadas. played boxing on manoli's xbox and won a couple. slept at camille's and woke up late. had my cards read by reng and talked and cried a lot. rode an fx home. alone. cool.

been looking forward to post pictures of the things i see but whatthef***, i don't have a camera. well, what's a poor girl to do?

so reng gave me some questions to answer. she made me choose, go back to a relationship exactly the same as before's or become an old maid. i chose the latter. why are we insecure? because we try to do things thinking of pleasing others and not ourselves. why am i insecure of my works now? because i have something else in my mind. what are my priorities? duh. my cards said that i have to focus on what i'm doing and go up the stairs. it'll be all good if i do it myself. it seems that i will be able to reach the top of the stairs. let me look forward to that.

now, what do you do when your friends have a conflict? of course, i don't take sides, and stay friends with them. but what if one of them is really stupid and it suddenly gets too annoying? i say, off with her head! how do you inject sense inside someone else's head without hurting her too much after you've burst her bubble? well, let's look for a band-aid solution to something more complicated. but then again, why bother? sometimes, the answer to our questions is right in front of our face. what if we are two-faced? do we get two answers, too?


if we find purpose in our lives, does it mean that we all go get boring? after boring yourself to death, how can you then live your purpose?

marina greenhills, near club filipino, sells beer for P20 from 10-11pm, P15 from 11-12am, and P10 from 12am-1am. that goes on until june 15. they're open till 2am. the place isn't really astig but the food is good naman. and the toilets are clean.

belch!belch!

after a week away from my studio, i was pretty sure that it would be gross. well, i was right. i was prepared for it--the dusty floors, the cobwebs, and moisture. i insisted that my sister come along with me to spend the night there so that i'll have company while cleaning up.

too bad, the broom was nowhere to be found and i was too excited not to paint. so, i finished what i left and went to the bathroom to wash my brushes. as usual, i poured the used thinner in the sink, down the drain. i squeezed a generous amount of dishwashing soap onto my filthy brushes and started scrubbing. and then...

a teeny-weeny lizard came out from the drain. phew! major hair-raiser! its skin had turned into a transluscent pink, probably the reaction of the fluids i sent down the drain. it tried climbing up the sink, but it had a hard time doing so. it bought me a little time to grab my other stufff out of the way. oh, i could have died! i'm sure if it was bembol who saw it, he'd fall down and break his neck right there.

i really hate small critters and would probably hate bigger ones more.

eewwww.

-------------------------------------------

made california maki and croquettes last night. i can make really good onion rings, too.

sleepless

been so for days now. oh i hate mornings when i need to wake up already. oh,i need to wake up already but i haven't slept yet! bummer!

i keep on thinking about this person who happens to be not too exciting. i hate wasting time thinking about people who are supposed to be irrelevant. i have better things to do. sad thing about it, everytime he crosses my mind, i get gas pain. my pet butterflies go on a strike.

okay. i'm going to sleep. goodnight.

well,well,well, look do we have here!

butterflies.

ho humm. i just can't seem to let go of this unbelievably uncomfortable separate universe inside my guts. i am giving up. i have a truckload of manic butterflies fluttering inside my stomach, that sometimes i begin to wonder, maybe this is the reason why i got i big tummy. oh, to be totally sober and to have a cottony mouth on a bright thursday afternoon! the weather has gone from totally wet to ugly humid. i hate the fact that my daydreams are a bunch of episodes taken from the past. i hate the weather, i detest the memories!

my mom and my baby sister are sick. the house is too dusty and the dog has an eye problem. i cannot be comfortable in our room and there is no cold water in the fridge. thus, i spent my daily series of whining in the studio and stick to the fact that the silence i create is for the best. i drink beer like soda and hard liquor has suddenly become a hobby. uh oh.

i groaned and moaned and went crazy over thinking about spanish 11 classes i have to take this coming semester. how i hate languages! i thought of going to a shrink and see if i can ask for a special note that i can give to the spanish teacher, stating that i'll go looney if they try to make me speak spanish in class. imagine me, in a foreign language class. if you can't respect me, try thinking of my age. i am gonna die.

-----------------------

after 2 years of being single, i admit i miss being in a relationship. question is, now, do i miss the boyfriend or the circumstance? i miss the arguements and the making up. i miss the wasting of time making goo-goo eyes and i miss the stupidity of hugging while sweating excessively. i miss watching movies with the guarantee of having someone to drag along and the certainty of someone there to tell you that there's something on your face or that you smell really gross already.

but what the heck, i feel that it is gonna be weird to have a boyfriend again.

lord, i don't really care about myself, but can you just give my parents a cute son-in-law?

in the meantime, i still wanna be free, and i still want to enjoy a pathetic old maid's life. and i can't really cease from being a pathetic old maid, because i don't have much of a choice. i still enjoy jack and coke with raens and evenings spent with the girls. i very much enjoy all my friends' company. i want to do the things i couldn't have done if i've gotten married last year. i want to sleep more, read more, and smoke more. and study. and succeed. and be understood.

but if ever my virtual boyfriend sends me money, i'll accept. madali naman ako kausap ehehe.

--------------------------------------

blythee gave birth to a baby girl last may 12. tamika lee.

and i forgot to greet yoshee. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, YOSHEEE! may 14. sorry, bad memory.

--------------------------------------

i need to lose weight, for crying out loud!

and i need a massage.

and a haircut.

i'll be in the musikahan and pintahan sa reposo on the 27th and the 28th, painting faces. enrollment is on june 6 and 7 for graduating students. classes start that week, too, and i m the advisor for grade 3 and 4 students. 3 subjects to wrestle with. gonna be though. god, i need to take vitamins.

going back home to watch friends.

boring me.

stormy weather, big winds, cloudy skies. falling leaves, wet slippers,muddy streets.

back home in antipolo. back to painting. and i've found inspiration from our walls. literally.

when i got back from bicol, i found our ceiling lowered and it got me choking. got a little claustrophobic. and our wallpaper were stripped off. so ali, my baby sister, and i started working! doodle galore! it's a temporary freedom wall, as dada announced last night. well, the images are definitely going to find their way in my paintings. thanks, aliboo!

still haven't received my pictures and i'm starting to doubt that they'll reach me. tsk tsk.

the weather's somehow changed and it's doing me good. been watching nice movies and taking my time relaxing. you see, the coming schoolyear will find me both teaching and studying. have decided to finish my bachelor's degree. and definitely, after that, will study to be a SPED teacher. i have thought about it a million times. i guess i really love to teach and will be doing it for a long time. this thing, i'm really sure of.

--------------------------------------------------------

conversations lately are held with chrissele, lets, and joanna. they range from love, to ex-boyfriends, to future plans, well, anything, everything. the questions raised are really stupid, shallow and sometimes pathetically idiotic. what are the top ten things you want to do before you die? if you were given 3 months to live, what are the five things you really want to do? if given 50 thousand bucks to spend in a day, what would you buy? bleeeech. but it entertains us and ends the boredom.

we've been thinking of reasons why i get easily depressed. the winner might be the fact that i have so much free time that i have all the time to analyze stuff and think on sorry information about me. didn't feel this back when i was too busy with work and tormenting myself. another one came from tj and me. it could be like this because once long ago, i've carefully planned the future with someone and when everything came crashing down, i came crashing down with it; it's hard to start again at this age, probably. blah blah.

------------------------------------------------------------

prayed earnestly for everyone to get all the chance to be happy. and that good things come your way. perhaps i pray this because i have accepted the fact that i will never be happy, nor content. whatever comes my way, i will never be complete. if i do not get the chance to help you, in any which way, may the glorious and wonderful elements visit you and help you instead.

may i complete me. somehow. in any which way.
-------------------------------------------------------------

hay. i need to cut down on tomatoes, eggplants, and those leafy greens that are high on uric acid. i've been making really yummy iced coffee almost everyday. i hate summer days. especially those spent someplace else instead of the beach. i hate my feet, they look disgusting. harhar.

given 5 days to live, what is the last thing you want to do? me, climb upstairs and lie down beside a so familiar body.

to die successful,one must stick her head in the oven.

layo!

left a little after 6 am for bicol sunday morning. after the radiator decided to get hotter than it's supposed to be, we opened the windows. drove from antipolo to quezon before dad decided to take over the wheel. had an amazing time just gazing outside the car. it was an unusual opportunity for me, just staring outside instead of driving. well, i really enjoyed the salty air blowing from the ocean, which was just beside the road. the scenery was an explosion of blues. the sea, the mountains in the horizon, and the afternoon sky. it was amazing. very blue. and it matched my emotions.

drove a little more after dad felt sleepy. spent a little more quiet time with myself. i just wasn't really excited about the trip. well, i can't do anything about it so i decided to just enjoy myself.

dad and i switched places again as soon as it got a little dark. we stopped at a gasoline station to get something to eat before dinner time. and i found myself a box of lotte chocopie. it's the same brand of pie kim sam soon had with cyrus sa bundok sa island.hehe.

the sun set a little after 6pm. the drive was long but the scenery was worth the effort. reached legaspi a little before 8pm. found myself really tired and had dinner in silence. after eating, i discovered queer and interesting old books and knickknacks. unfortunately, i left my camera home. aaargh! i also discovered a really toxic pain in my lower back. and the joints in my hands and feet. i feel so old ha!

papa joffre's house was built in the 1950's. there are a gazillion of vintage stuff. the china inside the glass case looks really fragile with age. just today, kuya raleigh, my priest cousin, opened the door to the stockroom and showed me figurines and they made my jaw drop. i wanna take them home with me! kuya raleigh let me use his camera phone to take some pistures. i will post them here as soon as he emails them to me. will ask someone to lend me a digicam.

i saw this ugly dusty ragdoll. i'm taking it home with me. it must be 50 years old.

hmmm...will write some more in a few days. i'm in the aquinas university. dada's alma mater. cool.

my mood has changed a bit. i have no choice eh. i have to shrug the feelings off, kasi if i don't i'll go crazy,really.

well, i'm not yet a manic depressive. i still haven't experienced the extreme mood swings. i haven't suffered from mania. i am no way or have been euphoric nor energetic and i can sleep. i don't talk fast at all. if i get aggitated and hyperactive and start to talk fast, will somebody slap me?

i'm slightly fine since i got phone calls from some people that i really missed a lot.

oh, funny thing, i remember writing about my premonition. just 2 days ago, i saw an old classmate from middle school. hehehehehe.

leaving for legaspi on sunday dawn for my granduncle's wake. a 14- hour drive. good luck to me. oh, i don't have problems driving that long, it's the waking up on sunday that's gonna get me.

it's too hot to be depressed.

i shouldn't watch too many movies. i have this tendency to relate myself with the characters. and i have this tendency to create a box around me. i reflect on them too much. and sometimes, i go live in a make-beleive world. i sometimes think i do have psychosis. i guess some people are born like this. some people are born sad. must be lacking a chemical in my brain. or i overexcrete something.

it's not funny. i don't have the slightest idea why i get depressed easily. it's not too bad, yet, i mean, i don't go bursting into tears every second yet. maybe it comes with age,too. but then i have a lot of friends who keep telling me to snap out of it. i try hard, but the feeling keeps coming back. it's disgusting.

i have this perfect idea of the world and if it doesn't happen, this will forever haunt me.

maybe if i could start rewriting my destiny, i will find redemption. but i am too preoccuppied with my imaginary fears and i am despairing too many. maybe it's the weather. maybe it's not.

i am so afraid of uncertainty. no, not uncertainty...i have everything planned and i am sure things will happen. maybe i am afraid of myself and my incapabilities. maybe i am afraid of losing. wilting. drying up with nothing.

maybe i have locked myself up. i wonder why i enjoy locking myself up in the studio with the lights off, doing nothing, talking to no one. i wonder what it means to be totally happy. i wonder why things don't go my way. even with the effort i exert, it never becomes complete.

i wish it would rain.

funny everytime i go to an internet cafe, i wear the exact same outfit. a white shirt with "iloilo" printed in front, my ultra baggy hip-hop hehe shorts, and white flip-flops. i just noticed this today.

anyway, life has been slow and so far, i'm still enjoying it. inspite of having no money at all to spend (surprisingly though, i can still buy art materials), i get by without any complications. i'm still enjoying teaching, good thing we have summer classes and i can hang out with the kids. i'm overjoyed because i found out how i can help out a student of mine with ADHD. and i've spoken with some of the parents and they're really happy about how the kids are doing.

it's a plus that the kids talk about me with their parents. well, i can't help being the favorite teacher. so next school year, i'll be doing full time (well, almost. i need to finish fine arts) teaching and modelling. hehe. after i graduate, i might even study SPED. oh yeah? sa sipag at tiyaga ko, malamang drawing yan. but i just might. i've even accepted the fact that i'll be single forever because that's what most teachers do, right, remain single?

being single is not too bad at all. at least i can fool around guiltless and i can go out whenever i want. and i can write my erotic novel without criticism from a boyfriend, plus i can get inspiration from others. if you know what i mean. haha!

my friends usually hang out in the studio with me at night. and we started reading cards again. we figured out that predictions can be avoided by totally changing the obvious. like there's this time when we read that chrissele would get knocked up in three years. well, this is the third year and she's far from pregnant because she's not in a relationship right now. well, we've read my cards and they kept suggesting that i forget about the guy i'm totally in love with now. said that he cherishes our friendship too much to. and he still might be clueless. and it also suggested that i'd end up with geoff. good thing i have the option to stay single forever. haha!

i discovered something last night. i will be unable to paint if my sleep becomes normal again. i was able to sleep at night for two days and last night when i tried to, i suddenly lost it. uh oh.

ah, finally, i got to see raena last night. i was sure i'd die if i didn't see her sooner.

creepy thought: i've been joking around that i'm having some sort of premonition. this month alone, i saw my college friends, my ex-officemates, my bestfriend who i haven't seen in a long time visited me last thursday, and when we went grocery shopping,i saw a friend who i haven't seen in years. hala! i just hope i don't bump into ren. OA na yun!

and come to think of it, i'm the only person i know who effortlessly keeps in touch with old friends.

going out tonight. will have dinner at shangri-la. sosyal na mahirap.

hot sweaty summer days are here again!

i still haven't corrected my sleeping habits and of course, i am widely awake late nights. and very much asleep during the day.

right now, aside from sweating, i have finished (well, almost) three paintings, 5 books in three days, and endlessly watched the koreanovelas.

bembol also had his first one-man show opening last tuesday. we had one hell of a reunion. too bad raena wasn't there. had a blast with the guys. tinay said that it was her first time again in long time to almost break into tears laughing. well, with mikko around, what can you expect?

congratulations, bembol!

well, funny thing. i want to write my very first erotic novel. haha. funny. but, yup, i do want to write.

it is so dang hot.

inggitera

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bum land =)

finally, it's over and done with. i am officially jobless. sorry i had to make a scene in the office. it just happened and it convinced the bosses that i am indeed sick and tired of the job.

everybody who saw me this week said i look happy and pretty. para kasi akong nabunutan ng tinik sa dibdib. na kasing laki ng poste ng meralco.

well, it's gonna be a life which i predict would be hard so i say goodbye to starbucks and max brenner breakfasts. i've downgraded to a nokia 1100 and felt sentimental saying goodbye to my 7610 which i loved very much. i'm also saying goodbye to a stable income that made me feel really secure(yeah,right) for the past two years. no more splurges on books and dates with my pamangkins.

but it feels good to be home at night, in bed, listening to soft music. it is a dream come true because i can watch my telenovelas on primetime tv. nice to catch up with my cousins and nice to see the stars in antipolo again. and it feels really good when i brew my own coffee. i have more time to cook, more time to read, and of course, more time to paint.

that's about it. i gave up a good-paying job mainly because i am unhappy. when my immediate supervisor asked me why i'm choosing a career that won't pay as good as cvg, all i said is that it's a very spiritual thing. but of course, he couldn't understand it.

right now, i'm in the process of adjusting with my new sched. i sleep early now and wake up early too.i'm still unorganized and my room's still cluttered. but i'm happy.

i'm working on getting a laptop and it's looking bright. i'm also being pressured by a good friend(which i find really nice ha) into painting so we can get a show organized in three months. i have 2 weeks to prepare for our graduation show. i have a month to think about going back to school. i have contact lenses and my hair looks nicer now.

i still have my dilemmas and i'm still feeling some stress. but right now, i am happy.

whoa dream!

i had this really kwela dream 2 days ago.

i dreamt that i was hanging out with raena and pow in their house. we were with a girl i donn't really like and my ultimate mahal of all time. it was late afternoon and i just don't know what i had. i was drunk and really stoned out in my dream. you see, i'm usually quiet when i'm wasted. but in my dream i was so happy and perky. i was chatting with the group, talking nonsense. when raena went inside, i went near my mahal and started rubbing his leg. when raena came out, i was tellin her that whatever i had, whoa, it was amazing! i was telling her that it feels like i'm in a dream and everything is light. then i started hallucinating in the dream! i saw unicorns and carnival elephants in the sky. cherubims started coming out of raena's roof and they were all white. like small marble angels. it was so whoa talaga. i was so magulo and pow was laughing about something. it was so real!

then i went to my mahal. he was holding an empty glass and we kissed. it was so funny...i was thinking that, if this was a dream, it would be so nice to have the glass in my hand when i wake up para di ba, kunyari totoo the dream.

then i woke up. with the cold glass in my hand. oh my god, it was true!

then i woke up again.

wahahahhahaha!

dreaming of being stoned out and hallucinating in a dream and waking up with kilig and a cold glass in my hand, then waking up again.

i know you can hallucinate if you're awake. but hallucinating while dreaming? weirdo!

hay...

it's funny how emotions shift from one thing to another in a wink. i feel kinda ok now. i still can't sleep nights but that's okay since i'll be going back to work tomorrow. i also finally figured out what to do with my students and their projects. beatles it is. that's decided on and won't change. i hope. they've been showing(and bragging about it) me their finished projects. and even though it gets annoying when pre-teens begin to have word wars, at least i'm all done with the biggest problem of all--thinking.

one thing less on my mind is a gift. the only thing that i'm worried about the school project is the deadline. but i'm quite sure they'll be enjoying this a lot.

mejo nabad trip lang ako, kanina when my neice said that another tita daw said that lucy in lucy in the sky with diamonds is lucifer. astig sa concept ah. no wonder mejo backward ang life ng some people, kasi their thoughts are pretty much backward din. i can live with me, na twisted ang utak ,but, backward, no way. fuck. ika nga ni raena, boring sila.

i just browsed through my friendsters' blogs. you know what. somebody copied the "about me" part from my profile,edited it a little and posted it in her blog. kinda flattering and nakakainis as well. well...but it doesn't matter. kinda makes me feel unspecial at all. and unoriginal. and friendster doesn't show my "about me" part today. how bothering.

i don't know why i get so annoyed easily lately. i just feel that it's so unfair, that if everything happens for a reason, maybe the reason is just to piss me off. tough luck.

good thing, i've been seeing more of my friends lately din. kasi if not, i'm sure i'll turn into mr. hyde.just a few days ago, we had a cook out and the only time i feel good all the way to the heart is if someone complements my cooking. i got a lot of that. sarap.

i'm going to work tomorrow and i'm really scared. i am totally clueless of all the updates and the script and the new people. and it's scary driving to makati with only 45 bucks in your wallet.

sleepy day. i've been dreaming a lot about slicing flesh again. i just don't know whose.

my friendster profile still don't seem to work good.

so, i'm not okay. i am indeed in a 3-week long vacation. with no pay, no nothing. all that i'm supposed to get--sl conversions, the appraisal--nada. they're on hold. i am still unable to sleep at night and my dad keeps yelling at me. good for nthing daw ako. asteeeeg. i haven't had a good night's sleep in two weeks. my cousin said i should see a shrink. which would cost me 3k an hour. hey diazepam is cheaper, and i can get dormicum for free. haha, i just don't want to be too dependent on those pretty blue pills. i try hard to sleep, though, but instead i end up watching dvds all night. just last night, i saw episodes of 'lost'. in one sitting. god. it's tough.

i'm wearing contact lenses now and i can tie my hair in pigtails na. yup, i look like a girl!

i'm very much confused. i still don't knw what to do. at this age, i'm still clueless. i just thought everything would be okay, but as it turned out, i'm still quite miserable and penniless at that. now what?

i'm getting a laptop. looks like i have to sacrifice something and stay on being employed. well. crazy people don't know they're crazy; they think they're getting sane, right?

i can't do this anymore. i mean, live like this. 30 months, that's all i'm giving myself.

i can't wake up early to go see my students. i can't think of what they're supposed to do and i can't bear watching them anymore. i can't stand being around the children anymore.

probaby, this is one major burn out. it's the thing that you experience after painting for weeks without stopping, after crying endless for days, when you're in a frustrating relationship where all you do is fight, when you get old. this is the feeling that starts as a hole in your chest and everything else begins to cave in but you're just one solid chunk but it's painful enough that you actually think you are bits and pieces of one fucking human being with nothing to look forward to, having nothing to live for.

fuck the management that has it too easy and fuck the really good agents who are actually the reason why expectations are continuously beng raised. fuck the chicken that came out alive from the leyte landside. fuck the bad writers of the antipolo post. fuck those people who insist that i talk with a filipino accent because the children can't understand. fuck them for teaching these children who'll grow up and turn into fucking losers. fuck the shrinks that charge too much, from profiting from the insanity of the weak ones.

fuck the coffeeshops that lure those of the white collars to spend too much on coffee. and fuck those of the blue collars who were born dumb but are actually smart enough to get things done and have time to drink their lungs dry with bad gin. fuck the people who complicate life. fuck the economy, it will never turn out for the better. fuck the marines. fuck me for getting tattoes. fuck my neighbrs.

fuck my hang ups.

i am one angry person today. i am so pissed.