Sunday, March 13, 2005

too old for this

i finally gave in and cried a little today. just a wee bit, i swear.

there are only 3 guys i sincerely "liked" all my ex-boyfriend and two guys from school; well, geof's happily committed now, samio's hitched( no secret to,di ba?), and you- know- who is just so out there.

you see,i loved geof genuinely, but i liked samio a lot and everyone knew that. he was single anyway and i wasn't his type, but it felt really good to be just there for him. i didn't care if he'd have girlfriends or even boyfriends for that matter.happy lang.but that's not the point and all's good and i'm eisyss' godmother so we better not talk about it,because i don't want trouble and since it's no secret,let's just leave it that way.

now,you see,you- know- who had had he's off limits,but honestly, i liked him since 1998. i just didn't do anything about it. but there were instances that i did stuff to show him i like him.but heck,he's barkada, so sweetness is easily ignored. and after years of not seeing each other,god,something bizarre happened.i don't know if i was just imagining things. but then again, i'm not that stupid,so my gut instinct did confirm that i was not seeing things. but that's history. the good thing lasted for a month. it felt really good all the way to the heart.

but when reality sneaks back at you, when you finally see the bigger picture, you only get pain so massive, you split in two.very very ouch. you try to be a reasonable person but the other half of you goes looney. i tried so hard to be sensible about this, looking at it from all points of view. i'm sure i succeeded. i saw the good and the bad of it. i was able to swallow everything. i was able to live after all my pride has gone. i can even function quite well.

i just cried today. well,all things work together for good. i just might drop dead at the age of 40 due to breast cancer (prediction ko yan) and leave him shattered and hurting and all alone. at least, he won't have to invest emotions now.

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