Wednesday, April 20, 2005

why go there?

i'm going back to that special place where no one can see me.
i once told geof that i was so tired of relationships. not only the romantic kind. friendships and family included. he never gave me a reasonable arguement about that. he just asked if i was okay. he thought the idea was stupid. he never understood, i guess.
yeah, i know it's a stupid idea. we can't live inside a shell, right?
a hobo, a hermit, a tramp, a nomad, a gypsy. i wish to go about everywhere, minding my own business, keeping to myself, in my own world.
like the guy who draws on the concrete in the afternoon, under the heat of the sun and amidst the engine fumes.
i want to be alone, to daydream, to be a storyteller, a great dancer, an eagle, a shaman, the beach, a desert, the rain. all but to myself. i want to be alone above all. to bend the rules when there are no rules at all. to be bad or good when there is no bad and good. i want to be free from attachments, from being kept down by the unnecessary weight.
i want to go back when i was living unaffected by the passing of time, by the noise, by the opinions, by you, by everything that exists under the sun. concrete or abstract. it was really easy before. i want it that way again.
on the contrary, what keeps me here are the people who i love or hate. and love and hate at the same time. and those i love to hate. the complexity, bitterness and the sweetness of life. the pain i feel. the familiar scent of the men i have loved. the late nights and early mornings with friends. the sleep-overs. the petty arguements. the noise my mom makes in the mornings. the noise my dad makes when i get home in the wee hours. the struggle with having no money at all and the feeling of being the one-day millonare i always tend to be. the drunkeness i get from alcohol, from converstion with my friends. the high i get from long mornings, from inhaling, from dropping.
i was thinking of ways to die earlier today, on the way home. it would be easy. but life itself stops me from doing so. i complicate me. i contradict myself that i drive myself nuts.
maybe it's because i keep on loving the wrong people. maybe when i start thinking that i've met my soulmate, reality just crashes in front of me. no matter what i do, people disappoint me. i dissapoint me. i invest a lot on people who demand a lot but never can live up to my expectations. i fall in love with people who like me seem tough on the outside but breaks easily under every sign of pressure. that is you.
i have this need to be accepted. i longed for appreciation but i guess it takes a lot to appreciate me. all because i am one hell of a complicated foul-mouthed bitch. i sought for acceptance and for appreciation from the people i hold dear. but then i get clueless. i might have felt it but ignored it. so i just will stop.
maybe i should just stop looking for someone who would meet me in the middle. maybe there is none that exists.
we stopped short of getting there, sweetie. so why go there at all?
maybe i have met that someone, but we're both oblivious of that. but then we ride the trip and that is as good as it'll ever get.
i should stick with everyday morning friends and sunday night wine-drinking buddies.
then maybe i can stay.
snap or die?

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